Collaborate without boundaries


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I have been doing really well at not getting mad at him for not putting his own stuff away or cleaning up after him. I have been keeping the apartment clean on my own and keeping the litter box cleaned since last Saturday. In the meanwhile, he has done it once and taken out the trash once as well. I have not cooked dinner for either of us, but that is mostly in part because I am fasting and he doesn't know that. He is having to fend for himself, which is something I've never made him do before now. 

The places I need to add margin to my schedule are: 

-working OT less so I can be home more --even if he doesn't want to spend time with me--

-taking time away from family to be home --I always spend weekends with my family and it bugged him so much that he never had quality time with me and only me--

-make time to ride my bike, walk, or hike with or without him to make myself feel good about myself and to continue losing weight


The wrong motivations I need to let go of are:

-losing weight for him because he doesn't find me attractive anymore when I should be doing it for myself instead in order to feel attractive and good about myself again and show self-confidence 

-spending every weekend with my family because I feel guilty for not seeing them

-hoping the Love Dare will change his heart as much as it has been changing mine and showing me the improvements I have been needing to make on myself and expecting him to notice them and want me back 

-trying to talk through problems when he says he doesn't want to and he's done --in his mind, there is no coming back from where we were--

-wanting to do the things he has been wanting to do to prove myself to him that I'm not the person he thinks I am --prove to him who I really am without the walls being back up: being fun, being kind, and things of that nature--

 -avoid locking myself in my room in order to have the distance between us to make him miss me while we still live together as roommates

**not sure of anything else that I may need to let go of right now...I continue to pray for God to lift the veil from his eyes, to soften his heart, to make feel how he has broken my heart, to place conviction in his heart for the things he is doing and has done, and to give him the same dreams that He has given to me and the visions of our future together.**

  • You've got good lists and you recognize that you are far from perfect. Keep working on yourself. God will work on both of you in time. Patience and perseverance are two things you need to concentrate on. There's a lot in the Bible on them.

  • Is it justified you stop cooking just because it doesn't benefit you?  Can that appear to be selfish?  

    why reduce OT?  Isn't that helping you give him space, the space he needs?  It is often us that choose to do things like work less so we can find more comfort being around them.  Seek wisdom on if there is a true reason you reduced OT.

  • Don't worry about him changing. Right now, simply pray that God's will is done in his life.  That covers everything good.  But then you did mention this also in the things you need to change, which is great you see that.  But keep that in mind.  

  • My OT is being reduced so I can go to church on Wed and Thurs nights. So, if he's wanting to do things outdoors, should I let him do them alone and do them on my own as well? Or what should I do?

    Food - I cooked Thursday and Friday morning and night and packed his lunch and mine each day. Saturday we had my mom's bday party where food was provided. I didn't eat much due to the fast. My mom and Nana kept saying they could see how much weight I had lost and that they were very proud of me. He said quietly as I was walking by that he liked the way I smelled (perfume). He also said on the way to the car that the weightloss was very noticeable. To both I replied thank you. I don't know how to take either comment right now and didn't know what else to say.

    We have to go grocery shopping as it is his turn to buy the food this week. I usually do all of the cooking. I have been trying to get him to learn since he doesn't know how. Sometimes he will sit and watch me and sometimes he will help me. I don't know which one he will do now since he is trying to quit video games and is always on his phone.

  • Sorry, i read it as you were reducing OT to spend more time at home and also since you were fasting you chose not to cook.

    If he goes outdoors for an activity you can't stop him, or force yourself upon him.  consider that part of the space he needs.  IN this space he is getting, it is more time for God to work in him.  If you want to do things outdoors, be open with him and let him know what you are doing.  otherwise he may wonder what you are up to and think the worse.  If you do things alone outdoors, consider it another way of giving him space and again leaving the door more open for God to work in him.  

  • Just enjoy his compliments but do not read into it in anyway or take it as a sign of something.  and then let God know as much as you enjoyed his compliments you enjoy Him all the more.

    If he chooses to help cook that's great, but have no expectations nor try to teach him unless he is wanting to learn.  Just another way to give him space and let God work.  

  • Do you both always go grocery shopping together?  If not, don't force yourself to go with him.  

    As always, if you choose to consider anything I say, pray upon it first.  It is easy sometimes to misinterpret what is being said from me, or me getting what you are trying to get across wrong.  

  • We always went grocery shopping together. He hates how long it takes. He would rather take a list and be done with it himself instead of me having the list or no list and walking around the store. But, since we were/are trying to eat a lot healthier, that's what was so time consuming - getting the right foods for our diet.

    Last night it was kind of weird...he was an hour late coming home, but he may have had to take someone home from work. So, I didn't question it. I came home and did the litter box, did the dishes, took out the trash, cleaned the bathroom, swept the kitchen, vacuumed the carpets, fed/watered the cats, finished up some things in my room, and started his clothes in the washer. I also had dinner ready before he ever got home. It was sitting on the stove when he got home.

    I was in my room with the cats when he came home and asked if when I get bored if he should just expect me to start doing his laundry. I said I don't know, maybe? He was cheerful when he got home. He showed me his new jacket from work and had me try it on after I finished cleaning the dishes after work. He took me in an embrace and apologized for being a butt head. I, in turn, apologized as well. He asked what I had to apologize for and I said because I have my moments as well.

    We sat side-by-side last night watching Netflix and he didn't play a game at all on the Xbox. He put his head on my shoulder and I ran my fingers through his hair showing him some kind of affection. He pulled away and sat back up straight. He wasn't sure how to take affection at that point I don't think.

    He had complained about his pillows being lumpy and I told him he could use of mine, but he couldn't have it. He came and laid on my bed and on my pillow, which threw me for a loop. I sat down after a few minutes and played with his hair and rubbed his back. He got up and took my pillow and said he didn't want to feel emotions and went to bed. I wasn't showing emotion or talking about them either, but he said he could feel them from me.

    This morning, he tapped on my door to make sure I was awake for work. I cleaned the litter box. He cleaned off our cars, and gave me another hug before we both left for work.

    I don't know how to take his behavior right now, but I'm still praying that God can touch his heart as well as my own.

    I'm very confused. He again complimented me on my perfume and my clothes since they are becoming too big for me now.

  • He wanted to know if there was anything he could help me do after dinner and I said no, I had it covered because I was almost done anyway. He came in the kitchen and asked if I was lying and I said no. I was almost done anyway when he asked. He said okay and that's when he held his arms out wide for me to come to him and accept his embrace.

    It's like he wants to show affection, but he doesn't know how I will react and vise versa. Obviously, I don't want to lose him like he says I am and have him keep pulling away. Should I just accept the affection he shows and see what happens?

    Any intimacy is off the table, there is NO questioning that on either end at this point. And I'm holding myself to that as well because I want God to work in our lives and not have that play a part in his emotions or cloud any judgement.

  • He said he may or may not be spending the night a his "buddy's" house tonight like he had planned on doing. That still worries me, and I'm still praying for that situation and for conviction to come upon them, if they are seeing each other tonight, or if it truly is one of his male friends.

    It still hurts to think he would be going to her though if he is.

    He did put his phone away during dinner last night when I asked him if he had to have his phone at the dinner table. We just started eating at the dining room table instead of in front of the TV. Which is nice.

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