Collaborate without boundaries

Days 1-6

  • Comments 4

Hi.  This is my story.  I met my wife in August of 1998.  July of 1999 we were married.  This was not a bad decision.  I love my wife...always have...always will.  My issue is that lately, I don't like her.  I don't want to be around her.  I feel constantly attacked by her.  I don't feel like I can ever do anything right.  We have 5 kids.  Sometimes I think the only reason she has not kicked me out is because the kids need a father.  It has been several months without any intimacy.  She has no allowed me to even kiss her in over two months.  Hand holding...nope.  We were at church over the weekend and was feeling rather moved by the spirit.  I whispered to her that I love her.  Truly love her.  She would not even speak to me the rest of church.  I try and touch her and she draws away.  I feel like I am revolting to her.  About two months ago, she said that she was done trying to talk to me.  She was willing to listen to me, but she would not share things that are important to her.  I shut down.  I guess I told myself that if she didn't want to talk then I wouldn't either.  I think that this was very wrong on my part.  I am scared of her.  My teenage daughters think I am spineless because I do not stand up for myself and let her constantly yell at me.  What good would it do for me to yell back.  In fact,  I did yell at her ever so briefly yesterday, that I instantly broke down and cried.  I apologized to her and went to my bedside and prayed for forgiveness.  We need help.  I started this love dare process to find peace.  Maybe even find my wife again.  She is not 100% to blame for this.  I have equal blame.  I need to change and adapt.  I really hope this dare process will help me do it.

I made it to dare 5 with out any issues.  For the showing kindness dare, she even smiled.  That is something I have not been able to get her to do in some time.  Dare five took me 2 days to get up the nerve and ask her.  3 things that she finds irritating about me?  I didn't even want to for fear.  I did it though..last night.  She said only two.  That I am not meeting my potential and that I make too many excuses.  Slightly confusing since she will not speak to me and elaborate.  Day 6 dare is extremely confusing to me.  I have no idea way I am to journal.  I don't know what "adding margin" to your schedule means.  Help?

  • Welcome.  This will be a journey between you and Christ, not you and her.  she will be used as a tool to mold you.  do a dare a day, no more, no less.  Do the dares as they are intended to  be done, without changing them to make them easier.  do not read ahead in the book other than the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  Have no expectatiosn of her when you do the dares.  In fact, it may get worse before it gets better, because she may think, Why wasn't he always this way?

  • That's great you realized you reacted wrongly to her when she said she would not talk but just listen to you.  You first reacted as the world teaches, but then corrected in a Godly way.

    The  feeling or being looked at as being spineless.  Again the world's way.   Your daughters just want the best for you and don't like to see you hurt,  but, look how Jesus didn't really defend Himself.  He even had all the power to stop His horrendous crucifixion but He didn't.  He took what was handed to Him. the  cross.  Just consider her harshness your cross to bare.

  • Enjoy the thought of the  smile, but then let God know you enjoy Him all the  more.

    Margin.   To me, and it's been a long time since I did the dares, means to  make room for the right things in your life, Prayer, bible, church, fellowship, family, etc.  By cutting out the time wasters, to much TV, to much golf, video games, social media, etc.  All these things  are fine, but not when they take away the more important things.  

  • Your story is very similar to mine. I was married in November 1998. My wife is leaving me maybe because I didn't do anything about the relationship soon enough even though, like you, I knew it was dying. Everything about your story sounds like mine. We have six children. My kids tell me I need to stop letting my wife trample me. I yelled back at times and just pushed her further away. My wife warned me on March 15, 2017, the last time she asked me to let her in, that I was pushing her too far for her to come back. Don't let your marriage get that far.

    You should talk to your preacher. Get a Christian marriage therapist. Get some books- The Five Love Languages (read chapter 10) and His Needs Her Needs. Many people think that love is a magical feeling that comes and goes. You will learn from those books that love is a CHOICE. When you choose to love the feelings follow.

    The Love Dare will certainly teach you to be a better person. The best thing I got from it was the ability to control my anger. I haven't reacted in anger for months even though I am very angry at what my wife is doing to me and our children. I learned to manage it and I am much closer to God.

    I've been journaling for months on here. If you get a chance to read my journals you may get some insight into things not to do because I made many mistakes throughout this process.

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