Today has been hard. I started the day off with the dare, had to email him because we have very little communication but I kept the message short and sweet, all positive and told him to please have a good day. Of course I have not heard anything from him but I can imagine it is because he is still trying to figure out if I am changing or just playing a game (in his mind).
Today I woke up and the first thought that came to my mind was giving it all to God. I have never felt like that before but I prayed. I told God that I could not do it alone anymore and that I needed help and guidance. I am planning on seeing my councelor tomorrow, I think I need that.
I dont know how I feel today. I had a revelation that I have been very selfish, very controlling of my husbands time and very jealous of his accomplishments. I found that I also always assume the worst motivations of people.... that everyone is out to get me, out to hurt me, out to leave me. Today I prayed to let go. I prayed to help me trust people. Help me to see that people are not assuming ill intent of me. I still feel very lost, very confused. I am not sure what to hold onto in my marriage or if there is any hope, but I have to change for me.
In this journey, you will find yourself in many ups and downs, you will find as Christ changes things within you, that you see more clear on a number of levels. Things your husband does will be cold, hurtful, etc... But these are ways to humble you. Ways that Christ wants you to be more like him. Yes, it will be hard, but it is something that will allow you to see how the love of God gets you through. He will never give you more than you can handle. And your first thought. It is what you need to do. When you leave it to God, you get to move on without worry. How great is that? Knowing that you can leave your troubles behind and KNOW that he is going to love you and do what is best for you. I know then you think if that was the case, things would be fine with my husband... Well God has a plan for you. And all this time you have left him out of your life and did things your way. He has loved you so much he knows where you would end up if he allowed you to continue to do that. So now, he will teach you, love you, and allow you to be the person you can be with Christ. Allow him to do his work with your husband, do not interfere with that. You do your dares. He is never late.
And Prayer is the way to wisdom, comfort and hope. Make sure you read the appendix and there are many great things about prayer.
as God molds you and makes you into his image on this journey, it will hurt. I hope you enjoy this illustration of God's chisel, to reinforce that point.