AdeleF's journal

Day 13 & 14 Just enjoying my marraige

AdeleF — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 05:49:24 GMT

I got a message from God asking me why should I need more signs to work on my marraige. Can't I see how may miracles He has performed in my life already? It did put me in shame. I am actually so unbelieving and so scared to hope. I asked for forgiveness and recommitted myself to the Lord's plan.

We have been working on our conflict handling a lot over the last couple of months. I added for myself again, not to throw any accusations under any circumstances - Rather focus on what I feel and communicate that softly.

Yesterday, our daughter left for a couple of days with my parents to a resort. So we were home alone. It was so quiet, us not being used to being alone together at all. We did not cook, rather we got some take aways, and just walk through the mall. It was so nice just being with my husband, talking some small talk and relaxing together.

I believe we can make this work. We just need to keep God in the centre of our relationship.

Day 12 - Letting go

AdeleF — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 07:56:33 GMT

Yesterday was hard for me. It was hard because I am always the one giving in, having to struck a compromise and I really couldn't think of something else.

But as usual, there always is. I had to let go of letting our baby boy have two names. Something I really wanted to have for our son. I actually went to bed first, thinking I could postpone doing this dare. But I couldn't sleep, if God wanted me to do this, I was going to trust Him. So I told him its ok with me, Joshua can have only one name.

I think he appreciated me giving in on this. Either way, I could sleep last night.

Day 9, 10 & 11 Eat some humble pie!

AdeleF — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 06:24:33 GMT

Day 9 went fine. I was so happy to be home Friday night, after a nightmarish week at work. Was exhausted as I woke up earlier the whole week and got home later at night.

Day 10, I failed miserably, miserably. It started out fine, I stood up at 6, started the washing (because I knew my husband was planning too), thinking that I will save him the trouble. I had my daughters birthday party at a local Restaurant the morning, so I had a couple of errands to run, pick up the cake, get the helium balloons and make up the table. When we got at the Spur, they overbooked with two more parties at the same time. I was soo upset. (My husband don't do the party thing, so at least he missed all the drama). I tried to talk to the manager and he just shrugged me off, telling me they know how to do kiddies parties. That did not help. In the end we tried to move the tables to try and create at least some privacy and it turned out to be not too bad.

The afternoon, my Mom organised me a surprize baby shower. It was totally unexpected, but it was really nice. My grandmother got irritated with the bunch of 5 year olds that all wanted to help. I told her she shouldn't worry. It does not bother me, and it keeps them happy. We were supposed to go for a barbeque at my parents the evening, but I excused myself saying I was just too tired.

I called my husband, told him that he does not need to worry about the barbeque, I excused us because I am exhausted. (He has not been to my parents house since the affair) Then he dropped the bomb, we are getting visitors and they are staying overnight. I was so upset. He did this, just because he didn't want to go to the barbeque. He could have just said no. I would have taken it. I was already tired, he did not even think to even tell me, never mind ask if I was ok with it. I felt he was so spiteful and inconsiderate. Then he went all juvenile, and told me he will never invite people to my house again. I told him he is missing the point. I never invite people, without asking him first. He did this just to get out of the barbeque. And for the first time in years my family is all at home, my sister came too visit from the USA - and I have to go greet them alone. I said to him, he must try to understand how tired I am too like cancel it - only to hear he had other plans from the beginning. Then he asked me if he ever keeps me away from my family. I told him as a matter of fact he does, because I won't go to dinner or lunch invites if he is not with me. We cannot be having this seperate lives, that is why our marraige got into trouble in the first place.

I cried for an hour, before I was able to collect myself and put a smile on my face and be ready to receive our visitors. Saturday night I couldn't sleep, I just cried. I can't believe that this is what God intends for me. Sunday morning, I read through the dare again and realised how I messed this up. I should love him regardless, for better or worse. Even when I don't feel like it. I was still feelling crap though.

The only thing I could think of was too clean the cupboard surface in our room he has been complaining about for a while now. I also went for a walk to the river with them, even though my foot was paining from the previous day and I felt like crap. This morning I struggle walking, but at least it feels like I did something good. A little step towards redeeming myself.

Day 8 - Love creates love

AdeleF — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 06:07:59 GMT

I have such peace. It is the best feelling in the world to be able to give something just because you can. Better feelling yet not to expect something back.

I cannot believe the love I am feelling in my heart. It is bigger and better than I have ever felt in my life. I told my husband I am so proud to be his wife. He asked me why. I cannot even begin to describe. I am seeing all the effort he puts in the household, how hard he works. Was it always there and I was so blind? Did I drive him away into another woman's arms? Maybe the guilt should be laid at my feet.

I prayed this morning to God that He should remain number 1 in my life. That I shall never put anyone above the Lord.

My husband told me he loved me this morning, not only me too - but he actually said the words. God gave me a second chance, I hope I won't dissapoint Him again.

Day 7 - I feel so blessed

AdeleF — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 05:24:19 GMT

I did my lists, picked from the list which I thought I should thank him for, but God had other plans.

When I got home, he cooked my favourite food and did the dishes. It was heaven coming home to a clean kitchen and the smell of dinner. He also gave me some good news, he was going to study further. (Background, he was going to do it, but picked up a scratch with his boss and being stubborn he refused to do anything else but his job description and was going to move from his current boss) Yesterday he even patched things up with his boss.

I am so thankfull to have him as my husband and I really could not tell him enough from the bottom of my heart. I love him more than ever.

PS. I am busy reading a novel that Francine Rivers wrote. I am thinking, aren't those that make the biggest mistakes and seems to be the hardest people the most in need of love. Shouldn't we actually give them more love than those that is more "deserving". After all a little bit of love goes a really really long way.

Easter Weekend - Day 2,3,4,5 & 6

AdeleF — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 06:46:42 GMT

Haven't been posting for a while. I have been thinking, if I hurt so much because of one person's betrayal - How did it feel for Jesus with the world's betrayal?

Day 2 - Kindness - Our help did not show the previous week. Was thinking I would do washing, as we were going away for the weekend. My husband told me to leave it, and did it the following day whilst I was stil at work. He ended up being the kind one. I tried to pay it forward with everyone else.. trying to concentrate on what others needed albeit a glass of water. He was feelling very irritable when I got home, I did the kindest thing I thought I could, did not nag, packed away the washing and let him be - later that night he was smiling and making jokes!

Day 3 - This was difficult for me. I could not think what to buy him at all that would really be thoughtful. The following morning I went to town alone, looking for something to buy our daughter for her birthday - I saw this cute vest Dad loves me, I bought two - One for our baby due in June and one for his other baby that was born last year November. When I gave to him, he just said thank you. That night he called me " My love". It felt worth it.

Day 4 - Especially hard, I kept on asking, he kept on saying nothing. His shoulder started paining again, usually only happens if he is stressed out and lying to me about something. I felt so shut out. I couldn't sleep. He asked me what was chasing me. I told him that I am just here, waiting for him to let me in his life. That I am his other child's stepmom after all, and if he wants to have contact with him, he does not have to do this alone. I am here to help him. He can just let me.

Day 5 - Hard, hard, hard - Because we had this conversation a couple of weeks ago and he gets irritable when I keep on doubting myself. I asked him in a more lighthearted way (after I steamed over it an entire day). I knew two off hand, it always comes up that I need to lose weight and that I am not that neat. I asked him what was the third one, and whether he agreed with me on the first two. He told me he couldn't think of anything!

Day 6 - I always doubt his choice that he came back to me. In the back of my mind I always think he still have feellings for her. Even though I tell myself that a good woman will never get involved with a married man, and he did not run to her when I chased him away, and instead came back home to me, I still cringe at the very thought of her. I am sure he went to her on Thursday to see his son, before he came home. He did not tell me, but he lied to me at first on what time he got of work and then there is an hour uncounted for. I cried and cried, (trying not to let him see me crying). I stopped crying on Easter Sunday. Yesterday, I read that God doesn't want us to suffer. I will not let her dictate my happiness. I will love my husband regardless. I will find my joy in Christ.

Going on to Day 7, I have learnt that this is definately not easy. Satan is trying to get to me, but God will stay by me and get me through this.

Afterthought, my five year old daughter has been giving me feathers this last couple of weeks, everyday at least once of twice. My neighbour came over and told me she read a piece in a magazine how feathers was a symbol of Angels watching us. I guess, I got a couple of extra Angels looking over me all this time.

Day 1 - Patience is a virtue

AdeleF — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 05:47:16 GMT

Day 1 wasn't that difficult, but it was a real eye opener. I always thought I was a patient person, but what I did not realise is that even though I do not scream and shout (normally), I do have this passive aggressiveness that I believe is maybe worse. I needed to check not only what I say, but my body language as well.

A couple of weeks ago my husband complained that I nagged and moaned a lot. I couldn't believe it. Me? I think he was also picking up on the non-verbal clues I have been throwing around. Somehow I think if you say fine, but you act go to hell, they hear go to hell!

My biggest, biggest enemy is my thoughts. I still cannot get the affair out of my head. I keep thinking what she did better than me, what is she stil doing better that might send him back to her arms. Stupid, I know. I pray to God that I can banish this thoughts and that I will be able to replace them with better ones.

Overall, I actually slept better last night than I did in ages. Will be moving on to Day 2 now...

I surrender

AdeleF — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 12:14:24 GMT

I have no idea what God's plan is for me.

I have been incredibly hurt by my husband. He had an affair last year, and a child was born out of it. The baby boy is now about 4 and a half months old. I caught him two weeks back, that he was still having contact with the other woman, was paying for child support and was seeing the child behind my back. When the affair was caught out, I told him I would stand by him whatever he decides, but he has to include me. No more lying and sneeking around.

I am 30 weeks pregnant, I want to do the right thing by our children (have another daughter turning 5 in April. I don't know what that is. I got my book today. I am hoping that I will be able to surrender completely to God's will and be able to see the way forward.

The next 40 days, I am surrendering.