Collaborate without boundaries


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Sorry that this is such a long post, but I didn’t want to forget any of it as I will probably share it with my counselor this coming week....

On my way to church this morning, I received a text from DH stating that I had some mail at his house. I sent a text back stating that I also had accidentally left a few items at his house.  I asked when would be a good time for me to come pick the stuff up. He replied anytime.  I then sent a text which simply stated for him to just let me know what would be convenient for him. He replied “call when u can”.  I still had a few minutes before arriving at church, so I called him. He told me that he didn’t have any plans today, and suggested that I stop by after church since he only lives about three minutes from where I attend church. I told him that I would call when church was over and make sure that was still convenient.  I called when church was over, and he said to come on over. I prayed the whole way to his house.  I thanked God for the opportunity to see him again. I thanked God for the opportunity that I would have to show Christ, and I asked God to help me be a blessing through our interaction today. I asked God to allow me to have no expectations. I prayed that God would give me strength and wisdom, and use me for his glory. When I arrived, I was surprised to see that nothing had been done in the house since I moved out. Furniture had not been moved around to fill the gaps.   In fact, the house was rather messy.  I did notice that the door to the bedroom where I slept after I no longer slept with DH was pulled shut.  He had my daddy‘s shower chair ready for me to take, and we went out to the garage to look for my ice cream maker and my little toolkit. We found the ice cream maker. I went back out to the foyer, and was thumbing through my mail while he was looking somewhere else for the tool kit. Stuck in the middle of the stack of mail was a Valentine card and a box of candy. The card had a picture of a fan on the front of it, and the words “Happy Valentine’s Day”.   When I opened it, it said “from your biggest fan”.  I was shocked. He came back out to the foyer, and I was ready to leave with my stuff. But he walked through the foyer and sat down in the living room. I just looked at him, and he asked if I was in a hurry.  I said no, and I sat down across from him in a chair.  He told me that he always knew that I had done a lot for him, but that this past week without me, he really realized how very much I did. He thanked me for everything that I had done for him. He told me that he was so sorry for all of this. He told me that he missed me, and that he got me that card because he is my biggest fan.  He told me that he wants me to be happy, and to have the very best that life has to offer.  You told me that I was the best person that he had ever been associated with, that I truly lived out my faith without wavering. I told him thank you, but that I did waiver, but that I appreciated the comment.  I told him that I had been thinking about a comment that he made about himself the night before I moved out. He had made the comment that he was very selfish. I told him that I didn’t see that.  He protested, and said “Look what I have done.  I have ruined things.”  I told him that a selfish person wouldn’t loan a large sum of money to a friend. A selfish person wouldn’t go buy some special bread at the store simply because my sister made a comment on how it looked good when she saw the ad in the newspaper.  A selfish person wouldn’t have bought me candy this week.  A selfish person wouldn’t share food with people at work, or give people rides when they needed one.  I told him in the almost 20 years that I’ve known him, that I have never thought of him as a selfish person. This may have been a selfish act, but it didn’t come from a selfish heart. I told him that I believed his actions were motivated by fear. He asked me fear of what. I told him that only he could figure that out. At some point in the conversation, he made the comment that he guessed his behavior had a lot to do with this upbringing. I asked him what he meant. He said that growing up, everyone loved each other, but there was no expression of love in his home growing up. No one ever said “I love you”.  I have often suspected that to be the case, but he had never told me that before. He even made the comment that he and his daughter love each other, but never say it.  He thanked me for the fact that things are still agreeable between us and made the comment that it had not been that way with his last divorce.  I told him that I missed him too. That I miss seeing his face every day. Did I miss hearing his stories about work. He chuckled at that. I told him that I miss doing things for him and just spending time with him. He nodded his head. He asked me if people at work knew what is going on.  I told him yes, that I had told a few people, that I’m sure the word had spread around. He told me that he had told no one. Not even his brother or his best friend. Only his daughter and her husband and children know.  I told him that I wanted him to know that it was important to me that I did not portray  him in a negative way as I told people and that I just wanted him to know that.  After a few moments of silence, I told him that I guessed it was time for me to go. He volunteered to help me carry stuff to the car. He had bought some laundry detergent, dishwasher soap, paper towels, and toilet paper in bulk, and asked if I would like to have some of it. He just insisted that I take some laundry detergent and dishwasher soap. We carried everything out to my car, and as I started to get into my car, he asked me if I wasn’t going to get the mail. I had accidentally left it inside. We both walked back inside, and before I picked up the mail,  I turned to him to give him a hug. He kissed me on the lips. He hasn’t kissed me on the lips in so long, way before he ever told me that he wanted a divorce.  It’s been a very, very long time.  He told me that I could call him anytime, and that if I ever needed anything, to ask. We hugged tighter, I pulled my face up off his chest and looked at him again, and we kissed on the lips again. I told him that he could call me anytime, and that if he ever needed anything, to please ask.  Tears started running down my face. As I started to walk out, he told me that there was one more thing. He told me that he didn’t want me to mention it to anyone. I am mentioning it in my journal because this is a safe place with no names. He asked me if he or his recliner head ever smelled like urine. I was shocked by this question. I know that a very long time ago, the dog had a urinary tract infection and accidentally peed in his chair. It took me a while to get all the odor out. I told him no, except that his chair had smelled like that a while back, but that I thought it was from the dog, and I had finally cleaned it off. I asked him if he was having trouble with continence.  He nodded his head and said “yeah, some”.  I’ve known this was the case for a couple of months but never said anything. I waited for him to bring it up.  He asked me what could cause it, and I told him that typically an enlarged prostate would. But the urologist said back in December that his prostate was not overly enlarged. That’s when they wanted him to have a scope.  I told him today that he probably ought to have the scope done.  He nodded his head. I asked him to let me know the outcome if and when he decided to have it done, and he said that he would.  I nodded my head, told him that I prayed for him every day, and tearfully left.  I don’t know what to make of all this. I will continue to pray that God’s will be done. I will continue to pray that DH will have an extraordinary meeting with Jesus. I will continue to pray until the judge declares the divorce final for the reconciliation of our marriage, a marriage with God at its center.  I don’t know what else to do other than that. I want to pick up the phone so often and call him, but I feel like he has to be the one to pursue me now.  God, give me guidance.

  • He surely sees his foolishness in all of this.  He has shown kindness often,  It's confusing in what he is thinking.  He may justify his past is the reason of what he chose to do, but that excuse isn't even flying with him.  

    Even after the courts say a d is finalized, that doesn't mean God sees it that way.  You can keep seeking Christ to restore the marriage like Linda is.

    He will continue as time goes on more and more of what you did for him.  And even without seeing or hearing your voice he will feel the love you had/have for him.

    He may, through the love you have shown, come back to you and God.

    Be still and see what God has in store for you.  

  • It feels like he is struggling very hard with this. A door has been opened this week with him realizing what it's like with you gone. Maybe further isolation is what he needs to fully realize he does need you. Continue to pray for him. I pray for my wife at least three times every day. Sometimes I feel like God may get tired of hearing me talk about her but I continue to ask for His help in bringing her back.

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