We met for dinner after I got off work tonight. I was going by to pick up the kids anyway, but because I had got off early she asked if i wanted to join them for dinner. I told her yes and we all went out.
Dinner mostly covered me talking with the kids and discussing my day limitedly with her. There have been more and more calls involving firearms in recent weeks. She told me she knew I could take care of myself but told me to be safe. I smiled meekly and otherwise didn't react. I have found her nice comments cut like a knife as they are usually followed up by something hateful later in the day.
We finished dinner and went to the store to get a few things. I didn't follow her around. I sent the kids on a mission to find a movie for us to watch, I looked around in vain for something I never found and that was about it. On the way to the store some guy was staring me down as we drove through the parking lot. I inquired to myself about what he was looking at and K began making a comment about how I haven't really changed and its in my nature to be aggressive. I didn't respond to her at all. I could have retorted could have fired something back. Could have but opted not to. I instead ignored the comment completely.
She dropped me off at my apartment so I could take some things inside and the kids went to her place to pack their bags for the evening. I went back over a bit later and got the kids. Rounded them up. I kissed her on the cheek and told her to have a good evening. And we left. No further conversations.
One of the areas I need margin in a bad way has to do with her. I have set myself up to analyze and examine and worry about every hiccup in her behavior. I check the phone log, hoping every day she had decided to stop talking to Scott. I worry if I don't send her the text messages telling her to have a good morning or good day, or good night. I have taken to telling her if she can't sleep, call me, hoping she will call me instead of Scott. I do all these things and then worry about them. I am so stressed and on edge it can't be healthy. I pulled a muscle in my neck the other day and it has not healed because of the amount of tension I have right now.
I need space from her. I need to get to a point where I am able to just exist and not worry about what she is doing or how she is doing it or anything of that nature. I need to get to a point where I internally believe God has this in his hands. Right now it is more of a hope. I find myself turing this over to him multiple times a day. Saying the same prayer over and over in hopes that not only is it true, but in hopes that I too will believe it.
Kids and I had a good evening and I actually slept last night.
I need more time for me. Time I am spending on me. I need more time with God, I have slacked off from reading the bible daily. I need to focus my time with the kids more effectively. And a little more time before the divorce can be final would be nice. We are at just over 40 days before they can set the final hearing. She wants to go file all the paperwork next week together, like we are in agreement on this process. I need more time. But I have been remembering something said in one of sermons I listened to several months ago. The pastor said Jesus' speciality is fixing broken things and bringing dead things back to life. That is my marriage. So I guess if that is to happen he can do it, and it doesn't matter how much time I think there is left to do it in.
May his will be done.
As your journey continues and the more you are able to focus on the Lord, you will see that those things you keep checking on are not as important.
As you trust His will, His plan more, you will see that those are ways for you to have some control in your mind and they will not be something you need to do.
Focus on the God each morning, and pray for the strength and guidance.
And as for the divorce, God is never late, He is always on time.
Margin. I need margin for more time with God. My husband wants a divorce, every time I "slip" up he threatens again. My son and step kids are in the middle of this. None of us like each other anyway. The first 5 days of this dare were little things, didn't seem to make any difference to my husband. I am trying to be obedient to God in this storm, but who is causing the storm? My husband.
I feel like David being chased by an angry Saul. Why is it that my husband causes so much drama for our entire family, involves even my siblings in this, then actually blames everything on me and my son? My husband's way is to run away every time we fight. Yet he is the one with the bad temper and short fuse, yelling and screaming and name calling to me and my son. I keep praying for me, for this, for him. God has even stopped his progress on the divorce twice now, but he keeps falling back on the divorce threat. How does anyone live through this constantly being threatened with divorce and not knowing where you are going to live maybe even as early as tomorrow? Why can't my husband just commit to working on this marriage instead of always running away? How can I focus on a love dare, on a marriage when my husband could take it all away? Is this like putting a bandaid on a gunshot?
And how can I even having feelings for someone who so callously and easily would tear up our family just because this is a tough time for us? I don't get this at all.
Beth,
Christ put this book in your hands for a reason. That reason (by what I just read) is probably because you are willing to accept what comes with it, before he would.
This is a journey with Christ. Not your husband. He is just a tool that is used. You need to look at your dares and figure where God is leading you. And you will be the testimony to your husband.
Humble yourself to Christ. He will never forsake you or the kids. Prayer is so powerful, and if you need guidance with it, in the appendix is great insight for it. There is also a great section on leading your heart.
Most importantly. You must give up any control or manipulation to Christ. And when your husband gets in his moods, prayer is the most powerful defuser.
I too am having a hard time. I found out something that deeply disturbed me. I forgave my husband and I was patient and kind. Its just makes it hard that he isn't patient like I am. I can make a small mistake and it gets magnified by 10. He has done some unforgivable things (in the worlds eye). I forgave him. I wanted to give up so bad, but I'm pressing forward because I beleive this book was given to me for a reason. I have saw some change in him. I just wish he could be more opne like I am. I feel like in a sense I'm allowing him to walk all over me. I know thats not the case. Unconditional love is hard ,but I'm going the distance to please GOD and save my marriage. My husband isnt understanding. I asked him to send me the 3 things and he questioned me and asked my why do I want to know. He still hasn't responded.
If he wants to know tell him, you are trying to make your life better.
Don't worry about his patience during this journey. Worry about yours. This is a journey with you and Christ. When you do, Christ lives in you, and you will be a testimony to everyone around you. Including your husband.
Prayer is the most powerful thing you can use right now. And Make sure you pray from a pure heart and not a selfish one. For great guidance read the entire appendix.
I too am have a hard time. Its like she has given up. I am at the end of my rope. Its like god wants me to fail. Its like he has left me to do this alone. I need prayer and guidance. Please somebody help me. I love her so much.
James,
we are here everyday. Do you have the book?
Can you tell us more?
Sean I can. For a while she was hiding phone called with her boss. Testing. When I finally found out she swore nothing happen. But she says she loves me but doesn't feel the same about our marriage. Im tired of hurting and want God to fix it. I know its his time but im tired. I don't have anyone who I can talk too and need some help, advice, prayer. I am trying the book and I see chagez and she has too. But its like she is not trying anymore. But some of the changes need to come from her. She had blame to place but not take any. I look at her phone and she flew off saying I don't give her privacy. I try but I wonder if the testing is still happening. She says I don't trust her but how can I when I found those other ones. I get to the point sometimes that I don't want this anymore and that I want a divorce. But then I know I love her and want to do everything I can to save our marriage.
I know you wont understand this yet. But Praise God.... You have asked Him into your life and He is there. This book, is not meant to be be tried. It is meant to be experienced. You cannot quit on it. That warning in the beginning is the most understated warning there is.
Take some time and read the appendix about leading the heart. Also check out the prayer guidance.
And I do not know what day you are on, but look at this statement - But some of the changes need to come from her. <--- That is not unconditional love my friend. That is not Aqape love. Just remember this, Love God first to love her better. And while you are doing this dare, not only will God humble you and mould you to more His image, but He will work on her as well.
And when you married. The oneness that Christ intended, there is no privacy.
Don't worry about her in this journey... Do you dares and thats it, let Christ do the rest.
Sean thanks fir the words of encouragement. Btw is this your web site. You ars on alot. Anyway. Things with us are not going good. She is going to tell me in two days whether she wants the divorce or she is going to commit on working on our marriage. I have not given up on prayer and I am hoping she will open het heart. But if she chooses the divorce then so be it. I can not keep going. Im tired and sick of hurting. I give she takes and still says she is not happy. Like I said I love het and I choose marriage but I can't keep going this way. It is making me sick. WHAT CAN I DO? I hope...no I pray God will intervene. I am on day 11.
No this is not my site. Yes, I am here daily when I can log on. In the first 18 years of my marriage it was more than anyone would every believe. and no matter what I tried and what I did, nothing could keep us together. But then I found the dare. It changed my life, it changed everything in my life. And I remember saying, why cant things just be the way they used to be. And now I say, if things every get that way again, somethings wrong. So even what I thought were the best of days, in all honesty, were not the happiness and love that Christ has blessed me with.
Day 11. Hmmm. What can you do? Well, read the entire appendix. Then realize that this 40 days is a journey between you and Christ. Not you and your wife. You wife is the tool that Christ will use to mold you. Only makes sense right? Thats what got you here in the first place.
Do your dares. Thats it..... Build your relationship with Christ. Remember we have a jealous God, and if you put your wife before Him, then there is a problem.
Think of it like this. This is a perfect time for Christ to humble you in many ways. In your time of need. He knows He has your attention. And I am sure you like me and everyone else, is an expert at asking what you need from Him. When you are in this state of Humbleness, He is wanting you to start becoming an expert in listening.
All this longing, and feelings and everything that you feel about your wife. Did you ever take a moment to think Christ is trying to get you to recognize that same desire He is having for you? And just as your wife is doing to you,.... You are doing to Christ.
Christ is love my friend. Without Him all you have is infatuation.
Thank you for the advice. Yes I focus alot of time on her. Its only when things don't go my way or the way I think do I get up set. But I don't want to loose my wife and I do want to be in christ will. She is going to tell me on Sunday if she wants a divorce. She is taking this time to think. I got one more day. Do I stop the dares or do I keep on. I know this is a walk to get closer to God. But I want my wife in this journey.
Of course you want your wife in this journey. Heck, thats what got you here in the first place.
But consider this. Christ is trying to mold you more in His image through this process. He wants your wife in it as well. But one of the greatest things about Christ is, Patience. He is a very patient God.
He put you on this journey first for a reason. He needs you to be the testimony that your wife will need when it is her time.
And your want is completely selfish right now. Deep down the only reason you want her on this journey is for your sake, not hers. You think that if she gets out of this what you are then she will come back and everything will get better.
Now here is the bad part. If you introduce it to her right now, then you have manipulated and took control back from Christ. That is not trusting Him.
Worry about your journey right now. Trust me, your way of doing things does not work.... Look where you are.
This is not easy... I know that. You think if I dont do this she'll be gone. I have til tomorrow.
So what happens if she comes to you and says she does want a divorce? What if she doesn't? Either way, you are in the same position you are now.
I was days away from the divorce going through, and now we are better everyday than the day we got married.
Stick to your dares. Do them. Listen and learn what Christ is doing in your life.