Collaborate without boundaries

R3D31 God is at work

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Tonight at the dinner table, DH brought up the subject of Thanksgiving.  He said he had discussed it with his daughter a couple of weeks ago after I told him I had thought about trying to move out before Thanksgiving.  The night that DH told me he had spoken with an attorney, I mentioned that I thought about trying to be out of the house by Thanksgiving.  It was after I said that when I realized he hadn't actually filed for divorce yet.  I knew then that what I said had been a mistake.  Well, I guess DH took that and ran with it.  He didn't think I would still be around at Thanksgiving and so he and his daughter decided it would be best to go out to eat since none of them really cook.  Then he asked me if I was still planning to move this weekend.  I said "no", and reminded him that two days after that conversation about meeting with the attorney, I had asked him if he would consider postponing the divorce until we knew what he was dealing with in terms of his health.  I reminded him tonight that he never gave me an answer, and said that I had not made any plans to move out.  I asked him what timeframe he had in mind, and he said he didn't know, and asked me what I thought.  I just smiled at him and he asked me again what I thought.  I kept smiling and told him that by now I thought that I had made my thoughts pretty clear.  He said "really, I want you to tell me."  So I told him that I thought it was a tragedy for so much friendship and so much love to be thrown away in divorce.  I told him that he had searched his whole life for someone to love him unconditionally.  He had searched his whole life for someone to really truly care for him.  He had searched his whole life for someone who would stick with him in the ups and downs.  And I told him that I don't understand how he could turn his back on that and walk away.  I told him that I knew he loved me, and he nodded his head.  I told him that I knew he wasn't in love with me, but that I knew he loved me and that I loved him.  He said that he felt bad for all the stuff that I do for him, that it's not right or fair that he takes advantage of my kindness, and that I deserve better than him. I told him that I think he's pretty special, and I do the things I do in an attempt to help him feel special.  I told him that everything I do for him is because I love him.  He said that he knew I would say that.  I told him that I think there is a part of him that doesn't want a divorce, that his actions don't match his words.  I told him that his actions communicate love to me. He seemed to agree with me.  I then said that even though there was a part of him that didn't want a divorce, there is another part of him that has a problem with something and sees divorce as the only answer, the only way out.  I told him that I understood that divorce makes perfect sense to him, but that it didn't make sense to me.  I also told him that moving out was not what I wanted.  I said that I hope that he could see that I was willing to do whatever I could for him and our marriage, that our relationship was that important.  He didn't say anything.  I got up from the table, kissed him on the cheek, and told him that I loved him, and I left for Bible Study.  At least I had an opportunity to complete today's dare and let him know what a priority he is in my life.

I may have said too much.  I may have said the wrong things.  I don't know.  I just said what was on my heart, and hopefully I let the Holy Spirit guide me.  As I was headed to bed, he asked me the same exact question that he asked at dinner.  "What do you think?"  I just smiled at him.  After an awkward moment of silence, he just kinda nodded his head and turned back to the tv.  It's like he is trying to get me to draw up the plan, to create a timeline, to plan out the divorce scenario for him.  I think at this point he is lost.  He thought that I would just agree to go sign papers and now he just isn't sure what to do.  It's pitiful, really.  Thank you, God, for protecting my marriage one more day.  Somehow, I feel like tonight I could see God at work.  The way that DH seemed to be asking for guidance.... His sovereign plan is at work, and I choose to trust that.
  • I needed this tonight. I pray that God is doing the same work with my wife and delaying her filing so that he has time to prepare us for what he has.

  • We so often look at circumstances from our point of view.  We as humans are so selfish and so self involved.  I am really talking about myself last night.  I will highjack your post for a moment.  Sorry.  I go about once a month to a friend of my mom's with my mom.  My dad and her husband were good friends and they both passed away not long ago.  We have supper together and her daughter and boyfriend that are more my age are always there too and we became friends.  

    Wife really threw it in my face how it is weird I go to this person's house (with my mom) since she isn't my friend and not my age.  And when I got back home she mentioned how odd it was like I was a  wierdo.

    I was so frustrated, thinking, what's wrong with spending time with our  elders and two people more my age.  sure better than a bar and people of the opposite sex.

  • I guess my point is.  Your  husband doesn't believe the  best like most people.  He took it as you wanted out of the house by thanksgiving.  And maybe he knows he said d but doesn't know how to go about showing you he doesn't want one, but thinks you are preparing for one.  Maybe he's just trying to sweep it under the rug so he can save face and pretend the d word was not  brought up.

    He may possibly be looking at you as the leader of the marriage and confirmation that you don't want a d, because he put all his faith in you saying you would move out.

  • I guess my point is.  Your  husband doesn't believe the  best like most people.  He took it as you wanted out of the house by thanksgiving.  And maybe he knows he said d but doesn't know how to go about showing you he doesn't want one, but thinks you are preparing for one.  Maybe he's just trying to sweep it under the rug so he can save face and pretend the d word was not  brought up.

    He may possibly be looking at you as the leader of the marriage and confirmation that you don't want a d, because he put all his faith in you saying you would move out.

  • I guess my point is.  Your  husband doesn't believe the  best like most people.  He took it as you wanted out of the house by thanksgiving.  And maybe he knows he said d but doesn't know how to go about showing you he doesn't want one, but thinks you are preparing for one.  Maybe he's just trying to sweep it under the rug so he can save face and pretend the d word was not  brought up.

    He may possibly be looking at you as the leader of the marriage and confirmation that you don't want a d, because he put all his faith in you saying you would move out.

  • You can be Jesus to him and he thinks by just saying hi, he is being just as nice to you.  You give all of  you to him and he puts his dishes near the sink and he thinks you both are being equally nice.  

    He is so about his pride and selfishness.  he needs continued confirmation in your actions that you do love him.  He believes it but isn't sure how much he can trust you will always be there after what he has done.  

  • So, look at this from his perspective, he is only reacting to and thinking you were going to move out, period.

    oh brother, I don't think I got my point across.  

    Anyhow.  Remain patient and wait how all this unfolds.  The good is that  you know, no matter what, God has great plans for you.

  • Now that you have had this talk with him, remain still and do not try to force anything, such as pulling his car up to yours.  Let  God continue the work in him, and in you.

    About the in love thing....that all our spouses say.....They are looking for or thinking of the infatuation feeling that first comes about when begin dating someone seriously.  That  puppy love stage of the relationship.  That is what the words teaches we need.  But, what our spouses need to see is  the  mature, unselfish love we are giving them.

  • I meant  to add, maybe my wife is just looking at this from her perspective like we all have a tendency to do with this  trial.  and was jealous of my mom getting my attention and me spending  time under the same roof with the woman's daughter.  boy, my train of  thought like so often is all over the place.  Sorry if I am just repeating myself, or  not making any sense at all.

  • I meant  to add, maybe my wife is just looking at this from her perspective like we all have a tendency to do with this  trial.  and was jealous of my mom getting my attention and me spending  time under the same roof with the woman's daughter.  boy, my train of  thought like so often is all over the place.  Sorry if I am just repeating myself, or  not making any sense at all.

  • And that I was only looking at things from my perspective, and not hers.  

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