Last night and for part of the day today have been the most difficult time for me since my fiance left. I have been constantly praying for God to help me take away all the hurt, shame, guilt, and pain away from me so that I may continue to life my life and show my children that with God anything is possible. Broken hearts I imagine can last a lifetime and that may just be what I am in for because I am still in love with my fiance and still want him to home come to his family. But after something that happened in my life today, I know that everything is in God's hands now and all I need to do is be thankful for that by enjoying the good things in life and unconditionally loving the people who are in my life as of today. I cannot continue to focus on why my fiance left us, or why it appears that he was not strong enough to fight for our love.........doing that will only take me to a place that I never want to be again. He has made the choice and that is something he must deal with, not me. I will pray that he finds whatever it is he is searching for and should he ever decide to be civil to me then I will show him the same respect, after all my love still burns for him, so being hateful towards him would not do anything but cause me more distress.
My boys and two of their friends were outside with me on the other side of our house this past Saturday night and about an hour after we came inside, I had two police officers knock on my door informing me that my boys and their 2 friends had been accused of throwing rocks at a car. They denied having any involvement or even knowing anything about any rocks being thrown with everything they had. I believed them because they have never given me any reason before to not believe them. Sure, the two boys they were hanging out with had previously been in trouble themselves, but my boys never have. The cops took down all 4 of the boys information and said they would be in touch with us mom's within a few days time. The phone rang today and a detective was on the line calling to tell me that the owner of the car that was damaged by the rocks will not press charges as long as the boys fess up to what they did and we pay for the damage to the car. Otherwise the detective stated that this would be going to court where something much worse could possible happen. I still believed my boys and stuck up for them telling the detective that they didn't do it, he said he emphasized with me but that all the evidence and the witnesses' statements are leaning in only one direction which is that my boys were involved and they are lying. I picked my oldest son up from school today as I do everyday and didn't say a word to him until we got home because I didn't want to start the discussion in the car. I explained to him what the detective told me and that I need him to be completely honest with me now no matter what he has said up to this point. After going back and forth I finally got him to admit that all 4 boys were involved and 3 of them, one of mine and two of the friends, were the ones who actually threw the rocks. My heart immediately felt much lighter and I didn't realize at the time that it had absolutely nothing to do with my oldest son finally admitting to me that he lied. I will be calling the detective back tomorrow morning and setting up a time for both my boys to go in and tell the truth of everything that happened and what their involvement individually was. This is important because they have to learn it is not okay to lie and it is not okay to damage someone else's property for any reason whatsoever. You should treat people the way you want to be treated and the way that God would like you to. My boys need to redeem theirselves from this mess that they alone got themselves into. I have punished them and disallowed them to hang out any longer with the other two boys that were involved in the rock throwing and I am content that they are truly sorry and that they will tell everything they know when we meet the detective.
My heart it seems should have been aching even more than it had been and that's why I couldn't understand why such a feeling of relief and peace had come over me. My prayers have worked! God has opened my eyes through a lesson he has taught my children. Today I can finally breathe! I can eat and I feel like today is the beginning of the rest of my life. What I do from here on out is going to matter because God loves me and he has shown me that I need to take care of myself regardless of anything or anyone else. I am more grateful than I have ever been and although I am alone with my children and my family is not together, I am going to show him how much his love and strength means to me by focusing on the blessings that I do have in my life, my 3 beautiful and amazing children and myself. God will take care of my fiance and whatever he is going through, it is not my responsibility now that he has chosen to block me totally out of his life. I am excited to continue each day even though the dares are pretty much going to be unreachable for me when it comes to my fiance and I. Hopefully I can continue to incorporate the dares into developing a better relationship with my children and if I am unable to complete one, then that's okay too. God bless all true believers in the process that this book has to offer the people who put it first in their life and I pray that you all are happy within yourself now, and always!
Praise God Chrissy! I am overjoyed that you have felt that sense of peace. Don't think that is the one and only time either. You will constantly come across it time and time again. I posted in my journal entry from yesterday my devotions. You are the one that I thought of IMMEDIATELY when I read it, so I want to share it with you personally -
Next time you’re trying to understand God’s Work or pray according to His will, next time you’re trying to overcome sin, next time you’re trying to make sense of your circumstances or relieve your pain, stop and remember the assistance available to you. He’s the greatest power in the universe, and He makes Himself known through faith and persistence asking. Don’t settle for faint awareness that He is there somewhere, though you’re not sure where. Pound on the doors of heaven until He’s a reality experienced in your heart. Remember that Jesus would not have left us in body unless He’d planned to come back to us in Spirit, deeper and fuller than we could have ever known Him otherwise.
Even when you are in deep despair, hurt, and feeling helpless – He is with YOU! Remember that! You are NOT alone! After reading your entry today, I firmly believe, you REALIZE that. Keep at it girl!