Collaborate without boundaries

not to bad again

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I was sick Sunday and Monday.  She saw me walk through the kitchen looking like I was near death.  I was looking for no attention or help or sympathy.  For the last few years, as I have mentioned, I have had to go to the emergency room for a severed finger (healed nicely), a possible heart attack (pulled muscles in the chest wall they said that mimics a heart attack), thought I needed emergency abdominal surgery (was just a kidney stone).  She showed no concern in these and other potentially major freak health concerns.  So, with a stomach and chills and headache, I expected nothing for sure.  (Have no expectations, good or bad)  But she actually asked if I took any aspirin.  It was nice to be asked.  I better pause a moment to thank God or that nice moment if I didn't then.

Then Monday the girls went on a major excursion, an all day thing she was pretty nervous about.  She voiced her concerns to me.  And while I was home sick, she called and text me from time to time wondering if I had heard from the girls.  ( I immediately reported everything I found out asap, to be kind to her)

Then I did go to work today, tuesday.  When I got home.  she actually talked sort of casually to me.  I didn't show it, but it was actually a shocking feeling.  She only talked about what the girls had told her in what went on.  Then, she starts flapping her arms and telling me to move, that I am blocking her path.  LOL.

I then know we need cat food for the cat she wanted and no one else did.  I take care of feeding the cat.  It was getting fat fast.  Another decent conversation, about needing anything at the store.  She said let the child I was picking up choose some ice cream.  And she actually explained why.  (hasn't explained things to me in so long it felt a bit odd.)  I got home and let her know that we got pistachio ice cream (I wasn't looking for a reaction.  But before the LD I would have had no clue she liked this flavor)  We sat down and ate at the same time (something she rarely will do)  And she responded to a couple of my questions or comments with a nod or a few words.  (Then I realized, do not push her to where I want her just because her guard is momentarily slipped a tiny bit.  

If memory serves correctly, she has only gone out two nights since over a week ago.  A world record.  at one point during the texting of the girls travels she had some good news she text me (never before that i recall she shared any good news with me)  I replied thank goodness we will all be home soon.  She actually replied back wondering what I meant.  (before she really wouldn't have cared what I thought.  I was trying to share God by saying thank Goodness, but didn't want to push it to much.  Earlier when I talked to her and she was nervous about the girls as we were hanging up, i said we'll just say a prayer for them.  (no reaction, but trying to incorporate a little of what we learn in the dares.

So, I find myself quickly forgetting what I say sometimes, IN that when it feels things may be getting better we can start taking control without realizing it.  So, i realize I slipped up a bit not having complete patience.  When I got home from work, i asked her, so what happened yesterday, since I was asleep after she they got home and hadn't heard all the details yet.  (I offered to pick them up or for both of us to.  She said she would go, meaning just her.)    She said what do you mean.  I really wasn't impatient I don't think, but before I would have said I meant what happened with the girls all day yesterday.  This time I just gave her a look like, really, you don't know?

Wnen i got home she had on the oldest rattiest most comfortable looking sweatshirt and pajama pants on.  I asked if she felt ok.  She explained again something else, that she just wanted to get comfottable and get some work done around the house.  Mind you, when she is home, she spends most of the time watching tv, sitting on the couch.  And that's what she has been doing all night.  But that's ok.  It sure beats not knowing where she is or who she is with.

I am not assuming this is a step in the right direction.  it certainly is nothing like some of you have had with the spouse saying or asking questions about working it out.  But i am certain, if I took any more control of this trial like the world says, a few friends that found out said, and at times I have heard on this site, and no, anyone reading this, I am not talking about any of you, we would never have gotten even to this point.  Thank God he made me so weak I was forced to leave it all in His hands.  

  • This post made me smile....Praying that things continue to get better.  You are a strong person and I always look forward to reading your posts and your comments, you have been trhu so much and it can only get better from here..

  • Who would've thought "not too bad again" would mean so much.  Great read!  

  • Amen Brother!  Praise God for these moments.

  • Praise The Lord!  You are doing what God has called you to do.  Prayers and Blessing.

  • This made me smile, too!  You are right to leave it in God's hands.  So if you force your spouse to do the things you want them to do FOR YOU and to be the person YOU want them to be because YOU deserve for them to be that way, what have you gained?  Nothing but anger - because now they are only doing it because YOU made them and not because THEY want to.  Now you are mad about that.  There is no hope down that road.  The only way is to be patient until they get to a point within themselves that they make those decisions themselves and it is genuine.  Only then is there hope for the marriage.  I have told people over and over that I can't behave in certain ways JUST to make him respond in certain ways.  I have to be genuine and not just acting.  It took months and months to slowly get to a point where my feelings weren't so raw that I was able to see, think, and feel clearly enough to make changes purely for me and not as a means of getting to him somehow. There is a tremendous amount of peace in not analyzing or second guessing my every move because there is no motive behind each move.  It is just me being me.  You are still such an example and inspiration to me!  

  • Thanks all.

  • Thank you for sharing, Tim!  Your example is encouraging.  I must learn to just let God do what He wants with my husband.  Years and years of getting angry when my expectations aren't met are a hard habit to break, but I will not give up.  Thank you for the example you have set!  

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