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Re: Days 1-6 and a Huge Realization!

Days 1-6 and a Huge Realization!

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  • So far this is day 6 of my journey. I have been reading lots of good stuff here especially from Sean. Thank you all. I truly understand that this is a journey between me and Him and my wife is just a tool.

    The first 2 days were fairly simple since I am usually kind and patient. It was tough because these last few weeks the weekend is my worst time since she is planning on go out with her friends. I understand and will not get into it here. But all in all I was patient and calm with her and was able to do things out of the blue for her that she appreciated.

    Great on Monday was Day 3 and I just bought and had a bouquet sent to her. She loved them and stated she loves me very much. I know she does but it is not exactly the love we had before. Good results overall but the evening was a little tough for her with some realizations on her situation and feelings of being trapped. I let her know that I am giving her the space she needs to find herself and I will be there when she is ready. 

    Day 4 was OK. I did call her and performed the dare as stated and was well received. She was having a rough day and had a bout of depression in the evening. I tried a little to hard to help her and talk but that was not well received. I held back and let God take control. I was a bit down myself but held strong and prayed that night.

    Day 5 was good. I performed the task and got a surprising response that nothing is wrong with me, that I and good overall. I asked I want to know the 3 things to make me a better person overall. She thought it was my prying more into her depression yesterday and asked to drop it but ended saying you are already being the best. I wrote down my own faults that I know I have and that she has mentioned in the past. I will no doubt do this journey more than once and hope to get better feedback then.

    Day 6 is similar to day 1 and I am doing good so far. I have been tested already and just responded in a calm and loving manner. I know I will have more tests today so i will be ready. I do need to make more time for the important things in my life and be less selfish. Mostly with God and my kids.

    ...And that is when it hit me like a ton of bricks...

    I had a huge realization about me and my life and why I am here now.

    I was listening to the radio and heard a song that took me back to my high school days. And I started thinking about who I was then and how I was. It hit me that ever since junior high and high school I have always been desperate and wanting to be in a relationship with a girl. I have always been kind and loving but it was for selfish reasons. I wanted to have a girlfriend someone to be with. I would read all the signs wrong and fall for all the wrong girls. Then throughout my senior year and first 2 years of college I was trying to make relationships with any girl that talked to me even at bars and clubs. I was desperate for companionship. I finally met my wife and I held on to that for the rest f my life. I did it all for selfish reasons. Was she the right one? Yes but I may have been blinded by my selfishness to not be alone.

    Well I got my self in a mess after 18 years with her because of more selfishness and now I am in fear of losing my wife and relationship. My fear once again is selfish in not wanting to be alone. And in going over this in my mind is when I realized that I have been fighting my entire adult life for a relationship with the wrong person.

    What I should have been fighting for was a relationship with Christ. This is the time to fix that and make it right. This is my test to be with Him not anything else. My wife and truly the tool. I have been focused on the wrong fight for way too long. I need to fix this ASAP and then with faith all the pieces will fall into place. I have been trying to control my destiny my way instead of leaving to God.

    I get it. I finally do. I really look forward to learning more.

  • Did you post this in the journal section as well? I thought I responded to this post already.

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