Today was day 19 and it was all about reflection. I already knew the ‘secret’. It is impossible to reach agape love without God. This is so so so hard. The previous dares I am having the hardest with and have to pray about is patience, love is not irritable, and love fights fair. I would say I struggle a little with some of the rest as well but not as much as these three. Especially love fights fair. Since I found out about his affair and that he wants space, I cant help but want him to suffer somewhat. I thought about going on a date or two (since he wants space and wants to see other people). There is a part of me that asks why should I stay alone, and do the right thing and he’s out doing who knows what! I am praying and praying hard but his affair and his foolish acts are on repeat in my mind! Right now I don’t want to talk to him, or see him, or do anything considered nice for him. Despite my feelings I accidentally took his shirt when I went to grab some more of my clothes from home. I texted him and told him I had it and I washed it for him (It was his work shirt, why it was on the bed I don’t know). Anyways my skin crawled because I really don’t want to talk to him. I feel he has no consequences for his unacceptable actions. It angers me so much. He’s a liar, a deceiver, a cheater, and a heartbreaker! Right now it is so hard to love him and with him resisting our relationship right now is making it even harder.
I've been where you are. When my husband's affair was revealed his response was "i deserve something for me, I'm not happy" absolutely no remorse. Extremely hurtful but I told myself the enemy would not win. Later it seemed opportunities for me to see other people came out of the woodwork. However, seeing someone else was out of the question, I just wanted my husband to love me again and I couldn't imagine being with someone else. I also thought would he even care or would he use it as a reason to really call it quits. I knew if I saw someone else too there would be no repair for our marriage. I hate to admit it but more so I thought he and his married mistress had committed a terrible sin, why should I risk my salvation to lower myself to their level. I am still a marriage woman and I am responsible for anything I do against this marriage, if I did something I TOO would be an adulterer.
Something to think about.
Belinda you are such a strong woman! I hope I can adopt your attitude and your motivation. I posted on one of your journals but due to so many posts erasing I don't know if it went through and since I'm using my phone presently its hard to check. Here's the post copied and pasted::
What is Woman Thou Art Loosed about?
How did you get the replay out of your head? I hadn't forgave him yet, I don't know if I ever will... When did you get to the point you decided you wanted to work on staying together? Since I'm so unsure does it mean I don't love him unconditionally? Well to be truthful, I don't like him right now... I'm still so angry!!!
Hello again Belinda,
Just FYI I just ordered the book, hopefully it will get here soon! I read the reviews as well. There are so many editions to the book I couldn't figure out the difference. Well needless to say I bought the 2005 version. Which I believe there is a 2006 version but the price was more. Anyways thank you for the suggestion and I hope all is well.
Wow... You are going to struggle in this journey. I can see that your flesh is fighting you every step of the way. Which actually can be a good thing. Especially when you recognize the blessings of what is about to come.
But here is your biggest problem. Playing God. You cannot control anything in this situation and that is what is driving you more crazy than the affair.
Your heart is hardened but yet you are on this journey in hopes to reconcile. Now, leave your pride at the side of the road, submit to Christ and trust Him. Go back home, and do you dares.
I am here anytime you need. If you need to text talk or email. Just let me know.
And as for his consequences... That is up to God, not you.
Just read todays dare will write on it in a few. Also read todays' message on one of my favorites websites Be Still and Know . Message titled, "Our mess, God's best".
Sean I know you are right but it is easier said than done. The main reason why I haven’t moved back home is the loneliness. Before I left and before I found out about the affair he was coming home whatever time he wants. What in the world am I going to do if he’s still doing that. At least here, I don’t know and its much easier to deal. I figured I could start to heal somewhat emotionally if I was away. All I can think is, what if he’s still messing with that home wrecker? Am I suppose to just sit in the house and let that continue? Do you think I should ask him if he wants to work on our relationship now? I know a few days ago he said he doesn’t see us working and then he said maybe somewhere he wants to get better. Am I suppose to just wait until he brings up our next step? Should I continue to be his afterthought?!
I feel like he is playing on my emotions and playing with my head…and he’s not even remorseful! I told my friend whom I’m staying with that I feel like I’m walking on a tight rope. On one hand I do miss his presence, on the other hand, I can’t stand him. Sean, I feel like I am at a crossroads! I’m doing the best I can, I’m following the dares to the best of my ability, what if I’m not getting any better/ closer. What if I am one of the cases that just screw it all up! What am I missing!?
Thank you so much for your wisdom and support. I know if it wasn’t for you and the others here in this community, I know I would have literally lost my mind. The support and conversations here are one of the few things I have to look forward to each day. I am feeling so let down at home and in my relationship I am a mess! I’m hurting so bad inside…
Sean that would be nice if I could email or text you. If you could inbox me your info that will be great.
My email: AshLoveDare@yahoo.com
I am not sure which version I have. I have also been listening on audio book and its a good distraction while I am work and my thoughts normal run astray.