Collaborate without boundaries

nearly 5 years

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It's now nearly 5 years since in her head she considered us divorced.  And 4.5 years since she told me she wanted a legal separation/d.  Man, those first months/year(s) were just brutal.  You guys and gals know what that feels like.  But what a journey.  It took months/years for me to get where all of you got in days, weeks or a month.  Better to learn slowly than not at all I guess.  But I sure could have lessened the pain and wallowing in the pit of despair for so long if I would have just put Christ first so much sooner.

She got me a dollar store bag of candy for Easter.  She picked it up with the kids Easter presents, so no effort.  But I think the second or third present I have gotten in the last 5 years.  And she actually opened mine within hours of me giving it to her.  Most of you all know the drill.  Give a present, and then it just sits there, never touched for a long period of time.  

She listens for the most part when I let her know what's going on.  Not actively listening, but gives a nod or says hmmm.  She still will talk to a kid when I am in the middle of explaining something necessary to her.  One of the kids has told her twice now how she is being rude to me when she does that.  But she has even consulted with me in a few things that are taking place.  She even said thanks one time when I helped her ouit.

I am not biting my tongue as hard as I did in the past.  Such as one day she was rushing through the house.  I was in the kids doorway talking to them.  She needed in and just motioned for me to move.  So I stepped in the hallway to give her room.  Then she gets frustrated and say as he wants to rush down the hallway that I am always in the way.  I should have bit my tongue.  but I said, if I do anything, even sneeze, I am doing something wrong.  Later we were all in a rush to go to my mom's for Easter and I helped her finish up a dish she was making.  We were amicable then.  Like she purposely lightened up after the hallway incident.

But, I no longer feel those shards of glass cutting me up like it use to feel like the first few years.  She took last week off and stayed home most days and nights.  Surprisingly.  I know, do not expect the worse.  She even came home about 1030 pm Easter night. So maybe she did go to her parents house.   the 5 or 6 nights a week out till 430 am when she had to be up two hours later dont really happen during the week at least.  So, maybe she actually did go to her parents house.  I know, love believes the best.

I've tried a time or two making a move to be intimate.  And Sunny, I have not gotten much better with my advances.  (I think you told me I needed to work on my technique.  LOL)  I still wonder if the opportunity comes to be intimate, if I should hold off and not be completely intimate, until i know she didn't catch an STD.  I still dont know if she ever had physical affair(s).  And I am sure if I stop and she asks why i am not continuing, she will be really upset if I tell her why.  There are things that suggest she may have, but much points that she didn't ever have a physical affair.

She has left her phone visible a few times as of late.  She let me take her car for a short errand and didn't seem concerned like I may find some sort of evidence of what she is up to.

She is being a little more involved in family functions.  I am surprised my family is being kind to her.  two of them have seen her in her car with a guy.  And family friends have mentioned things to them as well.

I haven't maybe in a year told her I love her.  I did for awhile, off and on, about once a week.  But she would always get mad and ask why.  no matter what I said, it was not a good answer for her.  So, about once a week now, usually like a friday night, i will give her a quick hug or kiss, and say, in case I don't see you for a while.  (not in a way to indicate that i know she will be out for a long time)  She kind of accepts the hug or kiss.  

She doesn't dress so flirtatious any longer.  

Well, wasn't planning on journaling, but did anyway.  I will say, at times, the thing that keeps me going when the flesh builds up, is thinking of the past and the present people that are standing in much tougher situations.  

We have people standing and willing to stand after a d, people that have stood even after the spouse had a child or more with the other person.  So if all you can keep in God, and stand, I have no excuse as much as I would like one.  So thanks all.

I did not proof.  Somehow sometimes my sentences and paragraphs jump around and rearrange themselves.  So, hopefull this isn't to hard to read.

may God's peace be with all of you.  And may we all not only trust, but know God has a divine providence for each of us.  Faith and hope.  Be still....He is right there for you and me.

  • WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW....First and foremost PRAISE GOD for all of these little victories.  There is so much improvement in you and your spouses behavior that it is truly amazing to hear at how much has changed in the last few years.

    * Her speaking to you at all and not spewing venom is a tremendous improvement over what it has been in the past.

    * Leaving her phone out and not trying to hide it all of the time

    * Cooking WITH you!!!!!!!!!!!!

    * She thought of you enough to get you a unseemingly simple, tiny, Easter basket, which is something she would not have done in the past.

    * You drover HER vehicle, the one place that was private to her in whatever she was doing in the past.

    * She stayed home while on her vacation.

    * She was home before midnight!

    * She changed the way she dresses when she leaves the house.

    * Hug and cheek kisses in the morning.

    As far as the intimacy part goes, if and when it gets that far...protect yourself until you have had the chance to talk to her openly and honestly about what concerns you have.  You have legitimate concerns because you just don't know what went on.

    Maybe there is something you can do differently when she does disrespect you in front of the children, I don't know what it is because so much of the world demands that respect in our own homes but then it is also a pride issue.  Then again, there is a huge difference in forgiveness and love VS letting them walk all over us. Pray for guidance in that area because I don't have an answer for that right now.  I just know it's difficult when one party doesn't want to have a civilized discussion.

    It's ok to journal.  We like it and it gives us an opportunity to hold you up in prayer as you let us in instead of trying to be the pillar of this community.

    We all love you.

  • My dear brother Tim.  Thank God for so

    Many changes even if they are small.  Like I always say, you have the patience of Job.  I agree with Sunny about the disrespect in front of the children.  As for as intimacy, I understand your concern.  That is going to be a tough one but pray to God and ask him which way to proceed.  Love and peace to you.

  • Thank you both.  I have been realizing and thanking HIim for how much better it is now.  Even though many couples would still d at the point we are at now.  

    What concerns me still is how much easier it is to pray hard when things are so, so difficult.  We can pray with such an intensity.  

    But, when we find comfort in Christ, and then when the spouse eases up on the venom, I find myself still praying, but I can't find the intensity in praise for all the changes like I had before.

    Maybe the prayer is intense like before, but with the hurt not there like it was, it just feels different.  I don't know.  I just don't want to ease up in prayer life and get to the point of being like, Thanks God, see you next time I have a problem.  

  • One thing that gets to me is how you all are kind in your responses, yet I always feel like I am throwing daggers at the already wounded in my responses.  So, please don't take anything I say as me trying to be hurtful or just negative.  

    No matter what, anyone who stands, and is willing to be truthful in journaling, is courageous in Christ.  Maybe we start with the intentions of making things better for us so we don't feel pain, but when we stay on the course, it is for God first.  

  • I am grinning right now, Tim!  Thank you for sharing!  I haven't been on this journey as long as you have, nor do I know many of you as long as some seem to know one another, but you have been a pillar in this blog!  

    I find myself desiring miracles for you and everyone else as deeply as I desire my own.

    I see God at work in your wife.  Isn't it a beautiful thing to see God softening a hard heart?

    Crazy that you mentioned what you did in the last words of this journal in answer to comments.  I have been praying about that very thing...always getting complacent when things are going smoothly until I screw something up and go running back to God to 'fix' it for me.  I've been praying and asking God to show me what I need to do to guard against ever going back to that pattern of behavior again.  I never want to be that woman again.  I ask Him every day to search my heart and show me before I get too far off track if I'm headed in that direction at any time.

    I am joyful for you, Tim!  Keep pressing on for the mark of the high call of God in Christ Jesus!  Run!  Run!  Run! that race to win!  

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