Collaborate without boundaries

when things get more comfortable

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For I think 4 weeks now she has continued to stay home other than Friday and Saturday nights.  I would have figured by now she couldn't take staying home so much.  She and one of he daughters have been watching a few movies together.

I for the fist time ever, other than the first many months of her disappearing for days on end, have been cooking meals.  Lost my thought, not sure what my point was going to be about that.  LOL.

The  other night she had problems ordering something on line.  she asked for help.  Man, for so long she would have turned the earth over before asking for my help.  She was frustrated, and before I would have been irritated she couldn't do something simple on her own and then upset she takes so long to click the buttons  I ask her  to to resolve the problem.  I stayed calm, so did she.  She said thanks twice when we were done.  Thanks is a word she does not like to say to me.

she then left, and i said to bad you are going out to eat, supper was really good tonight.  I said it light heartedly and with a smile to my tone.  Before the dares, nothing i said was light hearted.  She replied, she wasn't going out to eat.  ( she came back with Christmas gifts)

 

but this is where in the beginning most of us say we will never take control again, will always be able to bite our tongue, if God changes things, I will never go back to the old me.  

And how when things seem to be calming down in this trial, it is the flesh that so easily creeps back in.  It becomes a dangerous time I have always felt.

She had a Christmas exchange at work.  Someone gave her an electric can opener.  I saw it and made a frustrated or surprised face.  She gave me a dirty look and said something rude.  I told her she has to stop saying these things.  She came back and said, you gave me a dirty look.  I said no, I was surprised to see the opener, because I had  just bought you the very same one as a Christmas present.  (i know, not a fun present to open.  I got her a TV she has been mentioning for a few years she has wanted.)

A few days ago, she asked me to clean up some things in the  living room.  She then asked me to pick up a pizza for supper.  (Even though I had cooked)  She then called the restaurant where she evidently was promised a free pizza for a previous mishap at the restaurant.  So, while she was on the phone, I was in and out of the room cleaning up and taking care of the things she wanted me to do.  When she hung up she was all upset thinking I was tip toeing around her spying on what she was saying on the phone.  I told her she has to just stop, to stop saying these things, that it was not  true at all and I was only doing what  she asked.  I then went to get a pizza, even though she said forget getting one.  I even bought a side of sauce which I knew would go to waste, but know she always wants it.  A little later she remained calm and when she was in the fridge, she offered me a pop.  That surprised me.  Maybe her way of making up for overreacting.  If so, it's a new step offering amends like that.

Last night, she had a message for me from someone from church asking  if our kids could serve at one of the Christmas masses.  I wanted to raise my voice and say, why would you wait till ten at night to tell m?.  Then we tried figuring out what mass we should go to out of the 4 times we could go.  She was saying some of the kids could go to one time, and the rest of us could go to another time.  I didn't bite my tongue and said, for Christmas, we will all go to one mass as a family, why should you choose how we go when you don't go to church any more?  

So, if you are having a hard time biting your tongue and showing patience, really, really get good at it.  Because when things get better, it will be really hard, to bite your  tongue, and then the spouse may think, huh,she gives in a little and then he starts going back to his old ways, and I knew all this time it was a fake change in him.  He is the same old person.  

Last night she wouldnt say good night back to me after I got irritated about wanting all the family together at Christmas mass.  That's ok, it didn't get to me, but the moment we slip, they slip farther.  

I am not patting myself on the back at all, but I was up till a week or  two ago, really, really good about biting my tongue, something i was horrible at before the dares.  I was surprised how it became automatic.  Even in the harshest times.  But I am now seeing where i am falling to the dangersous time, when the spouse lets up on some of the tension.  

It can be a combination of the flesh creeping in, the world's ways surfacing, and evil's influence because it wants to destroy the possibility of a marriage reconciling.

May Christ's peace be with you all. 

  • It sounds like you are good and then struggle with the urge to say something and then bite your tongue.  This would be my biggest worry for me.  My wife's self esteem got hurt by me not biting my tongue.  Also by not saying the things I felt, I didn't speak her love language.

    I have not been tested.  So how much have I really changed?  My worries.  But the Love Dares have taught me a lot, plan on buying the devotional and starting it on Jan 1st.  Not for her, but for me.  I want to make sure my changes are permanent.

    Good luck.  Little cracks in her armor, door opening, praying for you.

  • praise God for the little openings God created between you and your wife. :)

    I also have to remind myself to bite my tongue especially when things are getting OK.

    Let us continue to pray for us to become masters.in biting our tongues and being patient.

  • Tim, I am happy to hear she is softening.  You have been so patient for so long.  I don't think you were wrong to say that you should go to church as a family on Christmas.  That was a strong position for the head of the household to take.  But the comment about her not going to church, that could have been left out.  You have stayed faithful and now it seems that things are finialy coming around.  Prayers to you.

  • You are so right...it is a dangerous time and so easy to hold back the flesh.

    Thanks for the reminder

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