Collaborate without boundaries

R4D13 Christmas plans

  • Comments 3

DH and I really don't fight.  I drew up a list of rules to fight by during Round 1.  Some of the things on my list I have tried to incorporate into my everyday discussions with him, like listening before I speak, speaking gently and speaking the truth in love.  I think by practicing these things in everyday conversation, it is more natural to practice them when tensions are high and arguments arise.

When DH came home from his hunting trip, I told him that I was having a hard time figuring out how to handle Christmas.  He told me to just do whatever.   I told him that I appreciated that, but that I needed his help and wanted his input.  He told me that he didn't think things needed to be in an uproar, and that he thought it should be business as usual.  I asked what he meant and he said that he thought it should be just like any other year.  We talked about schedule and who would be coming for dinner Christmas Eve and the menu.  He mentioned that he hasn't done any shopping yet, asked if there was anything that I wanted, and told me not to get him anything.  When we finished talking about all that, he asked if I had anything else on my mind.  I told him that I am really tired and feel like I need a break, and said that I had thought about going to my sister's for a week.  I asked if he would be ok with that.  He said yes.  I asked if he minds if I take the dog and he said no he doesn't mind.  He asked me when I was thinking about leaving.  I said I was thinking about Thursday.  He said "Well, you know I have that appointment with that urologist on Friday".  I asked if he wanted me to go.  He said I could if I wanted to, so I told him that I would go with him to his appointment and then leave for my sister's after that.  I will come back a week later, the Friday before Christmas.  He also asked me if I would be able to take him to his colonoscopy this Monday morning at 6am and bring him home.  I said of course.  I am looking very forward to having a break and visiting my sister, and having some time during the day while she and her husband are at work to spend some extra time in prayer and reading.  I feel like I did the right thing by honoring DH's thoughts about how to handle Christmas.  I pray that God will use this season to speak to DH's heart.  I am considering asking him to go to worship service with me and my daughter on Christmas Eve morning.
  • You are right, practicing what the dares teach when things are ok make it so much easier to incorporate showing patience and kindness when things become difficult.  That's one reason being consistent is so important.

    I would say after this, plan Christmas as normal and just keep him apprised of what the plans are when it  is appropriate.  You've asked him a few times and he's leaving it up to you.  So, you showed you valued his input.

    He probably is fine with you going.  But, be aware if he starts acting like he is uncertain in you going later.  

    Asking him and her to go to church would be good.

  • Yes, I believe you showed him respect by asking his opinion. I just read a book on Respect and it said a man's native tongue is Respect. A woman's native tongue is Love. Show by showing him respect he heard what you said. I agree with you and Tim about showing him the gentle way you speak to him everyday is important. In case of conflict, you would have practiced how to stay calm in speech. Good for you. Stay in His peace. He loves you. You are His child.

  • Definitely ask him to go to church.

    Do you guys see a therapist? Communication is so difficult in situations like this because of all the unresolved resentment. A therapist could help mediate.

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