Collaborate without boundaries

part two of last entry

  • Comments 5

Thanks for the replies all.  Eddie I don't see how I can even bring up the LD without revealing our marital problems and making her look bad.  

I do feel like I am doing a good job standing for the marriage.  Though i know i am not perfect.  I think all of us are doing a good job standing.  

We dropped her car off at the repair shop and I drove her home.  It is so rare we are in the same car together.  She was cold but responded to my statements.  I was sad to see at the restaurant yesterday the kids and I prayed before eating together.  She just started eating while we prayed.  She use to be in prayer with us.  

I can say at least for me, when in the beginning, i was standing for the marriage for myself.  And it was easier to take the venom, since I didn't want a d.  But when I grew in Christ, and got more in His comfort, I had to stand more and more for Christ than for myself and this is when it becomes harder.  when it should actually be easier to stand for Christ vs standing for my own desires.  I use to always say when things get better, such as they are in our marriage, but still at a point that is just awful, it becomes a dangerous time.  Because it is when we want to take control and fix it and bring our spouses car up to ours.  And this backfires because we take control from God.

Sometimes we think, if something major happened, such as becoming very sick or hurt, it would bring our spouse around.  But, from my experience, at least health scares and problems do not bring our spouses around.  Before all the trial started, I was having chest pains for a few weeks.  One day I asked her to drive me to the emergency room thinking maybe a mild heart attack and I didn't want to endanger others.  She was not concerned in the least.  KInd of funny, but the pain I was experiencing was only a pulled muscle.  Go figure.  Another time before the trial I woke up and the pain kept getting worse and worse and it felt like I needed operated on right away.  I woke her up, told her I was taking myself to the emergency room and may need surgery. (No, I am not a hypochondriac, just the opposite)  She said okay and went back to sleep.  Who goes to sleep when your spouse has to rush to the hospital.  Kind of funny again.  It was just a kidney stone.  I considered if I would have been better off dying the pain was so bad).  The nurse said to call home and let my wife know I was going to be okay.  I told her I didn't want to wake her up.  She could truly care less I think.  

Another time a machine at work malfunctioned and cut my finger tip 98% through.  Basically a hang nail keeping my finger tip connected.  She could care less.  She criticized me how I protected my finger the first day or so.  

My dad get very sick for a while. She never asked how he was doing.  He did die from this eventually.  She never once said she was sorry to me or even acknowledged to me my dad died.  And they got along well.  

So, I doubt a major hurdle will solve our problems.  At least for me.

But it is crazy.  I do about everything for the kids.  Clean the house much more than she does, take care of fixing the cars that always seem to have somethign going wrong, take care of the house, about get blown off the roof trying to get the fascia put back on, all the while she's on her phone or watching tv or going out with whoever. She may do a load of laundry now and then.  Or shop for food maybe once a month.

Yes, the flesh thinks, just seperate now and then, but the flesh is very quickly conquered and I keep standing for the covenant. I wonder if she has a clue it's been 6 or more years that she's seperated in her mind.  NOt that it matters.

  • Tim don’t live defeated, that is how it appears, remember we can live in the victory Jesus won on the cross. Praise him for that victory and own it. The devil wants us: demoralized, depressed, defeated, and dead. This goes for me as well I am just as liable to fall into these.

  • Thanks for sharing that. Continue to pray for her and do what you know is right to do. In doing so she'll heap coals of fire on her head.

  • Tim I hope I didn't speak out of turn, I apologies. you are an inspiration to me.

  • LOL.  NO Josh, you did not speak out of turn.  to be straightforward, I thought, what did he read to think I was feeling defeated?  But then, I realized, another point of view is what i need.  And just because I feel one way doesn't mean I am not another way.  Ok, not worded well....  I am sure you see something I do not.  Thanks for your reply.

    I do tend to paint a bad picture.  But I should be and am very grateful to God we are still married, and she talks to me a little now.  Before she was so adamant to not allow me to help her she would change her own flat tires, something she would never have done before.  ( I wondered, how does she get all these flat tires.  Along with totaling a car)

    I think I tend to journal to let the emotions out.  And I bet you see what i am showing, frustration at times.  But I soon get back to where I think I should be, in peace.

    I am grateful you are replying to all of our entries.  Keep it up.  

    Our electricity is flashing, so I better get off the site.  I didn't  respond really the way zi wanted to, but, just know I appreciate all you and everyone says.

    Tessy, our spouses sure seem to be able to act like they don't feel those coals, but they certainly do, don't they?  if not right now, they will soon enough. God's timing.

  • I've come to realize that ANYTHING we say makes our spouse look bad. Simply saying "I stand for marriage" implies that they don't and places blame square on their shoulders. The absolute best thing to do is keep our mouths shut and keep everything between us and God. And maybe a therapist.

    I continue to stand for marriage even though the world is trying to beat me down. Possible jail time for it? First century apostles stood for something that often got them put in jail. We have to do what is right even when the world says its wrong.

    I've learned the hard way that when you try to take control it ends in disaster. Our own desire gets in the way too often.

    A truly cold person goes to sleep when their spouse needs to go to the hospital. That's who. But our spouses are in a very dark place. And these relationships are so toxic, mainly for us. They think its bad for them but I bet they wouldn't want to trade us places. They would feel a new level of heartache.

    My flesh screams "Get out." I fight with folded hands as much as possible. I do get to the point where I feel like I need to be done with her because she is just trying to destroy me. But I know what the Bible says and I know what is right. So I continue to press on in silence waiting for God in all His glory to take over.

    Six years is a long time to be in a mental state like that. I don't see how she does it. I pray for you a lot but I really need to pray for her. Poor girl. If she only knew the love of God.

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