Collaborate without boundaries

snooping and hearing

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How I probably sound like a sound track to some of you, same old answers.....dont snoop, love unconditional, forgive, be kind.  Real eye openers, (sarcasm, LOL).  So, I deserve a smack or two.

Went in the bathroom she had her makeup bad open.  a place she use to hide things from me.  Yep, before this site I knew all her hiding places.  But, the make up bag was so wide open, and papers folded in half.  A tell tale sign of her secret phone numbers.  The guys list.  Oops I pushed one paper open.  She got a new phone, and ta da, it was a list of numbers, her girlfriend, mine, the kids, and his.  And others.  

i thought, this is it.   the day i say she has to move out.  It has been 4 years to about the day she hit me with the d/seperation.    So, I snooped.  I didn't dig and go hunting down anything, but i saw the papers, and just had to push one aside to see.

I was not thrown in the pit of despair.  I knew I was fine.  I knew......all the things we get told about, comfort, peace, all that good stuff.  But the delemma.  I have to confront her.  i have to at this point tell her she needs to leave the house unless she cuts him off now.   

Yet, the wrestling some of you talk about.  I knew she was going to come home any moment from picking up a kid.  And I am thinking I bust my back fixing her car,  I mean our car she drives, I grocery shop, i do some laundry, I do and do.  She goes out and out some more.  And I think, kick her out.  After nearly five years of minimally emotionally cheating on me, it is time.

So, i pray, nothing comes.  I pray, nothing comes.  I then remember, who knows, about  a year ago hearing Him say, Let  me handle that, when I asked should I be doing something if she is still with him.  So, I think, is that the answer He already supplied to this delemma?  It fit, exactly, more than these words will describe.  So, I think, peace, let him deal with it.  And peace is there.  I finish her car, it runs, the lights work, it starts, it accelerates.  

And I think, do I confront.  And i get I think, let it go.  I will pray more on it.  but the thought comes up that many years ago.  I heard I gave, will you?  no doubt they were like someone was in the church speaking as i contemplated how much he gave on that crucifix.  more than I could comprehend.

And I think, man, i have given, so much, what more can I do?  I can't give any more.

And i think, yep, some of the same sins I had given up have crept back in.  Not pornography, but things I can't seem to shake long term, such as talking bad about a coworker that has stolen from me and bashed me in to others, etc.   And i think, Sean pointed out something basically in my prayer life must be lacking.  And I know, it is true.  I pray every morning.  But it seems like even though I wake up so much earlier that i did before this journey, I find myself with less time that I should have to pray, and i was reading a chapter every weekday at lunch, but lunches lately have been so odd, and interupted, that I have not been reading much.  

So, I look at my faultering journey in Christ.  And think, well, if he sticks by my side with all my fleshy faults.  Why can't i for her.

I will say, she has been better.  She left for a weekend getaway with her girlfriend.  She assumed, just before leaving, that i was going to kiss her as i walked toward her.  It is the first time she has turned toward me to give me a kiss.  Maybe only because she assumed i was going to give her one.  and when she returned.  i went to give her a hug.  she assumed a kiss, and kind of reached up, so after the hug I gave her a kiss.  i usually attempt a kiss maybe once every two weeks or so.  and those kissed I have to walk around her because she always has her back to me.  And then I get to kiss her on the side, not straight on.  

I so thought I was going to telll her to move out, how she has abandoned the kids, and now that she taks them out to eat now and then, does not mean she isn't still abandoning them.  It is amazing though, through all of this, they have shown no negative reactions or acting out or anything.  They have said in the beginning and even now, mom does not act right.

i have no clue if what i typed is making sense of is fluid enough to be able to figure out what i mean.  But, it is what it is, as usual, no proof reading.

Peace ot all of you.  I can not explain the peace and joy I feel even though I am tired.

 

Sorry I am just wiped out and not able to resond to the journals.  Help each other out like you do.  My computer at work is so bad, but i have been promised a better one soon.  And home is so busy, so I hope to be able to comment when i can.  

And I see how you guys are encouranging and lift each other up.  I see all the good all of you are doing, but to limit my time on here, I typically sound like I am beinhg harsh.  please do not take it that way. 

  • It's funny, she just yelled downstairs to me, Tim, is my car fixed?  huh, I think the first time she has said my name in this trial.  It sounded....odd?  Good to hear?

  • I don't know how you've made it this far.  I cannot remember but were papers ever filed?  Listen to God.  Even though I want to give up and I want to move on, God speaks to me and tells me not to.

    So His Will in your life is what you need to pray for, what you need to follow.  Be still and listen for His wisdom.  Then do as He commands.

  • So you stayed still right? I am happy you were able to stay still and let her be. ;) I wonder if I can manage to be like that when put in the same situation. *sigh* I am proud of how strong you have become. ;)

    Same thing you always say to me and to others: Continue praying. She will eventually come around. The fact that she is showing affection such as kissing meant she softened up. right? hehe. God bless you more, Tim

  • Tim, again, I admire your endurance, and it is such a testimony to me.  Two things occur to me - one is what you said about your children.  Why do you think they are doing so well?  It is your steadfast example.  When you are gone, they will still carry on the lessons you are teaching them everyday.  Too many people in bad marital situations do not put their children anywhere near the top of the priority list.  Be proud that you are.  Secondly, when it is time to quit, you will have absolutely no desire to confront her about anything.  You will just be done and at peace with it.  There will be a complete break that is recognizable for what it is.  You did the right thing.  Be at peace with it.

  • Snaz, no she never filed.  She called two lawyers that i know of.  She looked up on line with me in the house how to file.  She got so frustrated looking up how to file she left the house.  She found the taxes I  had filed and gave the lawyer some wrong numbers off of the tax forms.  The numbers were very low, not the right numbers at all.  the lawyer probably said do not file, you guys can't even maintain one household on those numbers.  She pulled the numbers off of the wrong line items on the 1040 if I remember right.  Kind of funny.  Must have been God's protection.

    Princess, I had to read a few times about staying still, right?  I though you meant I still stayed home instead of storming out.  LOL.  Yes, it is funny how it is so hard to remember all the things we all learn on this site in the heat of the moment.  Yes, the kiss was a nice change.  And appreciative.  Before I would have found peace in just that, not God.

    lynn, I was thinking of you, Par, Princess, snaz, mdarby, and everyone esle on this site and how you all are in the deeper hurt of this journey than I am, and how you all are not giving in and relying on God.  Testimony.  something the sisters at school taught, but it never meant much to me before.  Our kids are good kids, yes, but really, they are pretty independent of me and her.   They self manage pretty well.  i do not know if there will ever be a time to quit.  It is between her and God.  as long as I can control the emotions and lead my heart.  The smoother things get sometimes, the harder that is strangely.  

    Thanks all and peace be with you.

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