Collaborate without boundaries

The hardest 24 hours

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The past 24 hours have been the hardest since my journey began on June 11. I have been holding out hope that DH would respond to the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and change his mind about the divorce. But receiving papers in the mail letting me know there is a hearing on March 19 to determine default and set a date for the divorce hearing was overwhelming yesterday.  When I let DH know that I had received the papers, he let me know that I had mail at his house.  I thought about it, and sent him a text back that simply stated that even though I would love to see him, I felt that it was best for him to leave the mail on the porch, and I can pick it up one afternoon this week while he's at work.I feel that's best for a couple of reasons. First, it helps me to guard my emotions. Whenever I see him, and he is kind to me, it makes me feel like things are better between us than they really are.  Interacting with him like that gives me a false sense of reality, which is painful.  Second, I feel like he really does need to experience what life without me is like. I feel like both of these reasons are loving, both loving to me and loving to him.

When DH received my text about picking up the mail on the porch, his first reply was that it would be great to see me but that he would do whatever I wanted. A minute or two later he responded that he would really love to see me. I didn't know how to reply. I thought about it for a very long time last night, and drafted a response. I prayed about it and slept on it. When I woke up this morning, I felt in my heart like the response was the correct one. So I sent it. I basically said that I would like to see him, just not under the current circumstances. I told him that last Sunday was wonderful, and a precious memory of time spent together as husband and wife, one flesh. Then I told him that reality is that I received papers in the mail yesterday pushing the divorce along. I told DH that I had heard him loud and clear.  He says that he doesn't want me as his wife anymore. He says that we have nothing in common and are not compatible. He says that he doesn't love me anymore. That he doesn't want to go anywhere with me or do anything with me. That he wants to live alone. And that he's filed for divorce. I told him that I accept the fact that he has filed and i'm not putting up a fight. I told him that he would always have my friendship and from what I understand, that's all he wants. So I ended by saying that as much as I would love to see him, under the current circumstances, I was just unclear as to why he would even want to see me or what purpose it would serve. He sent me a text back that he was sorry, and that I am wonderful. Then he asked me to call him. I called him when I left for church. We talked for about 20 minutes. He told me that he was sorry, that he didn't want to hurt me. He said that he didn't know why he said those things that I had outlined in my text, that it made him sound like a monster. He said that he was sorry, that he had some hangups, and that he was sorry that he had pulled me into his mess of a life. He told me that he wanted to see me because he missed me and because he cared about me. He talked about last Sunday, and said that it was "wow!".  He said that he couldn't get being intimate with me last Sunday out of his mind. I told him that neither could I, that it was wonderful, but that I wanted that from someone who loved me, not someone that just cared for me. I told him that I really couldn't understand why this was happening. He said that it was funny that I should say that, because he was sitting there wondering the same thing. He said that he thinks to himself things like "well, we weren't this or that and we didn't do this or that", but then he thinks to himself "but look what I had".  He told me that he comes home from work, takes a shower, makes his dinner, eats his dinner, cleans up the mess, and makes his lunch for the following day. He said that by the time he finishes all that it's 8 o'clock before he even sits down, and he thinks about what he had and what he's lost. And he asks himself "what have I done?".  He told me that he missed me and that he would like to see me anytime. I told him that I missed him too, but that at some point, things had to be over because that's what he asked for. At this point, I was already at church, and I told him that I had to get off the phone and get to my Sunday school class. He said that he needed to tell me something. He said that he was not saying it because he wanted to get me over to his house.  He said "I love you. I do love you. It may not be - well, I just want you to know that I love you."  I told him that I loved him too, and that I had to get off the phone, and I hung up.  The hardest thing that I've ever done is not skip church and rush over to his house.
  • That's great you didn't turn your husband into an idol and replace worshipping God at church with running over to him.

    but, he is still your husband, even by the courts rules.  consider seeing him still to pick up the mail or for whatever reason.  maybe God's timing is meant to happen in the days ahead before the d is finalized.  Maybe your husband is so close now to turning the corner and doing the right thing, that all it will take is you being kind and patient and letting him see it  first hand as he has been.

    If the worse happens and he doesn't end this, so what if you continued seeing him up until the end.

  • I understand wanting to guard yourself.  But is this the right time to do so?  Before a d happens?

    Jesus didn't guard Himself from being crucified.  And He doesn't guard Himself now when we sin. he lays Himself out for us to have, no matter our awful or good behavior.  He keeps Himself available all the time for us.  Should you do the same for him before the d happens?  

  • Maybe God will use a few more interactions in person with him as the final steps to get your husband to really see what he has done and what he has chosen.

    right now he has really began learning much of what you did for him that you are no longer doing.  And seeing you some more may be what gets him to realize more fully not only does he miss what you did for him, but also how he really misses you, the person you are.  

  • If this is the hardest 24 hours realize in pain is when your love can be most evident.

    If you let your guard down to continue to show kindness, God will protect what you need protected.

    Keep praying upon what you should or should not do.  

  • Tim, God really uses you to proclaim truth.  You are right.  Jesus did not protect himself from the insults of the crowd. He did not protect himself from betrayal. He did not protect himself from ridicule, mockery  or any other type of demeaning behavior. He freely gave of himself, and loved these people to the end.

  • It doesn't seem fair. You can't get your emotions under control when you are so confused. I emphasize. God has the answers. We don't. It wasn't fair for Jesus to be tortured and crucified.

    I know that you will come out of this stronger than ever. When? Who knows. Making it there is the tough part.  As long as you are doing right in God's eyes you will be okay though.

    I believe your husband is more confused than any of us. And that's pretty bad because I am confused about what you are saying and about my own wife. I'm completely lost. Keep doing what is right. Keep reading and studying your Bible. Keep praying.

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