Collaborate without boundaries

A state of confusion

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DH sent me a text this morning before church. Same as last Sunday.  It simply said "you have mail".  I sent him a text back and asked when it would be convenient for me to pick it up. He replied in a text to give him a call. So I called. I told him that I would not be available after church, that I was going out to lunch with a group of ladies and then to a play, and I would not be available until around 4:30 this afternoon. He said to give him a call when the play was over.  Strangest thing. At the end of our phone call, he asked if I was OK. I paused, not knowing exactly how to answer him. I then just said yes.  Fast forward several hours.  I called when the play was over, and asked if he was home. He was, so I told him I would see him in a few minutes to pick up my mail. When I got there, he was grilling chicken, just like we've always done on Sunday afternoons.  We set down while he was waiting for the chicken to finish cooking. I told him that I wasn't completely honest with him on the phone this morning. When he asked if I was OK, I told him that I was OK, but that I am also very not OK. I'm not OK with how things are, and I will never be OK with things. Time and distance will not make things OK, because time and distance can't make a wrong become right. He nodded his head. He then told me that his brother called him earlier in the week, and that he told his brother what was going on.  He said that his brother was shocked and talked to him for a few minutes about the Christian viewpoint. He told his brother that it just boiled down to selfishness on his part.  He said that his brother made a comment about how he could look back and see that the issues he had in his first marriage were the same issues that he had in his second and that they were the same issues that he has in his current marriage. DH said that his brother then said something like you can change the people but you can't change your brain. DH told me that he couldn't get that comment out of his mind. I'm not sure that DH understood his brother correctly. His brother is a believer, and it would make more sense for a believer to say that unless you change your mind and what's going on in your brain, changing people and circumstances won't make a difference. But I think that DH took it to mean that people can't change and that he is justified in his decision because he'll always be selfish.  I wanted to respond with something about how Jesus and his power can transform any life, but I wasn't sure of my words, so I didn't say anything.  By then, the chicken was finished cooking. He pulled it off the grill, and insisted on sending me home with some, and even cut up a little bit to send home for the dog. He also sent me home with a bag of oranges, a cucumber, tomato, and a box of raisinets.  He used to do that when we were dating. I would go over to his house for dinner, and he would send me home with all kinds of leftovers and stuff.   But it's probably not unique to me, he is a very giving person.  I took the bag of stuff that he had packed for me, and picked up my mail. He followed me outside. I turned to give him a hug, and we had a very long hug. As I pulled away, I looked up into his face, and we exchanged a quick kiss on the lips. He told me that I could call him anytime, and I told him the same. It's all very, very confusing.  Next time, do I just tell him to leave the mail on the porch or something?  Is me going over there doing either one of us any good?  Maybe it's just time that I throw in the towel. How does one know when it's time to walk away and give up on reconciliation?   Today marked 30 days since I was served with papers. My lack of response means that his attorney can now go straight to the judge and ask for a default judgment to grant the divorce. 

I decided to call his brother this evening. Now that he knows, I wanted the opportunity to say goodbye. To tell him how much I appreciated him and his wife welcoming me into the family three years ago, and that I love them. His brother told me that he was in absolute shock, and that he was sorry to hear it. I told him that I didn't want him to share anything that was said in their conversation, but that I'd like to know with a yes or no if he could, if there was anything about the conversation that led him to believe there was still hope for our relationship. He told me that to be quite honest, he just didn't know how to answer that question. But he did tell me that DH seemed pretty adamant. That's a good word to describe DH.  He has been adamant since June.  I told his brother that I was praying for God to raise up someone to speak truth into DH's life.  His brother told me that he could not do that, because he felt like it would deteriorate the relationship that he has with his brother. That he had to be careful because DH would take it as being talked down to.  I told him that I understood, and that I have an army of prayer warriors lifting us up in prayer. His brother said that he and his wife would join that army. He told me that I was welcome at their house anytime, and that they would treat me with the same kindness and fairness as they would treat DH.  I thanked him, and told him goodbye. I'm grateful that I had an opportunity to say goodbye.  When I hugged them goodbye on Christmas Eve, I knew it was probably the last time I would see them. And I didn't feel like I had closure. I feel better about that now.  
  • How sad his brother put his relationship with DH above the relationships of DH and Christ and also the marital relationship.

    DH knows he is selfish and really looks at ways to justify it, thinking that he can't change.  That's a selfish and lazy way out.  But, it will keep  Christ's conviction upon him, a good thing.

    Because a court will say a marriage is over, does that mean God says it is over?  Depending upon what you believe is dependent upon if you still stand for the marriage.  But certainly God is above our courts.

    Enjoy your life in Christ, be at peace, trust in HIs divine providence, and let God dictate what happens between you and  DH.

  • His brother was spot on. Selfishness. Which is fueled by pride. Until a person learns this themselves they are doomed. His brother, however, should have insisted on God's way to DH. That's how I feel about it. The same thing is happening in my life. I feel like people should be standing up to my wife instead of supporting or ignoring her behavior. Even our preacher said he had to remain neutral and I just don't think he does. It is crystal clear that my wife (and anyone insisting on divorce without biblical grounds) is going against God and the church. How can one just sit back and ignore that?

    I am certain from your journaling that DH KNOWS he is wrong. His pride is overwhelming him though. The same is true in my situation with my wife. Wrong is wrong. Right is right. They know this. Someday they will understand. Even if that day is when they are standing in front of God. They will know.

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