Collaborate without boundaries

There is another option!

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DH came over for about two hours this evening. We had some meaningful conversation. Not a lot, but enough I think.  We talked a lot about our jobs and how work was going.   Then, I told him that I knew that he had told me over the phone two days ago, but I asked if he would mind explaining to me again why he postponed the divorce so that I could make sure that I understood. He told me that he guessed he was giving himself another chance. He is always giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them another chance. For example, if someone doesn't call when they're supposed to or show up when they're supposed to, he gives them another chance.  He said that he guessed he was giving himself another chance. A chance to make sure that he is doing the right thing. He told me that he is torn between guilt and being unhappy.  He said it's like being in a no-win situation. He either has to choose being unhappy in marriage, or forever feeling guilty about the divorce.  I asked him if he asks himself if he could be happy going back to the way things were. I asked him if he was asking himself a question similar to that. He told me yes, he guessed he was. I told him that I feel that if he asked himself that question a million times, the answer would always be no. He seemed surprised by my response.  I told him that I felt the answer would be "no" a million times because you can't look backward with hope, you can only look forward with hope.  I told him that I didn't think that I could go back to the way things were and be happy either, because I would know that he wasn't happy, and I wouldn't like that.  I told him that for me, a good question would be actually a question in three parts. First, what needs or expectations do I have that have not been met in the marriage. Second, do I feel safe sharing those needs with DH. And third, do I believe that DH would be willing to help me satisfy those needs.  I told him that perhaps those might be good questions for him too.  He nodded his head, thought about it, and asked me what expectations or needs he had failed to meet. I told him that I did not think he had failed.  I told him that I felt like we had both failed at communicating our needs with each other.  He asked what one of my needs was, and I told him that sometimes I felt like a guest in our home (because he still thought of our home as his house).  I asked him what need he felt had gone unmet. He told me that he did not want to hurt my feelings, but that I was really bossy. I told him that I felt like that might be his need for respect. He said that I had never been disrespectful. I told him that I felt like my bossiness had been a form of disrespect, and I apologized to him.  I told him that I didn't know why either one of us had such a hard time sharing our needs with each other, because anything that I had ever actually asked him for, he had given me. He said that I had done the same for him.  Not much else was said.  He wasn't feeling well, and didn't stay very long tonight. He has had stomach issues all day. I think the stress is really getting to him, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  As he left, he turned to hug and kiss me, and said "Bye, Baby".  I told him bye, and he walked out the door. Oh my, how long it has been since he called me baby. A year, maybe longer.

I know that the guilt he is struggling with is conviction from the Holy Spirit.  I am wondering if the time is drawing near for me to explain that to him. I wish that there was someone else who could do that.  When I told my sister what DH said about choosing between unhappiness and guilt, my sister blurted out that she would never take him back based on that. She said that she wouldn't want someone coming back to her because of guilt, she would want it because he loved her. I told my sister that his response was an answer to prayer. I have been praying for the Holy Spirit to convict him. Sometimes I get upset with my sister, but I know she means well.   I think that right now, DH only sees two options. A lifetime of unhappiness with me, or a lifetime of guilt without me. I am praying that God will open DH's eyes to a third and more hopeful option. There is another option! I think that there has been movement back towards the relationship for the last four times that I have seen DH. The movement is ever so slight, but I really think I see it. I hope it is not just wishful thinking.  As much as I would love to pick up the phone tomorrow evening when DH gets home from work, and chitchat with him, I believe that God is calling me to once again be still and know that he is God. I know that God is working in the silence, on both of us.  Praise God for protecting my marriage for another day.
  • Love seeing this. Gives us all hope.

  • Love seeing this. Gives us all hope.

  • If he doesn't align his will up with God's will, he will feel sick with the stress.  God's conviction is truly working.  

    Maybe, if you think it is right, if you have another conversation with him, what he thinks is the difference of being happy and being in joy.  And which one really matters.

    To me, happiness in the world is so short term.  I am happy because someone smiled at me, I am happy because my wife made a meal, I am happy because I rewarded myself with icecream.  All these things are fleeting.  where joy in Christ surpasses all of these things.  And is not fleeting, unless we choose to let go of it.

    He doesn't realize it, but he's searching and longing for all Christ offers and His joy.

  • I am crying and I stopped to pray.  It's the weirdest feeling as I realize I want your reconciliation with your husband even more than my own with my husband.  I am praying for God to reveal to your husband there is always another option when He is leading.   Thank you so much for continuing to share.  I love seeing God move in this for you!!

  • "He either has to choose being unhappy in marriage, or forever feeling guilty about the divorce."

    CHOOSE is the key word here. You have to choose to be happy or sad. He can choose to be happy. Feeling guilty is conviction. We all know that. The Lord is working wonderfully in him.

    Your sister is wrong. The guilt is conviction and that's exactly what he needs. With the proper nurturing your marriage can turn into the best part of your lives. I read some studies about reconciled marriages five years after reconciliation and the results were extremely positive. Most people said their marriage at that point was the best it had ever been.

    Don't listen to the world. I'm typing this to remind myself also. The world is telling me that I would be crazy to take my wife back after what she has done to me but that's not the way a Christian does things. We are set apart. The world will always hate that.

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