Collaborate without boundaries


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I have really wrestled with my counseling appointment yesterday.  I am having a hard time seeing eye to eye with her.  She is a strong Christian, and has always given Godly, Word-based guidance.  But yesterday, I just don’t know.  I shared with her the details of my visit with DH this past Sunday.  I told her that I had such mixed signals from DH, and that it was very confusing.  I asked her what she thought if DH asks me again to be physically intimate.  She said, “Well, here’s where it gets really hard.  Let me ask you this.  When do you stop being husband and wife?”  I said, “That’s easy – when the divorce decree is final.”  She said that legally, that was correct, but that in reality, we really weren’t husband and wife anymore – that DH had already broken the bond.  I just don’t know that I agree with that.  Yes, DH told me that he wants a divorce.  Yes, DH filed for divorce.  And yes, I moved out of his house.  But there has been no more forward motion with the divorce.  Beginning February 26, his lawyer was free to file a motion for default judgement since I did not respond to DH’s petition for divorce.  I called the courthouse today, and nothing has been filed.  So right now, the divorce is in a holding pattern as far as I can tell.  According to my understanding, there are two things in scripture that legitimately breaks the bond of marriage – adultery and abandonment by a non-believer.  There has been no adultery and as far as I am concerned, I haven’t been abandoned yet.  Maybe I am looking at things through rose-colored glasses.  So, I am really struggling with what she said.


She suggested that if/when DH wants to be intimate again that I ask him if he wants to because he wants to fulfill a fleshly desire or if it is because he wants to celebrate the love between a husband and wife.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  On the one hand, I don’t even want to ask anything like that because I am afraid of the answer.  On the other hand, I know my counselor is concerned about my feelings.  I know that if DH asks again, I probably need to decline, but I think that I need to maybe just explain what sex means to me, and that without it meaning the same to him, I probably should decline.  I think it really puts him on the spot to ask him that question, and if he is even remotely considering reconciliation, he might not be at a point where he feels ready to say it.  Needless to say, this has consumed my thinking today. 


I have felt very convicted this week of the pride and selfishness that I carried into and exhibited in our marriage.  I am working through a study of the book of Romans, and chapter 12 says that we should not think of ourselves more highly than we should.  I am guilty of that.  I have already on several occasions confessed this to DH and asked for his forgiveness.  This sin really permeated my relationship with DH, and it resulted in a lot of really ugly behavior.  I don’t know if there is a need for me to bring it up again to DH or not – but I am so, so sorry for the way that I treated him without even realizing what I was doing.  Sometimes I feel like I am so far away from what God desires me to be – I guess that’s where grace and mercy come in. 


I miss DH everyday.  I have wanted to text him, but have somehow been able to control the urge so far this week, and it’s been hard.  My counselor suggested that if I wanted to text him, to send him a scripture that I was reading that was meaningful to me, or let him know that I am praying for him.  As hard as it is for me to refrain from contacting him, I feel strongly that he needs the time away from me to allow God access without me getting in the way, if that makes any sense.

  • You are married.  Even in the courts eyes you are married.  Even if a paper says you are no longer married, God I believe still sees you as married.

    So what if he wants sex only for physical reasons.  He is your husband. Yes, I know for a woman that doesn't sound like an enticing reason to  be physical with him.  but, you are his wife.  you are married.

    And when I guy even has sex for  the physical, he after begins to feel connected.  Where a woman it is the  reverse order. She wants to feel connected, then she can enjoy the physical.  So, be intimate if he wants, or you want.  You are married, and the intimacy will give you both what you both desire.  The physical aspect as well as the closeness aspect.  

  • to me, I would not bring up what you have already apologized to him for.  He knows you are sorry.  He knows you love him.  He knows he doesn't deserve you yet he sees you still show unconditional love through your  patience and kindness.

    To me, unless you sent scripture to him before the trial and he didn't mind, is not the way to communicate.  Right now sharing scripture with him is you just being kind and  patient and doing all things in God's love for him.  

  • When I read Matthew 5:31-32 I understand it as saying there are grounds for divorce and if those grounds are not met then any relationship after that would be considered adultery. Unless there is sexual immorality then God doesn't recognize divorce. I have never been able to figure out the part about the unbeliever leaving. I really consider my wife an unbeliever but even if she leaves I still feel like I'm committed to her by God and no matter what she thinks she is committed to me under God. We made a vow to each other in front of God. He intended marriage to be for life. 1 Corinthians 7: 10-11 says "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife."  Paul, being divinely inspired by God, says there must be reconciliation.

    Just don't use sex as a tool. There's nothing wrong with having sex with your spouse.

    Pride is the absolute worst. I am guilty. We all are. It's hard to fight but once you realize that, as you have, you can fight it. Jesus came to serve and so should we.

    I miss my wife too. Even though the world says I should hate her for what she is doing to me I can't do that. I want to talk to her but I just can't in my situation because she is so angry. Back when I could I did send her texts of scripture every now and then, It did absolutely no good and only made her more angry at me. I wouldn't suggest doing that at all. DH knows for a fact what he is doing is wrong. Sending him scripture or letting him know you are praying for him is only going to look like you are pointing out his wrong doing- which he is completely aware of.

    I am right with you on that last sentence. He needs time away from you. I couldn't accept that and it got me on the other end of a restraining order. God will certainly work on DH in this time away. God's time is not the same as our time though. Don't forget that.

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