Collaborate without boundaries

Day 11 Cherished - whatever...

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I read the chapter spent the day in my appreciation room.  Thinking on all the wonderful things about my husband.  How our lives used to be so wonderful and playful and loving and caring.

He used to do the most amazing little things and not it hurts so badly that he doesn't even think to do them now.

All day long I thought on what I knew I wanted to do for this challenge and prayed that God would touch him to move the bed back into the office.

I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I grew closer to home and felt like barfing when I arrived.

I just felt like something was wrong and I was scared.

I knew what my dare was and that it was something I love to do so it wasn't that.  Then I realized it was the bed situation.  it had consumed me.  He won't want to stay for long if he is on the floor of our living room hurting his back.

I got in and it was ice cold.  Horrify.  I walked over to him turned his face to mine and I cupped his face in my hand and kissed his forehead and smiled at him.

It was a horrible look back at me and it went straight downhill from then.  I was emotionally out of control with grief, sadness, fear, and when I changed the subject he asked that I talk to him.  He knew I wasn't in control of my tongue or my feelings but he kept pushing for me to talk to him.

I did, and it was awful.  He miss understood everything I said, and in the end said he was glad that I was finally realizing what an ass he was.  I started to cry really hard because nothing about what I said was meant to say that, nor did I think it had.

He's on the floor after eating horrible fast food.  He is more miserable than before and I failed my God tonight by losing control of my emotions.

He's here but he doesn't want to be, he says it is just because of how much he cares about me.  

I'm lost.  I know God is hearing me, and I know I am listening to him.  I am clawing my way out of the gutter of hypocrisy of being so selfish yet thinking and acting like I was a loving wife.  

I know it isn't about my husband in my head, but my heart just wants him back.  I just want him to have all the love from me and I want his love back.  I am still so selfish to even want that. The depth of the pain because of the absence of him in my life like it used to be before the bad 2 years makes it hard to breath.

I have never had to deal with this kind of emotional pain in my life.

  • Think of being a coach of a team.  And you have to draft a player.  You have two choices.  Your husband or Jesus.  Which do you chose?  Choose your husband first and you stay in complete misery as you are feeling now.  Choose Christ and He lifts you out of the pit of despair and brings  you to the  comfort you are wanting from your husband.  

    When you seek God first, you begin to  feel peace.  And then you can sleep, eat, breath, think, relax.  

  • He's taking everything you say and turning it against you. He is trying to get you to react. So he can say ,  see, this is why I am  acting the way I am.  He's doing his best to justify himself.  

    Think of  it, he's acting like  a selfish little child, throwing  a tantrum.  He's sleeping on a floor in pain and eating fast food, all in an attempt to get at you.  To  prove to you and himself he's in the  right in his  behavior.  He has free will to be the husband he should be.  

    Just stay in the dares, seek Christ, His wisdom, His strength.  

  • He's trying to make every little thing look like a disaster, so he can say woe is me.  As you continue to  show only patience and kindness you keep the door open more fully for God to work in him.

    and this is when God can place conviction upon him.  And this conviction, if he  chooses to seek understanding in what it is, and reacts like he should to it, can bring him  to Christ's ways and that will be a good thing.  But, the conviction may make things worse before it gets better.  

    Just stay consistent in the dares.

  • Tim you hit it again, Amymg1, I was in the same boat just weeks ago and I had to give it to God change the way you think about it and lean into the love and grace of Jesus, all the things he said to harm you and justify his actions don't even hit you Jesus is your shield and buckler. a shield is a defencive tool, a buckler is an offensive tool, let Him do the defending and fighting, I know it's easer said than done but if you don't it will lead you right into the pit of dispare.

  • I see myself in your husbands shoes. Last year I was so depressed that I couldn't make a rational decision. My wife came to me on March 15, 2017 and asked me what she could do for me. She said I was pushing her too far away for her to come back. I told her to go away because there was nothing she could do. What I really wanted was for her to hold me and comfort me and tell me everything was going to be ok. She gave up asking because I was too stubborn. I'm not saying that is what is happening but I just wanted to share my experience. My mistake.

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