Day 9: On Impressions

I woke up this morning not feeling much better than I did last night.  I fell asleep before praying last night though I wasn't sure I wanted to.  I went to E's house and watched a movie.  On my way back I called A.K. because I was lonely.  As wrong as I knew the conversation was I needed to feel someone cared.  Someone with a voice on the other end of the line.  I think of the Todd Agnew song "Written on the Wall" when I think that God is here with us all the time, though I can't always feel or hear him.

"But the sound of this world's deafening and I'm having a hard time listening."

But I woke up feeling bad all around.  I felt bad that I was so angry with K last night.  Feeling bad I had called AK to try to stop some of the pain.  Feeling bad that I'm not a stronger person and that my faith is so weak.

I got up and put the finishing touches on her snack for today.  I didn't make her a lunch as she was eating at the Cala with some people from work so I didn't make her as much as usual.  A small bowl of grapes, two cookies and a cherry coke zero.  I handed it to her as she got ready to leave and told her it was just a snack.  She asked for some yogurt but said she didn't want to eat all the yogurt I had bought.  I pointed out I had bought it for her.  She paused, as if surprised and said thank you.  I gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her to have a good day at work and went back to my book.

There was no excitement in my voice because I am hurting and she doesn't seem to care.  She's moving on and in her mind I am nothing more than a demon she has made me out to be.  She thinks my nice guy routine is just more of the same and doesn't believe it to be real and in less than four days she'll be rid of me because that is when the move happens and she seems to be looking forward to it.

After she left I resolved to call her around noon to see how she is doing and see if she needs anything.  But I felt no joy.  I felt no excitement.  I felt no sense of self-worth.  I began wondering where the incentive for her to end her affair is if I'm going to give her all this attention.  She gets the best of both worlds.  Attention from me, attention from him, there seems to be no consequences for her actions right now.  Not that I'm the one who determines that.  All actions have consequences.  But it doesn't feel that me being nice gives her any incentive to end her affair.  I wonder how I'm suppose to learn to love her and show her unconditional love when she is planning on flying out to Alaska in September to see this guy.  I'm suppose to continue to show her unconditional love while she goes and sleeps with another man while we are married?  How does that work?

I guess what I don't understand is that if she is really that fed up with me why not divorce and get it over with?  Why send me the mix messages or play the charades with the kids?  Why not file and end it?  I'm so confused.

I know I need to be giving this all up to God in prayer and trusting that he will handle it but I'm tired and my faith is weak because I'm weak.  I remembered one of the previous weeks saying that love gives the other person more time than they deserve to correct a mistake.  So I guess that means I continue to extent patience and understanding to K even as she carries on with S. in hopes that she will see the need to end the affair eventually.

I talked to mom this morning and told her I felt like a door mat.  She said that there was never anything wrong with being kind and that reaffirmed that I am indeed doing the right thing by being kind, no matter what the response is from K. 

Its been 9 Days but it feels so much longer and its not getting any easier.  At times its down right impossible.  But I went back through the book today from start to Day 9 and reaffirmed my commitment to the process.  It took several hours because I stopped and contemplated as I read but at the end I felt better and reaffirmed.

I modified my phone greeting for her today.  When I answered I would excitedly say "Hey you, how are you?"  It took her by surprise when I first answered but no conversation ensured.  When I got back from a cub scout meeting today I walked in, gave her a hug and a kiss and told her I was glad she was home.  She asked "Why" in a skeptical tone and I asked her how her day went. 

I don't know what happened but I was overcome and went into my room to pray.  It wasn't a prayer as much as it was a series of sobbing "Please Help me" repeated over and over.  After about 10 mins of this sobbing I asked God to take my pain away.  It was a oddest feeling I have ever had.  I just stopped crying.  Just like that.  Initially I thought it was just a break, but it didn't start again.  As I sat there thinking about where I was I began realizing that my requests for God to work in K's heart to get rid of S. was selfish on my part.  I want him out of the picture so I can have my wife back.  I suddenly realized that even that prayer was selfish in nature, masked in concern for another.  I began praying again, this time I decided when thoughts or images of K and S together came to mind I would pray in a different way.

I decided I was going to pray for K.  Not for God to influence her to make a better choice so I feel better, but rather pray for God to go to her, enter her life and take away her suffering.  I realized her reactions and the actions she is taking with S right now are a result of her suffering, suffering I had a hand in inflicting over the course of our 12 year marriage.  I prayed to God to take K's pain.  I prayed for him to go to her and strengthen her faith, which I feel has slipped, causing her to take the course of action she is taking and I told God that she needed him right now more than she needed S. or more than she needed me. 

I then asked God into my heart to mold me and direct me and to help me strengthen in my faith and to build a solid relationship with him and leaving everything else up to him.

I got up and felt better instantly.  We had dinner.  I cleaned up after dinner and got the kids ready for bed.  I gave her a foot and hand rub while we were sitting on the couch.  She got in the shower later and I made her lunch for tomorrow.  I went to her room and asked her if she needed anything.  She said she didn't and I kissed her on the forehead and took the dog for a long walk.  I didn't want to be in the house while she was talking to S tonight. 

As I walked the dog I contemplated the fact that I can't be ready for this relationship or any relationship until I am first right with God.  Having this as a focus in this moment brought a strange sense of clarity to the situation and focus.  It took the focus off of K and placed it on building a relationship with God, which ultimately will benefit me as well as all those in my life who I encounter. 

I am going to keep my greetings as I did them today though she looks at me strange every time I kiss her on the cheek.  She looks at this as something that is new and that its a hoax, not a long term change.  But I am going to keep it up, not only to show her, but also because I have committed to this until my marriage is repaired, rebuilt or over.  Until then, I am married until I'm not.

Seeker. I think I mentioned. Read all the appendix in the back. It will give you a lot of insight in prayer. It also has a great section on leading your heart.

Also, I know that most people do not talk about all the prayers they have. However, make sure there is P-praise, R-repent A-ask for others Y- yourself. Make sure the repent is in there. To be right with Christ, you need to confess and repent.

On another note. There is no way right now she will believe any of your changes. In fact, people "of the world" will never understand the transformations you will go through. Keep your eye on your journey.

Also I must point out. The more you learn during this journey about yourself, the more her actions will seem cold. Because you are growing and she is not, it will be a real eye opener.

And one last thing. please do not look for comfort from another person that is potential problem. If you feel guilty about it, that is not a good thing. God will give you a conviction about it (as I think he did based on your feeling). Take that to heart. You cannot be right with him, if you still think you know how to do things and are doing things that are not right.

She's not "of the world." She's been a christian since I have known her and very devout.  I think that is why her actions are confusing me so much.  I'm the one who is newer to this.  She was raised in it and has been one of the most faithful and spiritual people I know.  Or at least I thought she was.  Its very confusing.

I've read the appendix three times.  And I'm getting there on being able to do what I need to do.  

This morning when I gave her the lunch I made she said "Wow, you're spoiling me, what am I gonna do when I don't have you around to make lunch for me?"  I didn't respond.  I kissed her on the cheek and told her I hoped her day was good.  

Her comment stung because it felt like it was a pointed comment aimed at reinforcing the fact that, despite the changes I am making, she still doesn't want me.  I put that thought out of my head and focused on the fact that this journey is my walk with God, not my last ditch attempt to save my marriage.  I'm trying to think of that as a potential perk of this, but not the end in and of itself.  But that is hard to stick with because as soon as she left I felt like crap.

I know I should not be finding comfort in someone else.  Hell that is one of the things that got me here in the first place.  But I'm not God and I'm not that strong and sometimes the feelings are overwhelming.  I didn't do it last night.  I felt lonely and sad and wanted to talk to someone.  Instead I put on the movie Fireproof and watched it and then fell asleep watching Avatar.  I found another way to distract myself.  

Thanks for he encouragement.

Seeker. She has fallen from her Christian path. So, she is of the world. She is lusting for another. I am in no way putting her down or insulting her.

I was in the same boat at one time. When I was of the world I did not want to hear nor did I care or understand.

One of the reasons she will intentionally be cold with comments, is because she fell from her path with Christ, and she will be convicted all the time. She is trying to control her feelings, and as you learn these dares it will open your eyes more than you will ever believe and see things more clear which will make these things seem more harsh.

And if you know you should not be finding comfort with someone else, then why do it? If you are going on a journey with Christ, then you have to do what is right. You have to give up what you think is best, you have to give up control.

Not to be harsh, but like the rest of us. If we all knew what we were doing and could do it without Christ, we would not be here....

Your comfort in someone else should be with Christ. He will give you all the comfort you need if you just ask (pray)...

Could not have said it better otty.

Seeker, when my hubs is a jerk, realizes it and changes, the trust and good feelings do not return instantly. There are several things going on here (I'm just going to address her reactions to your new way of treating her):

-your actions cause her to reconsider what she has already figured out about you, which can cause more distrust, as she may think that your changes are temporary just to get her back into her good graces then you're going to go back to the old you.(not saying that's true, just saying that's what women think)

-since you have spent years acting how you previously did, she is still expecting you to act like that, again thinking that these changes aren't permanent. That's why she's puzzled.

-trust takes more time to rebuild than it did to tear down. In addition, it doesn't seem as though she's currently open to trust. Praying things will change.

God will convict her on the rest.