For today's dare, I burned the negative list over the sink. My parents saw me and thought I was into some cult rituals :p It was harder to destroy this list then I thought. I found myself reading it over a few times before burning it. A part of me wanted to remember what those hurts were. I think I'm at peace again after seeing the sheet burnt off slowly.
I also sent her the "Day 8" email highlighting key points in the chapter and added in my own thoughts at the end. I sincerely congratulated her on landing her dream job because she had worked so hard to get there. I also told her I was regretful in retrospect supporting that journey and what transpired as a result (that's where she met all the friends who "get" her), BUT I'm not now because I truly want her to be happy. Perhaps I wasn't totally supportive because of my own selfish thinking. I was putting my logical spin into it - why would anyone want to leave a high paid job, do years of schooling (unpaid), and then look for a dream job that is unlikely to exist. This jealousy is so subtle and stuffed in my subconscious mind that I literally tried to reason it out as being a non-issue (*I* provided all the financial support to get her there), even as I write this. I feel like God is ripping my heart out and bleach it so it can be cleansed.
Some interesting news - She actually replied to my Day 7 email saying thanks for doing the dares but repeated the breakup speech about our differences in connecting intellectually and emotionally, reiterating that this won't change regardless of whether I do more things for her. She said "It is time to move on". This stab look about 5 minutes (longer than normal these days) for me to recover and I quickly turned focus back to God. I find strength in Ephesians 6, I have full armor of God, shield of faith, helmet of salvation and sword of the Spirit. I ended up replying saying it's not about doing things for her, it's about running this race with God and letting Him change me. More interesting news - She mentioned she never felt not being "cherished" by me and the cherished part is from my Day 6 email so this means she's been reading them.
Either way, I'm focused on running the race with God. I met with our counselor tonight and she said I need to pray about remaining strong and not lose faith and trust God even if we end up in divorce. Her point is God also respects us and provides us free will, so He will also not force her to love me. She said at the end, I will become a better person in Christ through this journey. I need to pray for strength to face the decision day whenever that is. She has been seeing the counselor once a week (that is good I think). I pray that she will reconcile with Jesus, whether our relationship works out at the end or not.
James, a big part of the molding process is trusting Christ. But not only trusting him with you, also your wife. While you are on this journey one of the hardest things for most is trusting him with the spouse. We continue to try to manipulate and control. So be careful how you write your emails. You do not want that at all, especially if she thinks that, she will believe there is no change.
And yes he gives us free will. And we have to be willing to accept the blessings and changes he gives us. And your wife has to accept the changes you make and love you. But with God all things are possible, and he knows what is best for us all.
Thanks Sean for the good advice as always. I will pray before sending an email each time - it's true that there's still something in me wanting to manipulate and control. Still thinking what I can do for Day 9, need to be creative... hm
James, when we are taking the dare, it is hard to change things that have become second nature... We just need to be aware. Because when we manipulate and control, we interfere with Gods plan. We always think we know our spouse better. But we have proven we dont. Heck thats why we are here.
Anyway, the day 9. Seems so simple, but it truly is a big one. And times when things are not so good, it is hard to greet someone that is not on the same page....