Collaborate without boundaries

R4D17 Keeping secrets can be hard!

  • Comments 14

This morning, DH asked me to make a deposit for him at the bank.  In the three years we have been married, he has never asked me to do that.  He always runs by the bank when he needs to on his way home from work.  He gets off at 3:30, and the bank closes at 4:00.  I knew that he must be headed somewhere after work.  My last appointment of the day ended up being cancelled, so I got home early.  I was home at about 4:15, and DH was not (he is usually home by 4:00).  I sent him a text to let him know I was home.  He sent me a text back about 5 minutes later, saying he was on his way home.  I suspected that he must have gone by the attorney's office.  When he got home, I greeted him and light-heartedly asked where he had to go after work.  He said he had to see someone.  I waited a few minutes, and decided to ask him if I could be nosey and ask who he had to see.  He said he stopped to see the attorney he had talked to, and told him that he wanted to put things on hold until after the holidays.  It sounds nice, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it didn't add up.  First, it is totally out of the way for him to stop by there on his way home.  If all he was doing was putting things on hold, he would have called them.  Plus, he supposedly had not paid the attorney to move forward yet.  If that is true, there would be no reason to put it on hold because nothing had really started.  He was there about 20 minutes today.  I believe he did indeed tell the attorney to hold things until after the holidays, but I also believe he paid the attorney today to move things forward.  I think he waited until he knew his colonoscopy was clear, and since that was good yesterday, he decided to stop by there today and further the process along.  I know I should believe the best, but that just defies logic.  When he told me, I told him that it wasn't like him not to tell me where he was, and that there was no need to try to hide the fact he went to the attorney from me.  I just smiled and went on my way.  But on the inside I just wanted to scream.  I wanted to tell him that his story makes no sense and demand the details.  But I didn't.  I cooked his dinner and never brought it up again.  

As far as today's dare, I was to determine to guard my DH's secrets.  I wanted very badly to share with my daughter what transpired this evening.  I did not.  I kept my mouth shut while on the phone with her.  To be honest, though, my flesh wants so badly to quit the dares.  I am so discouraged.  I know that God has taught me many things during this journey, and I am thankful for that.  And I know that I still have much to learn.  The process of sanctification is ongoing.  But I am weary and tired.  My husband is divorcing me.  That isn't going to change.  Do I believe God can do all things?  Yes.  But DH has free will to do what he chooses and he has chosen.  It is kind of him, I guess, to hold off until after the holidays.  But in the grand scheme of things, grief is grief no matter what time of year.
  • That would almost feel worse to agonize over this over the holidays.  On the other end though, it gives God and you more time to work on him.  My heart hurts for you.  I will pray for you now and put you on my prayer list.

  • That would almost feel worse to agonize over this over the holidays.  On the other end though, it gives God and you more time to work on him.  My heart hurts for you.  I will pray for you now and put you on my prayer list.

  • Yes, love believes the best.  And you are assuming way to much.  YOu may be right about it all.  Or maybe not.  Maybe  he just wanted to meet the attorney, someone he liked to  talk to.  Maybe he said to hold off completely on the d and that he had changed his mind, but just doen'st want to tell you that yet.

  • Our flesh looks hard at the negative and ignores other possibilities.  things may end in a d.  But you do not  know.  Saul was bent on destroying the church.   And God turned him into a master builder of the church.  no one  could have seen that coming.  If he can create Paul, he can create a reconciled marriage for you.  

  • Being tired and discouraged.  For  one, make sure you are getting enough sleep, the lack of sleep affects me at least.  But, being discouraged and tired of it all is a sign of  not having faith in God's divine providence for you.  Or if you do trust in His  divine providence, then you are putting what your husband may or may not do ahead of God's great plans for  you.  

    That's  great you didn't mention all of that to your  daughter.

  • But, really, what started all of the hurt was you snooping.  By asking and pushing the issue of where he was was a form of snooping.   He could  have gone Christmas  shopping for you.  He could have done a few other errands but wanted to  act evasive just to rile you.  

    What if he talked to  the attorney for a minute but drove around just thinking of how you have been showing kindness and he's confused about  it all and is just trying to  sort through all his confusion.

    Be at peace.  Know your husband doesn't even know the results of all of this yet.  :Do not worry of tomorrow.   Place your trust in God for today, and let that be sufficient.  

    Seek peace in prayer  and reading.  

  • Our spouses so often say they will do something like file, and then delay, then postpone again, knowing they feel so unsure  about it all.  Or maybe God is delaying, to extend this trial to give you more  time to grow, because He knows most  growth often comes during a trial.  

    Your husband has no idea what he really wants.  But as you say, he has free will.  Pray he chooses to use his free will in accordance with God's will.

  • Like some of the other comments say, you are assuming way to much. Trying to analyze what's going on will drive you crazy. Just live one day at a time. Live for God and no one else. God can work miracles. I can attest to that. My marriage is still in trouble and I may get a d but every other area of my life has been extremely blessed since turning my life completely over to God.

    I can tell you from research and talking to professionals that the longer the d is delayed the less chance it has to happen. If you keep doing your dares then maybe your husband will keep delaying long enough for God to work in his heart. NEVER assume that a d is going to happen. Like Tim said, Saul was feared by Christians everywhere and became one of Christianity's greatest champions. Anything is possible with God.

    I have also struggled with telling the kids things. It's so good that you resisted that. I have gone about 6 or 8 weeks now without telling them or anyone about what is going on outside of my therapist and I can see results. I have learned that what goes on between a husband and a wife should be kept between a husband and a wife. Just a couple days ago our 15 year old daughter said my wife was talking bad about me and asked if I do the same about her. My daughter told her "Actually, no he doesn't talk bad about you." I know that's not what my wife was expecting to hear and I also know from this book and many others I've read that when your expectations aren't met you start questioning things and getting emotional unless you've learned how to control them. So remember that and have no expectations yourself and continue to serve your husband and delay that d as long as possible. I would say don't sign the papers and even if it happens continue to serve him. You would be surprised at the statistics of people who remarry each other after getting divorced. It's never over.

    "But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

    Matthew 19:26

  • I am so sorry that you are feeling so discouraged. I can relate. My husband moved out two months ago, and filed for divorce 1 month ago. 2 weeks ago, he changed his phone number and blocked me from all social media. I have stopped doing the dares, because there is no way for me to contact him. But I have been putting my focus on God. I've never spent so much time in prayer and reading my Bible before.

    I believe that God desires for marriages to last, and I believe that He can use anything to turn my husband back towards our marriage. But, I am still discouraged. I am still afraid that DH will choose to leave the marriage. I trust that God will take care of me, but that doesn't make my situation feel better.

    One thing I have learned from my counselor is to know when to be quiet. Sometimes, our spouses choose not to share things because they are trying to protect us, or because they are still conflicted. By forcing him to share where he was and what he was doing, you may be pushing him towards admitting to you and himself what he is doing. The more he admits it, the easier it is to accept. As difficult as it is, try to let him come to you with these conversations.

    You also said that your DH has already chosen. So has mine. But God can still change their minds. Do what you can to show him God's love through you. Best of luck!

  • Omj.... welcome.....keep attempting the dates.   What if he comes back?  Would you then want the dates to have molded you to forgive and love more like Christ?

  • Tim, I actually did complete all of the dares. I just didn't journal on here. I am planning on reading back through each dare, and journaling here, knowing that many of the dares that require contact I will be unable to complete, unless God opens a door.

  • Sorry, thought you meant you stopped during the first round.  Consider doing the dares you are unable to do on him on a coworker or neighbor or a family member or friend as you go through the dares again.  

  • Omj, I never thought about it in terms of keeping quiet so that he doesn't have to admit to himself and to me what he's doing.   I know that thoughts in our minds become words in our mouths. Words in our mouths become actions.  I will never again ask.

  • Determind2017, my mentor told me that. It can be really hard not to ask questions. But that perspective really helped me. I wanted the details and the answers for myself, but I was forcing him to answer questions he may not have been ready to answer.

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