Day 5 - Love is Not Rude

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

Note: This Dare was completed on Monday, April 30^th, 2012.

This dare was at first slightly difficult to accomplish. I've asked my fiancé this question in the past (the first attempt at "The Love Dare") and he kept saying, "There's nothing I want you to change." I tried to press and come up with ideas to help him think, but he just became frustrated and it turned into an argument.

This time around, I had a feeling that it was going to take some effort, but I felt as though I could go about in a nicer way. Earlier that day, I asked him if he could think of a few things that he wished I would do differently; something that makes him uncomfortable or irritated. I assured him that regardless of his answer, I had no ulterior motive, other than to better myself in this relationship. I told him that I was not going to react negatively or be upset with what he said. He told me he'd think about it.

Fast forward to the evening, I asked him again, via text, if he could think of a few things and perhaps have them ready when I called in a little bit; he said okay but wanted to know why. Once again, I assured him that it was not for anything bad and that it is important to me. I told him that I would tell him in good time, but for now, I am not ready to tell him; he respected that.

Later, when I called, we chatted for a little bit and then I asked him the question a final time. He once again said that he couldn't think of anything. I could sense that he maybe wanted to say something but was afraid of my reaction. I tried to assure him as calmly and nicely as possible that I was not going to be upset with his answer; regardless of what he told me. I told him that I'm always voicing my concerns or irritations (more often that I should) and that he should feel comfortable voicing his. I told him that I loved him and that I want to improve upon the things that irritate him. I also told him that this was part of communicating effectively as a couple. If we cannot tell each other the things that upset us, then how can we expect to grow?

He finally came around and very, very slowly started saying a few things here and there. After testing the waters, it became evident that he was much more comfortable expressing his irritations (and he did so in a very loving and gentle way - just like him). It actually turned out to be a very wonderful conversation that I believed help us grow closer.

The following items are a list of things that make him either uncomfortable and/or irritated:

• I'm a little too possessive in the sense that I do not respect the fact that he needs alone time to think. I don't crave alone time and could be with him 24/, so it is difficult for me to understand and respect that he needs time to himself. I also make him feel as though wanting/needing alone time is bad.

• I can be a nag sometimes. When it comes to basic things (brush your teeth, do your homework, clean, etc. = elementary things) I tend to "remind" him quite often. He clarified that he does not want me to stop doing this (because his memory is horrible) but that he would appreciate it if I would cut back and perhaps time my "lectures" better (not right before school, work, etc.).

• He feels like I do not want to be intimate with him enough. He feels as though when he wants to be intimate, I don't want to, and when I want to be intimate, he doesn't want to. This is actually quite interesting, because I have the same feelings (like he does not have a strong enough drive). What we realized after talking last night is that my "subtle" cues (which I think are obvious) go right over his head. So while I may actually be in the mood the same time he is, he doesn't realize it because I am not communicating clear enough. We addressed this issue and realized that we need to be more open and not so "subtle" with each other.

• I hate to admit this, but during the times that our relationship was not very solid, there were occasions where I perused Craigslist for people I could talk to (completely low and pathetic, I know - but I feel as though I need to come clean). It was nothing disgusting like "casual encounters" or anything like that, but mainly a male friend who I could talk to. My life truly revolves around David (and I LOVE that) but since I do not have a ton of close female friends, I crave that attention to at least talk to someone. Unfortunately, some flirting occurred (which I have been 100% honest with David about) but nothing physical whatsoever. REGARDLESS, he absolutely hates when I do this (did this) and it hurts him tremendously. Since the last "episode," I told him that I would never do that again; and to be quite honest, since I've started "The Love Dare" I have not even had the desire. I am so focused on my fiancé, bettering our relationship, and bringing he and I closer to God, that the other selfishness has dissipated.

• Although the book said to only pick three, I wanted to include everything he said. He very rarely opens up that much when it comes to talking about things that are "uncomfortable". The last thing he said is that he hates when I drink. I eventually want to stop drinking as well, and know that it is horrible for you (binge drinking), but it's a way that I cope with things (stress, depression, etc.). And to be honest, it's also a way to escape. I know he does not want me drinking, and I do not want to drink either. I know when I have kids, I will not have any of that stuff in the house and to be even more honest, it's against my religion (which I am struggling with - but feel as though taking "The Love Dare" is a great way back onto that path of righteousness; which I do crave and ultimately want).

I plan on discussing the aforementioned areas needing improvement later, but would like to post this journal before it gets too late. I am starting to feel ill, but will work on my improvement plan soon. Stay tuned for an update!