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Re: Day 6 - Wethering the Storm

Day 6 - Wethering the Storm

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  • Hello Love Dare community. This is my very first time doing this. I am at day 6.

    A little about my situation. I have been married for 12 years to my wife and they have been a roller coaster of beautiful and emotionally violent memories.

    I am a christian and my wife isn't. I have not been the best example of a godly man in our relationship. I have displayed outburst of anger, selfishness, bitterness and lack of support and love towards my wife the past 12 years. Back in 2014 she wanted a Divorce and I convinced her to try marital counceling after much prayer on my part I found a secular marital counselor that saved our marriage and I saw Fireproof back then as well. I really didn't pay too much attention to the film nor did I take it serious. We decided to leave counceling at the end of 2015 because we felt we were fixed and good to go. That was our mistake. As we entered 2016 that year was possibly one of our greatest years in terms of happiness and really getting along. Then when 2017 rolled in my wife added the one variable that always rocks our boat. Her passion for studying and education. My wife has told me she is a feminist and really feels that the man and woman in a household are equal. She doesn't believe in the bible but she does believe in Christ and that he did live and that he was crucified and resurrected. but thats it. She doesn't have a personal relationship with Jesus and I do in times of crises. Now moving fwd into July 2017 she has decided to pursue her CFA an exam that requires all her time and takes 3 years to obtain the license. Literally since July 2017 up until Dec 2017 she would work & study full time Mon thru Fri arriving home at 9 or 10 pm basically quality time with her husband ( myself ) was impossible. When Sat & Sun came she was so stressed that when she was with me physically her mind was thinking about the exam. Up until the point when Nov came I exploded with anger and anxiety because I missed my wife and tried to explain to her that baby I love you please try and balance your time correctly. Well that was the nail on the coffin. The argument was so bad that the neighbors called the cops cause they thought I may be hurting my wife but there was no physical violence the entire argument was verbal with a lot of screaming n yelling. Cops came but no arrest were made then they left. After that my wife said OK I am Done. I want a Divorce. Which leads me into the present. I spent xmas and New Years alone while she spent it with her sisters. I started going back to church and even fasted for 3 days with out food or water for a miracle or divine intervention. I made a close friend at the church the pastors son which advised me to do the Love Dare. So far for the past month Dec 2017 up until now Jan 4 2018 I have been loving, patient, supportive and controlling my anger outburst and faithfully doing this Love Dare one day at a time. No change yet my wife still wants a Divorce and we are seeing the same counselor that once saved our marriage is now counceling us to have an amicable and not hateful divorce through this difficult process. My wife and I are still living together in the same apt being civil with one another and searching for apartments. I had asked her if we can separate vs a divorce to see if this can be repaired in July 2018? but she said NOPE I made up my mind. I am done and want a Divorce. 

    I have been praying and doing this love dare now at Day 6. My wife has extended the option to be friends and also wants to move in the same area as me and has given me the option to pick our dog up and keep her for a few weeks. As we have gotten very close to our dog. I have been praying to Jesus to teach me to be able to display his form of love which is unconditional. Which she even wants me to help her find apartments and choses not to leave me stranded in this current apt but wants to be respectful and friendly with this divorce. I feel like christ being crucified daily as I do this Love Dare challenge. Hoping that she has a change of heart and not want a divorce. Her mother even called me and confessed my daughter LOVEs You with all her heart. Thats my entire story folks. 

     

     

  • Welcome.  This will be a journey between you and Christ, not you and your wife. She will be used as a tool to mold you. Do a dare a day, no more no less.  Do the dares as they are intended to be done, without manipulating them.  Do not have expectations of her when you do the dares.  Do not read ahead in the book, other than the appendix, espeically about leading the heart.  Things may get worse before it gets better. But if that happens, it will serve purpose.  Give her space.  

    Any councellor that is not for the marriage get rid of.  If your wife will agree and you continue counceling, find a christian one that supports marriage.

    your wife will be up and down with her emotions.  You stay consistent in what the dares teach.  

    If someone is to move out, i would say let that fall on her, if a d happens, let it be upon her, not you.

    Try to copy and paste this or journal in the Love Dare Journal section, under the community tab.  More people read that section.  But if you can't find it come back to this section.  

  • Hello Tim, Thank you for the quick reply. I appreciate your godly counsel. At this point in my life I truly don't feel alone in this storm. As for the counsellor. I have tried a christian counselor with my wife in the past and she doesn't really take any biblical advice serious. The present counsellor that saved our marriage convinced my wife back in 2014 to try and see if you can give the marriage another chance and it worked. Now when my wife approached the same counsellor my wife told her my intention isn't in repairing this marriage but helping us having an amicable divorce. So the counceler is following her lead. Your absolutely right in regards to my wife being up and down with her emotions. Today we had a very vulnerable conversation where I just listened and did not say a word. I was patiently listening to her. She confessed I honestly don't know what I'm doing if this Divorce is the best option. When we were with the counsellor a few days ago she said it with so much conviction. So your right she is so hurt, confused and lost.

    Now regarding the moving out part. If she moves out of the apt I can't afford the rent on my own. Meaning if she moves out I have to move as well. She advised I can leave now but I don't want to leave you alone paying the rent you can't afford. I don't know what to do but also look for an apt myself since she keeps asking please search for an apt. i don't want to be trapped here against my will. My wife says I want to move on with my life and so should you. As for the Divorce I said lets wait till we finally move out and she said ok. I am trying to stall that signing of the papers as much possible. But I agree I will let her make the moves regarding the Divorce.

    As of now I am doing a dare a day no more no less.

  • Trust in God's  divine providence for you.  That no matter what happens all will be good in your life.  God uses everything for the good of those that love Him.  Seek God's wisdom and strength in the tough moments.

    Keep giving her space.

    That's a tough situation with the apartment and so forth.  Pray He gives you the steps to take.  Or  not to take.

    Keep being patient and kind.  She needs time to see that the changes that are going to continue to happen in you through doing  the dares is really the new you and not just a ruse to win her back.

    and as  she sees the changes, she may become angry for a little while, thinking, why wasn't he always like  this?

    Eddie has mentioned in the other side  of this  site, under the community tab and Love Dare Journal section that the farther you can push out the d from happening the better chance of reconciling.  So, let as much fall on her if  a d happens.  And do your  best to be in the dares lessons.  And then you will know  you were pleasing to God  no matter what she chooses to do.

  • Good Morning Tim, Thank you for that advice. She has expressed to the counsellor that this new man that I have seen the past month I can't recognize. He is doing everything I wanted him to do in the past 12 yrs of our marriage but now it makes me sad and angry knowing that he knew all along but chose not to. I continue to pray everyday. The weird thing is we still sleep in the same bed but she does not make an attempt to cuddle only if i ask she says if you want to as if she feels sorry for me? Yesterday I broke down crying in the bedroom alone and she saw it but didn't do anything as she says I am totally drained I have nothing to give. She confessed to me I Love you with all my heart but I know this new you that I see will only last for a month or 2 or 3 or 4 and then you will eventually go back to your normal nature. The moment I stop going to church and prayer night on weds she is right I return to normal. These past weeks I have been so involved in prayer that it calms my soul and teaches me to love unconditionally. We have no kids and we were planning to buy a house this year and have a baby but now all that is in Gods Will.

    I will keep you posted as I do the dares. Day 7 today.

  • I copied and pasted the following from my previous reply, she has now said this too, so keep this in mind....

    Keep being patient and kind.  She needs time to see that the changes that are going to continue to happen in you through doing  the dares is really the new you and not just a ruse to win her back.

    and as  she sees the changes, she may become angry for a little while, thinking, why wasn't he always like  this?

    Keep in mind, this is a 40 day LD book, but it does not say in 40 days things will be back to normal.  You see the changes in you, she sees the changes in you but doesn't believe you can be this suddenly new you is a long term thing.  But, as you continue, you will see that these changes will become permanent, if you choose to continue this journey.  It will take more than 40 days, maybe many months, maybe a year or two.  You need to stay the course in the dares teachings and wait on God's timing, not yours.

    She has put a wall up, and she is determined to show you that her wall is permanent just like you want to show her your new you is permanent.  But the key is you have God on your side.  So, to justify to herself that the cold wall she put up is okay, she will not show you emotion when you want to cuddle or when she sees you hurt.  

    Try this next time you want to cuddle, seek His comfort vs getting a little comfort from her in some physical closeness.   God will fill all your voids.  Let Him.  Also, not trying to cuddle or seek her comfort will give her the space she needs.  And opens the door more fully for God to work in her.

    Take the pain she gives you and lay it at the foot of the cross.  And take the peace He offers you.

    You found the key   Remain in church, prayer, bible, fellowship, etc to help you stay in Christ.  She needs to see the light of Christ in you, even if she does not recognize what the new you is all about.  

  • WOW...This quote right here basically summarizes it all for me: Take the pain she gives you and lay it at the foot of the cross.  And take the peace He offers you. This is possibly the most PROFOUND advice I have gotten thus far. Your a true blessing Tim.

    Thank you so much. May Christ continue to bless your Godly wisdom & council Sir.

    Today we went to the Gym together ran 3 miles on the treadmill side by side then had dinner together at our favorite restaurant and then I completed Dare #7. Crazy thing is if you was a stranger seeing our behavior from the opposite side of the gym or restaurant you would think we are the perfect couple.

    It was another peaceful & find and loving day today. Its just tuff at times cause my mind keeps questioning what are you doing Rolando she is Divorcing you and moving out? I keep rebuking those thoughts in Jesus Name.

  • Thank you.  Anything I say I learned reading the journal section of this site.  Anything that does not make sense is from me.

    Before a d happens, God will have a lot to say to her.  And what she says and what she does will so often conflict with each other.  She often will not know what she is thinking or even doing.  She may even deny or not remember doing some things.  

    Right now, trust not so much in what she says or does, but pour all your trust into God and His divine providence for you, no matter what she chooses to do.

    Enjoy the times you have with her that are good such as yesterday.  And then let God know you appreciate what He did for you yesterday, but you enjoy Him so much more than you enjoyed the time with your wife.  

    It will be easy to place comfort in your wife and yesterday at times, but, place all your comfort in Jesus.  Because even in the best marriage the spouse will disappoint the other spouse.  So, when your peace and comfort come from God, a human can not truly disappoint.  

    Now, she may realize that she let her wall down having a good day with you.  And she may then choose to put her wall back up to prove to you and her that she is justified in her decision.  But if she does put her wall up, do not fear.  She probably won't keep it up so high for too long.  And remember, if you feel fear, worry, anxiety, it is not of God, but of evil.  Peace is from God.  

    The questioning of what you are doing.  That is from the flesh and what the world has taught us from the day we are born, to be selfish and self centered.  Keep rebuking and knowing you are not going to be the one to break up a covenant you entered with God and her.

  • Hello Tim, So I have been praying about this whole apartment situation between me and my wife? Here is my logic of thinking based off what you and my two other pastors are telling me that are in sync with "Let her make the first move" regarding moving out and a Divorce. So Fact # 1 I will need to move out and find my own apartment cause I can't afford it. Fact # 2 As its my wives decision to move out and a Divorce according to your council let her cast the first stone and move out and then Rolando will begin searching for apartments. I still have my security deposit that can give me a buffer for 1 more month on my own if my wife left me. I would need to find an apartment in 1 month.  If I told my wife baby cause I love you and want you to be at peace and happy I will help you find an apartment but don't concern yourself with me I will figure things out. Thats option # 1 Tim. If I did that I know she would say of course the old selfish Rolando thinking about himself while here I am thinking about us as I leave and don't want to leave him stranded. Option # 2 we both search for apartments as a team even though I don't want to move out and please my wife knowing that we are both comfortable upon this transition and I leave my wife thinking atleast he went stubborn and trying to get his way? I don't know Tim this is why i am so confused.

  • It just seems like either move is difficult. As I recently advised my wife. Baby relax and lets take our time searching for an apartment thats good for both of us an our dog. She said fine but don't expect me to stay here till April. I want to move on with my life. I said ok. She says don't plan on keeping me stuck here against my will. Ohhhh boy. I think after I am done with the 40 day love dare Feb 7, 2018 . I will need to make a decision Tim. I just need to find peace and be of unconditional Love and Christ like in this decision so it does ruin the testimony and progress I have been making thus far with her? I don't want to behave one way and have her say yeah theres the good ole selfish Rolando back I new it. I want her to make decisions and like you advised allow God to work on her after she moves out and considers a Divorce. What are your thoughts Tim?

  • Before I forget, remember to pray upon anything I say to you before following or considering my words.  

    I think you should seek wisdom in prayer in how to handle the apartment thing.  God may just choose to order your steps and reveal to you the steps you should take right up to the time you need to take these steps.  

    For some reason, i just don't feel an answer coming on how to respond to what you are asking.  

    It is good though that she is willing to give you time.  

    Also, often times when we stand for the marriage even if it's against what our spouse is requesting, it will not take away from our testimony like we fear, but can be seen as us standing for our marriage, and standing for God's will for the marriage.

    i would suggest thinking about copying your last replies about the apartment and pasting the replies in the Love Dare journal section, under the community tab.  Maybe someone else on this site can provide some insight for you to think about.  If you choose to share with the others in this community and can't figure out how to do so, please come back here and I will try to explain how to.  this site is great for getting help, but sometimes not the easiest to use.  Also, in the other section on this site, it often can time you out and you will lose what you type, so some people type their entry in a word document and then copy and paste it to there journal.  

    When things that seem difficult to handle or you really are unsure what route to go, you can be blessed in the hardship, because you are forced to rely on God even more so.

    Sorry not much help.  

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