Collaborate without boundaries

Being hopeful Day 6

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Todays dare has been a challenge for me everyday, the dare which many of you have done once or more is "Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.  Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.  Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."

 

My struggle is mainly me and maybe it is because I am going about the dare myself for my relationship more and not only with God.  I am struggling to find the light with my personal situation which is currently still in house separation, my wife and two children are about to leave for some time due to my lack interest in my wife/marriage due to my selfish needs.  I have told her how I felt and we have talked but she doesn't know what she wants and I am praying that god will fill her heart with forgiveness for me and to work on our marriage. the hardest things is the fact that I believe she doesn't know what she wants and I do understand her stance but she is making me confused. She has told me she loved me and told me I could sleep in the bed with her and our children since the kids are leaving.  I don't know how to take this as in if she want us to work or just allowing me to be sleeping next to our kids.  either way I am glad that she told me she loves me and that I had the opportunity to sleep next to our children.  it was nice but I am lost and I am at the end of my personal rope with things.  I have asked God for forgiveness and that I am unable to bear the weight of my burdens even though I deserve the suffering and pain that I have caused.  I just hope that I can continuing my faith and learn more every day.  It is hard to look at the positives things even the great ones and not react irritated and frustrated even though I am lost.  Thanks.

  • Hey Derek,

    I totally understand where you are at.  For me the quilt of breaking up the family and for my sins was overwhelming.  I needed to fix this partly because I broke it, and if I could make it all better then I wouldn't feel so bad.  I also could not handle it any more, I became depressed (severely) couldn't do my work, started drinking (I am an alcoholic) and self destructive behaviors.  That is where God needed me to be to turn to him.  If we could fix things, and handle everything then we would not need God.  Stay the course.

  • One of the best things I've learned from God through this is once He has forgiven me, I must forgive myself.  When Jesus told us if we refuse to forgive someone, He won't forgive us, He meant ourselves as well.  When the enemy starts to bring up to me my past mistakes that helped destroy my marriage,  I whisper over and over, "I forgive myself.  I forgive myself."  I have rested in the fact that God has forgiven me...forgiving myself has taken a bit longer, but it's lack of faith in Who God says He is and what He says He will do when we don't forgive ourselves as well.  When God says it's forgiven and forgotten, He has the final word and we have no right to think we are too bad and what we've done is too serious for Him to truly forgive.  If you've repented, trust God to know you are forgiven and move on.  There is great freedom in realizing what is past is forgiven and forgotten, and God begin His new work in us.

  • Some people don't internalize things so they don't feel gui8lt over things they move on.  Some of us dwell on our hurts and hangups and this can lead to other habits such as drinking or drugs.  I never went that route but I dwelt on the past, on all my mistakes, the woulda shoulda coulda.....  

    Guess what!  You cannot change the past.  Don't dwell on your rear view mirror when you have that big windshield to look out of.  Learn from your mistakes, ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, let go of the guilt.  Just make sure you won't repeat your mistakes, grow from them.  especially through Christ and the Word.  

    If you have a Celebrate Recovery in a church neat you, please take time to check it out.

  • She will be up and down on a roller coaster, showing you a hint of kindness, then reaffirming in her words and actions she doesn't know what she wants.  She, even if she wanted to come  back to trying right now, would have a very hard time letting her wall down.  She will for a period of time have to show she isn't caving in.  She feels she needs to justify her actions, thus once she says or does something nice, she will come back in a harsher way to prove to you and herself she didn't give in.

  • Really try to remember this is a journey between you and Christ and not her, where she is being used to mold you.  We all start out this journey trying to save the marriage, which is good, but we find out we can not save it.  ONly Christ can.  So, we do the dares the best we can and in turn become molded more like Christ, and this opens the door a little more for God to work in her.  

    When you stop looking for changes in her or having any expectations in her, the ups and downs of this trial will be easier to handle.  

  • What also makes it easier to handle and if haven't yet, put God way above her.  Meaning do not put your marriage or her above God.  but do not love her less.  

    Do not think about deserving the suffering.  If we all chose to look at it that way none of us would have a chance.  Others hit on it well.  But you need to accept Christ's forgiveness.  If you do not you are putting yourself above Christ.  Don't do that.  

    Seek Christ's peace that you long for.  When you put God above her, all your hurt, your problems, your kids, your acoholism,  and anything else that burdens you, His peace will be there.  And you can experience joy in this trial.  

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