Collaborate without boundaries

Our last night under one roof

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I am having the hardest time getting ready and going to bed tonight.  I don't want tomorrow to come.  I don't want to close my eyes on today, my home, DH.  This is the last night that I will ever sit on the couch and look across the den at DH sitting in his recliner.  I don't want to close my eyes on that.  He went to bed long ago, and all I want to do is just sit around and look.  And cry.  I worked on packing and moving from the minute I left church until early evening.  And I have cried more tears than I thought humanly possible.  Movers will be here tomorrow morning at 9:00.  I feel like throwing up.  I determined to cook dinner for DH, even though I didn't feel like putting a bite into my mouth, I cooked one last meal for him.  I put his meds together for the week.  I wrote out checks for all of his bills that are due, and opened and set up a new cordless phone (yes, he still has a house phone!) that he got for Christmas and has never opened.  It was important to me to show him love to the very end, and I thank God for enabling me to love DH and serve him up to the end.

Tonight after I went through the bills, I went through a final checklist of questions with DH.  The final one was where did he want me to leave my house key.  He will be at work tomorrow while I move out.  He paused and didn't answer me.  Then he said that the last two days have been really hard on him, that seeing me pack up and carrying things out has made him feel really bad.  He said that he was sorry on two levels.  First, he was sorry for hurting me, and hurting my family.  He said I have a good family.  He said that he was very sorry for putting me through this.  Second, he said that he was sorry, as in a sorry person.  He said that what he is doing is wrong, that it's just plain wrong.  He said that I didn't do anything to deserve this, that I deserved someone better than him.  He said that I have been good to him, better than he deserved.  He said that he was selfish and he knew it.  He said that sometimes he wondered if he even knows what love is.  He said that he had asked God to forgive him for what he is doing.  All I could do is sit and listen while tears steadily streamed down my face.  I finally told him that I would miss him.  He said nothing.  I then asked again where he wants me to leave the key, and he told me.  He got up to get ready for bed.  After he crawled into bed, I went into his bedroom and sat down beside him and asked if I could pray.  He said yes, and turned the tv off.  I thanked God for the opportunity and privilege to be a part of the family.  I thanked God for DH, his daughter, son in law, and grandkids by name, and thanked God for the blessing they had all been to me.  I told God that brokenness had found its way into our marriage and that I knew God saw our tears.  I asked God to heal our hurts.  I told God that I loved DH, and asked Him to bless him, that I wanted the very best for DH - not what I think is best, or even what DH thinks is best, but what God thinks is best, now and always.  I said amen, and leaned down to hug DH.  He hugged me back and said he was sorry.  I kissed him on the ear (missed his cheek), and left the room crying.  The 23rd Psalm has been on my mind all day:  "The Lord is my shepherd;  I shall not want.  He makes me to lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside the still waters.  He restores my soul.  He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
  • Jesus served on earth up until His death. You served up until the final day of being under the same roof.  Sorry, but I can't remember if the d is final now or is coming up soon.  

    He feels sorry.  His conscience is feeling convicted.  That is good.  Probably in the coming days when his meals aren't cooked, his meds aren't organized, the bills are chaos, etc. it will hit him all the more how you loved.  And although he will miss all the service you provided him, he will realize he misses you and what you meant  or should have meant to him.

    Pride is in his way right now.  God can break that pride.

    Live a good life, in Christ, and be open to him coming back.  He has free will and his  pride and selfishness got the best of him. but God can bend his will to conform to His will.

  • The divorce will be final in a couple of weeks.

  • I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is. It's even more difficult when he says he knows what he is doing is wrong. I just don't understand it. I've also cried more tears than I though was possible. I think I've cried my last tear and then something happens that brings the flood. I understand completely. Like you I go to the 23rd Psalm and repeat it over and over to myself. I give God my pain and let Him deal with it. I pray that something happens with the conviction that DH is feeling. God is speaking to him and giving him an opportunity. He just has to accept it.

    Like Tim said Pride is in the way. Pride is the worst thing in the world. I studied a lot on Pride Friday. It's something that all humans have a strong weakness to. Watch this video when you can.

    crazylove.org/.../363

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