Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life.
Saturday, March 20,2010------Love Dare Challenge--------Day 14: Love Takes Delight
This was not too hard of a challenge to accomplish; because my wife and I were asked to be disc jockey's for a brother and sister-in-Christ's wedding at Muskegon Vineyard Christian Fellowship on Saturday, March 20, 2010 at 12:00p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) which duties are: to play music on the compact disc player during the wedding ceremony and music during the wedding reception. Pastor Kyle Kramer will be officiating the wedding ceremony. And during this time I choose purposefully neglect my internet activities on facebook until later in the late evening after I have spent time with my wife Rebecca Mae Monroe.
My Husband and I just spent time napping..you see, my father has Cancer, and my husband got a New Job, and well me...I am always cleaning or working outside. Everywhere I look something needs to be done or just everything. So, I took the time not to clean the kitchen fFoors or do Laundry. I decided just to lay with my husband. It felt so good just to be with him and not expect myself to do everything. Things have been going well and family has been asking about this challenge. I hope they are seeing a difference in our relationship. I will say this, it was the Best Thing my husband and I ever did together. We have been working together on everything, from yard work to how we talk with each other. It has been refreashing. The change in my husband it Amazeing, although we both have alot of work ahead of us, it is still Amazeing how God is doing a work in him and me.
Ok some background before I ask the questions. My wife and I have been married for 8 years have one step son who is 16 and we have two daughters together 7 and 6. We have had a rocky relationship from the start. She has filed for divorce on me twice and I left twice. Very bad I know but we are in the middle of the second divorce and have already had the first hearing on temporary child support and custody. We both have been very hurt in this relationship, we both have said and done things in anger. Truth is I never loved my wife the way the bible says to love her. I take full responsibilty for the things that have occured because I didnt put God first in my life, my marriage, and I didnt cherish her. I do not want this divorce and I will fight till the bitter end which I have expressed to her. She continues to tell me thats fine but to live my life because she is happy now living with her parents and my stepson and two daughters. I am in the our house by myself. I need some help with this dare. We hardly talk, and when we do it escalates to her shouting at me. I have learned enough through prayer and the previous dares to keep my mouth shut. Believe me when I say this....its very hard for me to do this. I keep praying for God to change my heart, and I believe he is, but how can I be for sure. I have been pretty selfish in the past, but I am begging God for this. Ii have asked him to show me things in my heart that I need to get rid of and he has. So enough on the background. Anyone have any suggestions for this dare? and by the way I travel with my job and am gone through the week most of the time. I just happen to be working in town this week.
So my wife and I are not living together and do not really spend quality time with each other since separating a month ago. I started the dare 2 weeks ago and have seen some positive signs. Most importantly is that she is not completely shutting the door. We have been married 4 and 1/2 years and have a 2 year old daughter. I realize the Monster that I was before and now see and love more clearly than I ever have before. I will continue to do the dares but had to skip this one until another time. I am just hopeful that even though we are apart she can see the changes within me.
I asked my wife if there was something she would like to do. She said I've so repressed her that she has no interests because I've stifled her interests. Instead we took our youngest daughter to lunch and the movies. I rearranged my work week to do so.
After we got home, we talked a little while our daughter showered. She still says she doesn't have any feelings for me anymore while at the same time talking about how much I've hurt her. We talked more about that and the reality that we need to have a few heart-to-heart talks. She agreed we needed to talk more but later when I again asked about counseling, she said she wasn't inclined to do so but would at least think about it.
She keeps telling me she's really trying and how she really is giving me a chance but frankly, I don't see it. I'm committed to this---to saving my marriage if at all possible but in truth I'm in this about as alone as a man can be.
I love her dearly but I've hurt her to deeply I fear for our marriage to be saved. I just told her again how much I love her and that I love her so much that I'll let her go if she really wants to leave. I won't sign any divorce papers but I'll let her leave.
I would do anything for her to save our marriage. If she divorces me, I will most likely be forced to leave the pastorate or have to change denominations. So, I have no problems leaving the pastorate now for her if it would save our marriage. I can easily change my profession with a few years spent back in school retraining. Nothing I offer gets any positive results. I'm not blaming her but she sees it that way no matter how much I tell her otherwise. Sadly, my word means little to nothing to her. All I can do is pray and continue to reach out to her. Nonetheless, the vow renewal I had hoped for will most likely never happen.
If I do have to let her go and for some reason I later choose to pursue another relationship, I know what I won't do in that relationship and what I will do. I will love unconditionally; I will control my temper; I will not attack verbally or physically; I will not allow myself to be attacked verbally or physically; I will never talk about divorce; I will be longsuffering; I will be nurturing. However, before I can ever think of a new relationship with another woman, I'll have to die and rot in hell first.
My wife and I both bear the responsibility for our failed marriage. My part is the worst of it but she doesn't see where she's done anything wrong except having loved me unconditionally for too long. That may be but I chose to keep loving her several years ago when I felt like leaving her. Of course, that means nothing to her either.
Well, as I reread this, I see one glaring contradiction after another. I guess that means I'm already rotting in hell after all. I still refuse to give up but I do realize I have to prepare myself for the worst.
What do you do if you have a hard time finding the time in our busy schedules to do this dare?
At Day 14 it's getting harder and harder. My wife asked for a separation a couple of weeks ago and we agreed that I would stay in the basement until we paid off some debt before moving out. I am hopeful that we can start the reconciliation process and that me moving out completely won't be necessary. We had the conversation 2 weeks ago that she has "checked out" and feels nothing for me anymore and that she feels pretty strongly that she wants a divorce but would like a long term separation to know for sure. I watched the movie fireproof 15 day's ago and decided to take the love dare. Obviously it's been a roller coaster of emotion, I've told her I had a change a heart and asked her to give me another chance. She just keeps saying that she's not there and that she doesn't think she'll ever be able to get there again.
We had 2 week separation last year but were back to "trying" right after that. This time feels different and she's confirmed that. I've been an awful husband and I've said "I'll do better" dozens of times and at this point she doesn't believe it or as she said, even if you were perfect going forward I still don't want to be with you. Every talk of a happy future or of a change of heart is met with anger and resentment from the past and even the present.
Yesterday was Easter and my wife did not want to go to church with us. It was just me and my 3 boys. It was weird and hard, the 1st time in over 17 years that we did not go to church together on Easter. We went to lunch and when we got home she immediately went upstairs an hour or so later she texted me to ask if I was OK, I was quiet at lunch...I said I was fine. We played monopoly with the kids and found ourselves alone after we sent them to bed. She asked if I was OK again so I took that as an invitation to talk. I asked if she'd thought anymore about "US" She shook her head and said you're not going to like what I have to say. She told me how much more at peace she felt not having to "deal" with me when she got home. As I tried to share and accept what I've done and what I should have done, it was met with more anger more resentment and the stern: "IT"S TOO LATE" it should have been that way years ago.
- How do I know if that's how she really feels or if she is just hurting?
- How so I continue this "Love Dare" when every sweet thing is met with disappointment that it wasn't that way before?
- How do I support her and agree with her when the decision is to end our marriage?