Collaborate without boundaries

Day 17 - love promotes intimacy....

  • Comments 3

Today as has become the new norm a roller coaster, did I mention I don't like roller coasters.

The dare was scary and I didn't do it exactly as it said because if I had talked about secrets he would have assumed I thought he was hiding something from me.

My husband went home sick today he has an infection and a fever.  When I got home he would let me make him anything nor would he let me pick something up for him for dinner when I asked on the way home.  I accepted those as his choices.

When we sat down to dinner finally I prayed for us which isn't usual, he normally prays for our meals.  We talked a bit and I asked him if he trusted me.

It took him what seemed like forever, but he answered yes.  Then he asked with what, and quickly said never mind so I didn't expound.

it's hard no one knows what is going on between us but us.  No one knows of his depression either.

Tonight though with all the changes the Lord has done in my heart I was so scared for him to get worse by sleeping on the floor.  I asked him if he would do me a favor, because he won't do anything for him.  He said it depends, I said please either sleep in the bed or on the cot, please don't sleep on the floor while you are this sick, there is a draft under the door that likely got you sick and I just really want you to rest and get better.

He said no, I said why, he said I deserve to be here.  I said says who, he said you.  I said I have never said that and began to defend myself which made me sound selfish.  He said that's not what I meant I think this is where I belong.  I told him neither is true.  That I was truly frightened that he is hurting himself intentionally like this.  He told me to let it go, and I couldn't I started to cry really hard, and then of course I say things that I shouldn't.

I wish I was mute sometimes.  I hate the way my words betray what I truly feel.  I told him that maybe I should have told our dr about his depression creeping in again, but I didn't because I knew you wouldn't want me to.  Why would I bring that up.  So he said, we are fighting again, just like that last time I was sick. WOW....  The last time he was sick it was in the worst part of my denial and anger and selfishness after he told me he didn't want to be here anymore.  I had taken care of him all night he was so sick.  In the morning as I got ready to go to work I don't even remember what was said but he said he was moving out.  I lashed out at him in anger while he was laying in bed sick. He was acquainting my concern, genuine concern for him right now with that selfish awful me.

None the less he is on the floor being snarky with me when he went to the rest room and I am in bed feeling like a complete failure.

So, Dare went well, night was awful.

I am so sorry I let our Lord down by not keeping my word about the dare on what frustrates my husband and no doing it again to show him he matters.

I am so sorry I am so overwhelmed with these wonderful and amazing feelings and passion for the Lord and my husband I haven't felt in years an all I was to do is run, and dance with them both, and my husband wants no part of it.  He is too sad to see what is right in front on him.

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. 

  • As you continue the dares and putting God further and further above your husband, the roller coaster will level out.  And your husband needs to see this happen.  

    You mention the dare was scary and you didm't do it exactly as said.  yes, the dares can be very scary. But these are the dares, when we do them as they are intended to be done, lead to greater growth and trust in Christ.  When we change the dares to make them easier, it is us taking control  from God.

  • That's great you caught yourself and didn't take control when he said no to getting him something to eat and respected his answers.  

    Next time I think you need to do the same when he sleeps on the floor and let him.  

    where you say you are sorry...if you felt  you made a mistake, do not let it get to you.  God will cover your mistake.  

  • I think the next time he asks you a question you should answer him honestly. Don't say "nevermind." He's going to be left wondering and going through all kinds of scenarios in his head trying to figure out what you were meaning.

    I have scars on my body where I used to cut myself. I wanted to "punish" myself for what I though I "deserved." It takes a lot of self-reflection to get over that. And therapy. It's easy to live like that and never seek help, although that is exactly what he needs to do. Sleeping on the floor to punish himself is not healthy physically but especially mentally.

    When he accused you of suggesting he deserves to sleep on the floor maybe instead of defending yourself you could say that you didn't intend to confer that to him but if you did then you apologize. Ask him how you can clarify your true intentions. Take responsibility even if it is not all yours to take. Humbleness is humiliating but it shows you are willing to put him above yourself.

    Each one of us lets the Lord down every day. It's how we respond that the Lord cares about. He is going to love us no matter what we do.

Page 1 of 1 (3 items)