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Day 134: Love takes delight

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Day 134: Love takes delight

 

Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life.—Ecclesiastes 9:9 HCSB

 

TODAY’S DARE

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they’d really like to work on. Just be together.

 

-- No action on this dare today, not that any chance of doing something together is possible at this point.  All I could do is continue to pray and trust God is working His plan.   

 

It was a year ago today, (it was a Thursday), I confronted MB about her affair.  It was in front of our counselor at the time.  It was bad.  She did admit to it, had no remorse, blamed me, was nonchalant.  I actually recorded it, but I have not listened to it; not sure I ever will. 

 

I have been in contact with a few people from a group in Tennessee called Marriagehelper.com.  They specialize in saving troubled marriages in danger of separation or divorce. I spoke to a Dr. Joe Beam, Kimberly, and others in the past couple weeks and they believe that MB is being driven by Limerence. Essentially it is a very strong type of infatuation that is easily mistaken for real love (attached is a podcast, it is really long but a really good explanation.  It explains a lot of what I see going on to a tee in the past year+).  I questioned how they are able to determine limerence if they can’t talk to MB…they have seen our situation many times, there are patterns.  I shared everything about our situation and our kids.  They even watched some of our Youtube video’s of our family and they said “we have to save this family” (…one person said she actually cried watching the videos and seeing our kids and what this is doing to them).   

 

In all of my journey this past year and the many sources of information, I don’t understand why it took this long to learn about this term, let alone hear about this group.  I think God wanted me to connect with Him before He showed me this.  I wish I would have heard about this group a year ago, but I trust God’s timing and I am embracing it.  It was actually the Love Dares and a prayer group that connected me with Marriage Helper. 

 

They say one of the best things to do is simply wait, work on PIES, and be there ready for MB when she comes out of the limerence (it will end), which could take up to three years total.  I need to continue to be calm, no snooping, and don’t react in anger.  They have told me the mistakes I have been making in trying to save my marriage.  A lot of what they told me about limerence matches MB’s affair.  Everything from the obsessive # of phone calls early-on, rewriting history, exacerbating the problems in our marriage to changing in her value system and moral compass.   She is likely in the 2nd stage (Crystallization), nothing anyone can say or do will change her. I actually think she had been in this stage for a year now. Only MB or her closest friends really know what she is thinking/feeling. She perceives anything or anyone who stands between her and him as an enemy.  Any threat to a future with him, she will despise and move as quickly as possible to eliminate the threat.  Most divorces are filed during this stage. They want me to delay the divorce process as much as legally possible, so that the limerence can get into the final stage.   

 

They want me and MB to go to a workshop they hold in Tennessee.  The don’t make any promises, but they see God perform miracles at these workshops all the time, 3 out of 4 couples.  They say the hardest thing is getting the reluctant spouse to go to the workshop.   They are even willing to waive their fee, if I can just get MB there.  They have coached me on various escalating strategies to ask her: what to tell her, how to tell her, when to ask her….I just need to at this point. They even suggested using divorce proceedings as a leverage tool.  Just not sure what to think of all this…I would like to know what God says about this?? Is this getting in His way??

  • Sunny on this sight was the first one that brought up limerence that I know of on this site. I had never heard of it before.

    But, it has often been said many of our spouses are infatuated with the other person, and mistake it for love. And they do force the new relationship to be legitimized and protect that person and the relationship with all they have. And during this time, they don't even understand what they are thinking, and often don't remember saying what they say.  But, the old her is still in there.  You can keep the door further open for God to work in her by staying in the dares.  

  • Sunny on this sight was the first one that brought up limerence that I know of on this site. I had never heard of it before.

    But, it has often been said many of our spouses are infatuated with the other person, and mistake it for love. And they do force the new relationship to be legitimized and protect that person and the relationship with all they have. And during this time, they don't even understand what they are thinking, and often don't remember saying what they say.  But, the old her is still in there.  You can keep the door further open for God to work in her by staying in the dares.  

  • Sunny on this sight was the first one that brought up limerence that I know of on this site. I had never heard of it before.

    But, it has often been said many of our spouses are infatuated with the other person, and mistake it for love. And they do force the new relationship to be legitimized and protect that person and the relationship with all they have. And during this time, they don't even understand what they are thinking, and often don't remember saying what they say.  But, the old her is still in there.  You can keep the door further open for God to work in her by staying in the dares.  

  • Some day she will see Christ in you and selfishness and flesh in him. and she will become possibly confused, still trying to hold onto him (not really him perse but the new her she's been trying to create. the her that can have "a new life".  And she will get to a breaking point where she's really feeling it.  So, if she ever starts lashing out with a vengeance, BE Still!.  It may be God working hard in her.  And you reacting with emotion instead of leading your heart will not help.

    It gets tough, but in Christ's strength and wisdom you can continue to stand. the same with waiting for God's timing in this.  Just keep standing and most often the best way is by being still all the while showing patience and kindness when you see or talk to her.

  • It will be tough getting her to the workshop. She will see it as a polar opposite to what she wants.  

    But, realize she may be further out of the infatuation than you think. And do not assume things, maybe she is out of that relationship already.  Love believes the best.

  • Thanks so much Tim!!  I agree the best thing I can do is continue to show love, be calm and patient.  Yes, I agree, getting her to the workshop is going to be a challenge.  They say I might have to give-up something tangible (i.e. more equity in the house, etc.)  We will see.     I do also question...God am I getting in your way (by me trying to do this workshop)??

  • If you ask her prayerfully waiting on God for the proper time and place I don't think you can go wrong. just be open to the Holy Spirit's lead. God will make it clear if he wants you to ask.

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