Collaborate without boundaries

The value of wise counsel...

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I have a dear friend at work that is a couple of years older than me, and is probably the most mature Christian woman that I have ever met.  Her husband suffers from long-term severe depression, and so she definitely can relate to the struggle that I face with my spouse's depression.  I was sharing with her this morning about feeling like I am in la-la land.  Monday night, DH tells me his mind is made up, he's given it time, and he is ready for a divorce.  Tuesday night, he is cordial, asks if I need anything from the store, and brings back a box of raininettes for me after just bringing me some a couple of days ago.  (3 boxes in the last 4 days - I shared one of them with him.  Other two are still on the counter.  I am trying to eat healthy these days.). Anyway, this morning highlighted for me the importance of wise counsel.  This was her response to my la-la land comment: "Can you imagine being in his head? He doesn't want to hurt you, he doesn't want to live in confusion. He isn't capable to love you well and he isn't capable of leaving you. As much as you are hurting and feeling like you're in la-la land, he is out there far more. He has lived alone in his messed up world and could cope on his own. Then he brings sunshine into his life and home. It disrupted his long held routine of life. His depression didn't impact anyone but him, it felt normal. His way of coping versus you and your way of coping, Jesus, are in conflict."  I really didn't recognize depression in his life when we got married, but looking back, it was there.  It has only continued to get worse.  Her comments opened my eyes this morning that in order to deal with the stresses and hurts of this life, DH turned to "routine".  Routine gives him comfort, ease, control, and peace.  Rather than look to Jesus for these things, he looks to the idol of routine.  When we got married, I moved into his home and upset his routines, although I tried to do so as little as possible.  But upsetting his routines gave him a sense of being out of control, and a lack of peace.  Anything can become an idol in our lives, and routine has become his.  I am praying that this stronghold in his life will be destroyed, and that he will see his need for Jesus.

  • I bet your friend grew in Christ through her husband's years of depression.  And the same can happen with you as you continue in this journey.

    Let him know by you appreciate the candy but haven't eaten it yet because.........  Otherwise he may look at You leaving it as a snub of his affection.

  • As,when, if he chooses to let his wall down, and if he's comforted by strict routines, consider trying to make Tuesday movie or Netflix night together.  Or Thursday night grocery shopping together.  Or Saturday morning cleaning the yard together.  Or Sundays sharing time in his hobby.  If this sounds achievable or possible in the future, do not push it it add to much at once.  Just a thought.

  • I see myself in your post. I also have struggled with depression for years and you're dead on. I thrive from routine and everything has a place in my home. I'm not ok with people interrupting that most of the time. It does feel like things are out of my control and I am frantic until things are back the way I need them. I'm sure that's a huge source of my husbands stress with me. I have found several health issues (extremely low vitamin D and low cholesterol) that have contributed to mine and finally admitted that as bad as I didn't want to be on medication I had to be. Keep praying for him. It's a very hard thing to deal with. And your friend is right. Hurt people hurt people.

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