Collaborate without boundaries

a brother's friend

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My brother told me his friend, who I have met several times, had his wife basically separate from him, although they are under the same roof.  My brother was asked by his friend to reveal this  to no one.  I told my brother the best thing he can do is give her space.  

My dilemma is, I want to tell him about the LD, but how do you do this by not revealing my own marital problems.  I am a very private person and don't like to reveal these types of things and  also want to protect my wife from revealing she had asked for a d.

so, if I bring up the LD to him, I have broken the trust he has in by brother, and I have also revealed our marital problems to my brother more so than he may know and  to someone else.  I realize God can work in a marriage many ways other than the LD.  It's just heart breaking how many marriages you hear of that are in trouble.  Evil sure has its grip on marriage and family.

For mother's day, she was rude, more so than usual.  She thinks  she had  a right to  be so.  She said I was rude yesterday.  I wasn't.  I may have been a little guarded since  she was biting on me a bit.  I  arranged for the family to take  her out Saturday.  She saw me get upset with one of the kids and  I think I was justified in being upset with him. so, she said that going out Saturday night was off since I was overreacting to our kid. Then I arranged going out for lunch on Sunday.  she said no.  So I took the kids  out for lunch after church. She stopped going after never missing Mass all her life.   I asked one  of the kids to text her to see if she wanted us to bring her back some food.  She text back, hold on, I will meet you guys.  So, we put our order on hold and waited for her.  She gives attitude to me there.  Not  as bad as the first few years but she's  showing me she's in control,  or thinks she is.

Then she goes to the store to get ingredients to make a dish.  She then calls me to have  me meet her at the store to pick up the groceries so I can take them home and also do the cooking. but she has no time to pick up some lunch meat for me while she's shopping,  since it is for me I am sure.   She has me do the picking  up the groceries and cooking so she can go out with one of the kids.  At least she's  going out with one of the kids, not one of her buddies, whoever they are.

I see her so little on Sunday I couldn't even say happy mother's day.  So, before I went to sleep I put her gift on her pillow. Who knows where she was.   She did open it,  where in the first few years it would have remained unopened for days or weeks.  

The flesh is  always saying  tell her it's been long enough.  And to not d, but maybe it's time to separate if she's going to  keep treating me this way and  go out frequently till  all hours.  But, what choice do I have?  None if I am to follow Christ.  Because of the covenant, and we can always forgive anything, and we are to love unconditionally.

It's now been at least 6 yrs since she decided in her mind we are d.  5.5 years since she asked for a legal separation/d.  I can still remember how she emphasized a  LEGAL separation, not just a separation.  Not sure why.  Maybe so I would still have to support her financially.  I guess it really doesn't matter.

But so often, it feels  so close to getting back to normal.  Even though we never do anything together, other than sit down randomly at the same time and  she responds  to  a few of my questions.  but if I make a  statement,  she almost always gives an alternate view.  I could say the  neighbor  is  using our front lawn to park his car.  And she'd say, well, we aren't using our front yard and  maybe his driveway was blocked.  

Keep believing the  best and remember no snooping.  I have so often began thinking the worse, yet, been shown I was wrong.  LIke  this weekend, asking one of the kids for help outside. She said he'd be out in a minute.  About 15 minutes later he's still not out.  I ask her why he isn't out yet, since I assume she's holding him up to get at me, and she says he  was playing around instead of going.  and she told him to go out to help me.  I was sure she kept  him busy to irritate me.  She may still have done so and lied about him  goofing around.  but I have to believe  the best. 



  • Evil has a commanding grip on marriages. I have said in the last year that I believe the devil has his eyes set on destroying families because that is the foundation of everything. Destroy the family- destroy the faith. My kids, for example, have no faith in God because their family has been destroyed. Now I have to be the one to restore that for them. Its a monumental task. One that I do not want but I don't have a choice.

    I would have a hard time deciding what to do in the case of your brother's friend. I wouldn't be able to betray that trust. I think I would suggest that your brother bring up the Love Dare with his friend and leave your name completely out of it.

    I don't envy your situation at all. I know how rough it is. To keep being trampled on yet still maintaining your faith. Its a difficult path to follow. I know that you know what is right because you tell me all the time but I understand when you say "maybe its time to separate." The relationship just gets so toxic and with only one person "doing the right thing" makes it worse. I would say stick in there and keep standing for marriage. Let her be responsible for its destruction but I know that is easier said than done. The flesh is very powerful.

    Getting back to normal!!! I feel that way sometimes too. She does things that seem nice, that seems normal. But I can say with 100% accuracy that things will never be normal as in how we think it should be. There will have to be a new "normal" set. The things that have transpired between us and our spouses are life altering. We have to find a new way to coexist with each other.

    Believe the best. I struggle with that. My wife buying me things and telling me happy birthday when it appears that she hates me. It's so confusing but I have to assume that she knows right from wrong and even with all the lies she's spewed forth in the last year somewhere deep inside of her she still loves me and knows she is wrong. I just have to believe that she will come around. Six years is a long long time to goo through this. Your patience is worth emulating. I hope I can.

  • Amen, Eddie. I didn't know you have been in this 6years. To keep hoping in God is a wonderful thing to see worked out in you. God is faithful to those who lean into him in all things.

  • Getting to a "new Normal" is only hard if you do it, when God does it is perfect and a joy to watch.

  • Totally agree Josh. God can make everything perfect. But if that other person is hell bent on following their own will instead of that of God its going to be a rough ride.

  • The World has more people in it that are not true Christians than those that are.  The world has changed.  Women don't feel the need to stay in an unhappy marriage, the world supports that.  Men will endure, women don't.  You need to show her a man that reflects Christ, is in control of himself and his emotions and is strong emotionally and physically.  She needs to find you attractive again.  

    If you continue "fighting" the wrong way you only push her away.  I wish you the best of luck.

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