Just as I type the Subject I realize my heart isn't in this today. My life and emotions are constantly a reflection of what Dustin is doing in his backslidden condition. I know I'm not the one that can rescue him but it hurts so bad like last night when he leaves to go party with his buddies. My heart is just ripped into shreads..and what is worst is not knowing if hes okay as he never calls or texts. I know that this isn't an "out" to marriage for God. He can fix anything..I dont' want to doubt it, but its hard..
Todays dare.....I'm not sure how I'm going to respond. I am working while he is partying on the river with his friends so when I see him again of course I dont' want to greet him warmly. I want to be mad and make him see how he hurts me, but I know this is not the reason for the dare. So I will do my best to greet him sweet and let him know I missed him. I in no way want to condone what hes doing with his friends and let him think that I'm okay with it. I guess that's the part of being selfish is wanting him to see how bad of a husband he is being and again I get that this is not about that...so I will try.
Well I am ashamed of myself..I guess through all of this when you pray and you believe and it doesn't happen sometimes I begin to doubt. When he left last night, I prayed he would be miserable and realize he didn't belong there and want Gods will back for his life...I just receieved a message from him saying that he hated that he went and that he was sorry he left me and he does care about me.
So even though he isn't under the blood yet...at least maybe next time he decides to leave he will think about this time.
My husband was behaving very similarly not too long ago. He'd spend weekends partying it up as if he was 18. Before I started the dares it drove me NUTS! I couldn't understand how he could be so SELFISH!
At some point throughout my journey though, I let God take over. If I got angry, I turned to prayer to let the Lord release me of it. If thoughts of mistresses and drunkenness and my imagine working in overdrive came to mind, I had to turn to God to let HIM take care of it.
The place I had to get to was completely TRUSTING in Christ. Knowing that NO MATTER what happens, it's all a part of His plan. I may not like what is happening, but I put my faith and trust in Christ that HE knew what HE was doing and allowed HIM to guide and be with my husband.
Though it is hard to greet your husband warmly when you want to be wringing his neck, I feel that the point is to humble yourself and just do it. Christ humbled himself to wash the feet of his disciples, including the one who had betrayed HIM...
I might also add... though you are angry with him, do you love him any less? If not, then why not greet him warmly? Love should shine more powerfully than angery... you can talk through your feelings with your husband, but to do so in a loving manner is so much more powerful and effective than angery an arguing...
One more note, praying for your husband to have a horrible time is praying selfishly... I always hated when someone pointed out my selfishness, but without them I would have never realized how selfish I was, so I apologize ahead of time if I offend you.
These are just tidbits from my experience... if it helps, awesome :)
First. God answers all prayers. Just not always with yes. Sometimes it is no, or even wait.
If we continue to do things our way, or hope that God will do it our way... Where will that get us? Look where we are at now....
His plan is perfect, and not only do you need to trust that, but trust Him.
This journey Christ is moulding you each and every dare. There are times you need to be humbled and times your pride needs to be stomped on...
Christ will work on him as Christ molds you. Just leave all that to Christ. You focus on your journey, because Selfishness and pride are the hardest to combat.
And when those feelings come, prayer is the answer to be comforted.
Forever512, thank you for sharing. Many of your thoughts about what he was doing out there in sin are the same and I truly believe its an attack of the enemy on my part. Praying that he would be miserable, I guess is selfish in a way but I do know being where he was spiritually and now he can't be happy. I guess my battle is more on his spiritual side than the marriage aspect.
Sean you are always so so helpful. I do trust Christ with my life. Of course I know Dustin has free will and will continue to push the conviction out, thats what bothers me. I am going to do my best to leave the condition hes in spirtually out and just say hes my husband good or bad no matter what state hes in. Todays dare really helped me with that. Day 12 Love Cherishs. On this journey, the devil puts so many thoughts in my head...get out...you can find someone better that won't have these habits in their lives...but reading this book helps to fight off those voices and reminds you not only did I make a vow to God but why would I leave my spouse during this diffcult time in his life, which I might add I'm mainly to blame for! Thanks for the advice..you all are great!
Also remember you are one through Gods grace. So when you hear those little voices discouraging you, remember that this man is apart of you.
He may not be where you are now, but Christ will continue to work. He will continue to convict. And when Christ has molded you to where you need to be, Christ will use that.
Christ is molding you to be a testimony. And preparing you to be there when it is needed. As I am sure you know, He has a plan and it is perfect. No matter how bad things get, smile and praise Him knowing that He will use you to bring your husband to realize things... And then, that choice will truly be made. But Christ needs you to be apart of this plan. Always remember that.
Wow this brought tears to my eyes. God definately used you to speak directly to me in thoughts of what it will take to get Dustin back to where he needs to be. Its hard when you think or say "God whatever it takes" . Those are words but to him they are so much more and thats when we have to walk by Faith. Your words were like gold. Thank you.
When you accept Christ in your life, you are accepting the responsability for Him to use you. The real question is, are we willing to accept that.
When I started this dare and I finally realized that, I stopped praying for her to be a better person, I stop my selfish prayer for Christ to do what I wanted. I just prayed for her salvation (no matter if we were together or apart) and I prayed for HIS will in this situation, not mine.
Talk about hard. What if she was not willing to make the choice to accept Him? But I knew, no matter what, He had my best interest in mind, and He would not be here doing what He was doing unless He was preparing me for something.