Woke up and headed to counseling. I only see her once a month now and it might end next month because I have been seeing her for about 7 months and she thinks I should be a therapist LOL . Makes me realize how quickly 2012 is going by. It was mid January when my husband told me his feeling changed and that he didn’t know if he wanted to be married anymore. Quickly thereafter I was told by my husband that he didn’t want to try, he was already gone, and that his feelings had vanished. Here I am in August … soul searching and more spiritually alive than ever before – Praise God. In March of this past year, I thought I was going to physically die from a broken heart when my husband, best friend, my everything told me that he didn’t want to celebrate our anniversary because he “didn’t want to lead me on “ … Look what I can do … I’m still breathing, I am still faithful and I am still LOVING my husband. Miracle?? I think so!!
I picked up the book; The Shack yesterday because I see a few ppl on here loved it. I felt great today after counseling and then went to buy some summer clothes, with all this weight loss, nothing in my closet fits.
Went to work and did quite well. Got a lot done again, I was pumped. Last Friday I had deleted my husband from my BBM in a moment of rage. Today my husband sent me a note and wanted to add me back on his phone (insert fist pump here)
Tonight was our son’s soccer game (every Thurs) and every soccer game is painfully awkward and miserable for me. I really need to pray about this one. Although since last night husband and I had a great night, I was hopeful …
No such luck … husband was SUPER distant right off the hop. He showed up all showered and looking ready to go out afterwards (that is what he looks like every Thurs. – who knows where he goes after the game) He hardly even smiled at me to say hello, it was as if he wanted to make it clear “not to lead me on” … ok fine. I asked him if he was ok, and if something was bothering him he said “ I am just insane, I think I am officially insane” “I don’t know what I want” “I don’t know what I am doing” Once half time came I knew this was going to be my only opportunity to do the dare …I prayed
I don’t remember how it came up but he said “I am at a weird cross road in my life and I don’t know what I want” I took a leap of faith and jumped into my dare... I said “ I’ve made a choice – I chose to love you period even if you don’t know what you want or even if you don’t love me back” Then he says “ I will always love you – that I know” as he has a complete BLANK look on his face almost disgusted with me for saying what I had just said. It’s like it makes him mad or uncomfortable if I love him on days when he acts “off”. Not sure how he can say he loves me, while he’s dating the OW?!?!
Again I am forced to ask myself does he just “throw me a bone once a week” to keep me on the back burner. He must enjoy having a wife and a gf?? Once or twice a week him and I have a GREAT time together... it’s just the other days??? He has told me that he stopped seeing OW, but I am not convinced.
This kind of love is impossible without God working through me, I would never have been able to tell someone that I loved them period, ever - especially as they look at me with disgust. I am pretty proud of myself tonight. God fills me up.
I pray that God will help me deal with my feelings and emotions that still get in the way – they have controlled my life for far too long – what a mess they made in my life
My sister is getting married in Nov. and I am the maid of honour – however for over 6 months I have been the morbid maid … today that changed as I began to firm up all the shower details and got all he bridesmaids on board – seeing the shower venue on Sunday and hope to have the deal done by Sunday … feels good to be alive and organized again Thank you God !
Praise GOD for all he has done for you and continues to do! Nothing is impossible with GOD!!!!! Nothing is too big or great for him to deal with or handle or fix. We just have to get out of the way and trust him and let him do it! Way to go with completing the dare. Don't questions or wonder it only gets us in trouble. This verse helps me
5Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight
Mountains are being moved Ali...I know your eyes are opened to it and you are certainly feeling it.
So glad you got The Shack. Another avenue to work the heart and mind in ways you never thought possible.
As HK mentioned, can't do the wonder/what if game. I have to remind myself of this all the time too. Just keep your trust in Him. He is carrying you.
You are learning to love unconditionally. And growing in Christ will give you the comfort and He will fill all your voids. And when you leave your husband for Christ to deal with and not do things your way, that confusion is actually conviction.
Continue to be the testimony Christ is building you to be.
Sean - I keep seeing the word convition all over the place on this web site - can you help me to understand, what you mean in your post?
I am I the one "confusing" my husband? And once God has done his work, my husbands confusion will be his testimony? Is that right?
Sorry i am NEW here .. LOL
Ali - conviction can be termed as wrestling with guilt. That is why you see the flip flops in your husband. He is fighting an internal battle. Until he gets to his brokenness - where Christ needs Him it will continue. Same thing is happening with my husband.
We all have gotten to a brokenness that led us to this Love Dare journey and from there we are working towards being that testimony He needs for our spouses.
I hope that helps.
Perfectly said. That cleared it right up - thanks Jenn .. I just read all your journals today - you are my hero, my spiritaul mentor xo