Collaborate without boundaries

Day 4 (Night)/ Day 5: Don't Be Rude

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Day 5. This has been the most heartbreaking day for me. Last night, when I picked her up from work, she went right on her phone again. She spoke w/ some coworkers, and then called her Mom. I got the gist, and could understand that her Mom was asking how everything was going. The conversation then turned to my parents and whether they reached out to my wife about the situation, which was received a profound "no". This seriously upset me about my parents. They don't know Christ, and I believe are more concerned about my "happiness" even though you were at our wedding! So you'd naturally think they'd reach out to my wife. When we got to Church, I gave her the food I made for us, and as we were eating I was texting my mother suggesting she contact my wife to see how she was. I pray she does. Anyway, we went to the Church member meeting to discuss where the Church is going and its financials from the past year. At the end of the meeting, the head Pastor announced that he has been called to another assignment and will no longer be the head Pastor come Jan. 2017. This was a shock to everyone, and the board will be searching for another head Pastor to replace him. My wife obviously from that point forward was more upset, and was just completely shut off from me the rest of the night. Remember, she's dealing with wanting to separate from me, not being certain about what's going on w/ her job, and now the head Pastor leaves. She's overwhelmed, but won't let me in. I offered at the end of the night to be an ear, and hear her out, because she was visibly upset, but she was dismissive, and said she didn't want to talk.

Now this brings us to this morning. I did the usual for her; made coffee, packaged her lunch, etc. When we got into the car and was on the way to work, I asked her what were some things that made her feel uncomfortable w/ me. She then proceeded to say that I was unstable, untrustworthy, and that she...still wanted to temporarily separate. She said that she is uncomfortable at home, because I was there. I proceeded to tell her that I know that I cannot force her into anything, and that if she thought temporary separation was beneficial for us then I'd trust her, but that we should at least speak w/ a Pastor from Church to let them know our situation. She, of course, said she had no one to talk to at Church. I told her that I wanted her to know that the man she disliked in me who was all about doctrine died on Sunday when I find out that I was acting like a Pharisee w/ no love. I tried to let her know that God has been replacing who I thought I needed to become w/ the man He was originally molding me into. She then said that I should reflect on the past 5 years with regards to all the debating, which I said that I have, and that I did not want to be that person anymore; that I loved her, and am committed to her. She ended the conversation after that, and left me w/ a face of forced anger. I'm sincerely deflated right now. I told our core group of friends about the situation, and they haven't gotten back to me yet, but I'm sure they're in prayer. I called her mother as well, and let her know where her head was at, and she plans to sit down w/ her. I told her mother that I just don't understand how she could excuse EVERYTHING else that we've done together, everything I've done for her, and all the good times that we've had. I didn't cheat on her, I didn't hit her, I was a man who thought that Reformed theology was the best way to lead my family, who unfortunately became cold, and divisive because of it. Why can't she see all the good in our marriage? Why can't she understand this is a covenant between God, and US? Why can't we both die together to ourselves, love like Christ, and grow together? I can only struggle against my sadness right now by standing upon the peace of God. Please pray for us...

  • Have you shared Christ with your parents?

    It was good you did the dare in person.

    I would be cautious of talking to her mom about what's going on.  Your wife may view it as you attempting to make her look bad to her family.

    Don't dwell on the why's in all this.  You won't figure it out.  And it can detract you from your journey in Christ.

  • I have shared Christ w/ my parents, and my sister a couple times. My parents are set in their traditionalism w/ Roman Catholicism-presently anyway, but God-willing, they will one day have hearts to repent and believe.

    My wife's mom knows about the situation. We're both very transparent w/ her mom, because she tends to be the rock of the family. I will be letting my wife know just so she's aware.

    Thank you, Tim. Please pray that I don't get drawn up into the "why's". God be with you.

  • Parts of this is so similar to my situation.  Wanting to temporarily separate and she was uncomfortable with you around.  Her heart has grown hard towards you.  Anything you do that would increase her loving feeling in the past may have a negative effect.  So do not be overly loving.  The Love Dare is a great guide on how to act.  You are walking a fine line, do too much and push her away, do too little and she thinks you are letting her go.  She's teetering on the brink.  This is where God needs to intervene and work on her.  You need to be a testament in Christ, don't be needy, but be loving, but not a pushover, or permissive.  Good luck and will keep praying.

  • I'm glad you have talked to your family about Christ.  Their Catholic faith, if they choose to, will definitely bring them to Christ and repentance.  But they have free CV will to choose to VC follow Christ.

    I had to laugh.  I spent months in the why phase.  

  • Will pray for you and the community.

  • Thank you, brothers. I am truly thankful for your prayers.

  • I am with Tim.  I spent a lot of time in the Why's and I do catch myself going down that road sometimes.  When that happens and they why's of life rear their ugly heads I turn it in on myself.  You have a lot of why questions but the most important question to answer yourself is, Can you love your wife unconditionally as Christ loves?  Let the love of Christ reflect from you.  She will see it and we pray that she allows it to work in her.  Asking her to believe you changed in 1 weekend VS 5 years is kind of tough and she will, in time.  Continue to be there for her, do not falter because when you do she will say "See, I knew you didn't change"

    Love her in every possible way you can

    Love her without expecting anything in return

    Love her no matter what

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