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Re: not allowed to be upset?

not allowed to be upset?

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  • I've read the dares through Day 10 now and I understand about letting love take over the negative feelings and thoughts.

    But I guess I don't understand why being upset isn't a valid feeling. When my husband does something he knows I hate, repeatedly, why can't I be upset? If all I do is put on my fake happy face and say something nice, aren't I just making it ok for that behavior to continue (which it has...continues whether I'm being overly kind or overly crabby) versus putting up a fight and telling him it bothers me and I'm upset about it. 

    So then what? While I'm unhappy with his actions, I just need to keep being fake happy so as not to appear "irritated"?

    And honestly, it IS a fake pleasantness that I'm being. I'm very upset with him and he doesn't care. My feelings have been hurt a lot and his attempts to change have been half-assed and unsuccessful. So when does acting out the dares become my actual feelings? They're hard to do when you don't love the person... I thought doing them would transform my disdain into like which would maybe turn back into love.

    I feel lost and annoyed that I'm not allowed to feel anger and that I even want to.


  • You are missing the whole point. When you are irritated etc... because of his actions, it is more than likely selfishness that you are feeling. Really sit and think what irritates you. Why? Is it really hurting anything? Here is the problem right now, you will probably justify it in your own mind.

    It seems your pride has been crushed if you say you do not love him.

    This dare is a journey. One between you and Christ. It will teach you the true meaning of love and how to love as Christ loves. Take some time and read the appendix about leading the heart.

    And you will start to feel the dare in your life when you can accept Christ and focus on Him.

    And if you cannot accept Christ to help you do that, you are still living in the worlds way of love and you will get no where.

  • This is my first post. I am on day 6 and needing inspiration. I really connected to this post. elle23 is describing a lot of how I feel.

    My husband is very disconnected, depressed, and is unwilling to participate in family events or life in general. He won't go on family outings. He has stopped going to church with us. He won't even sit in the same room as me. I don't understand why he is pulling away. We've become so diconnected. This makes me very irritated. I am having a difficult time NOT being irritated with this. I don't understand how letting my husband become more distant, and filling the void in my heart with Christ, is going to help me love my husband more or become less irritated with him. I think filling my hearts' void with more Chist will make me closer to Christ (which I can certainly use), but I don't see how it will make me closer to my husband. I feel like if I require my husband to do less things with our family then we will spend less time with each other and become more distant.

    Am I doing this journey for the wrong reason? This book was recommended by a therapist for the both of us to help resolve some issues, help us reconnect, and learn to commuicate/meet each others needs more effectively. Is this book's sole intent to bring me closer to God?

    I can accept that I am being selfish by wanting my husband near me, in the same room as me, and enjoying spending time together. That is something my heart and flesh wants desperately. Am I supposed to give up that desire entirely (because it irritates me when that need is not met)?

  • punkinnoodle, it is definitely a tough place to be in...for both you and your husband I can assure you.

    The more you try to control the situation, the more he will pull away.  The more irritation you show with his distance, the more distance he will continue to put between you.  Why?  Most likely because he feels that he can't make you happy no matter what he does.  And you know what?  He's right.  Just like you can't make him truly happy.  You've tried and yet he is depressed and disconnected.

    As humans, we will err.  We will make mistakes.  We will let each other down and we will leave needs unmet.  If we look to our spouses as our primary source of happiness, we are sure to be unhappy - eventually.  There is only One who can and will bring us true joy.  We (yes, I am as guilty as anyone) are just too stubborn to let Him.

    I am only on Day 13 myself but I have already experienced changes in my life that have made me feel better.  Notice I didn't say changes in my marriage, although it is moving in a positive direction.  Yes, the book's primary intent is to bring you closer to God - specifically, as I see it thus far, to help you understand what LOVE is according to God, not according to the world.  We easily get the two confused.

    When I started 13 days ago, I had no feelings for my wife.  At all.  Didn't want divorce because of the impact it would have on our family but the feelings were gone.  I started the Dare because I knew something had to change.  Two weeks later, they are back and in a way that I have never experienced before, because I am for the first time truly making an effort to understand what love is.  And I still have a long way to go.

    Does that mean it will happen for you in two weeks like it did for me?  Not necessarily because we all enter this in different places.  But I can assure you, if you do it right, it will impact you tremendously and will find yourself being drawn closer to your husband as you draw closer to God.

    You ask if you are doing this journey for the wrong reason.  What IS your reason?  If it is to change your husband, then yes, you are doing it for the wrong reason.

    I hope Sean or Jenn weigh in on this as well, because those two have FAR greater insight than I do.  As Sean always suggests, read and give heavy credence to the appendix on leading your heart.

  • John has a testimony here in his post. He is only part way through. And as you can see, by reading his post, his reasons for this journey started out for selfish reasons, just as all of us. But then we come to realize, especially with how this dare, this journey shows us that we dont know what love is. We know what the world shows us, but that is not Christs love, and since Christ is love, how can we know what it is?

    So here is the best way to think about this. This love dare is a journey. Yes, it is one between you and Christ, not you and your husband. Your husband will be a tool. A tool that Christ will use, to mold you, not only to be in His (Christ) image, but to mold you into being able to understand God's unconditional love.

    Right now you cannot be focused on your husband. Not saying forsake him, by no means. But focus on what Christ is trying to show you in each of these dares. And trust Christ, to help you do the dares as they are intended and not be manipulated as you think how they should be done. The success of the dare is not the response. It is you trusting Christ. There will be times that rejection comes, and it will be humbling. And that is still success because you are leading your heat not following the emotions to do it your way. And just as I was reminded a number of times, I will remind you... It was our ways of doing things that got us to this point!

    For more daily activity, the journal section is monitored more often if you would like to see some other things people are learning about this journey.

  • I definitely echo what Sean and John have already expressed.

    We usually start this journey with the intent to save our marriage and change our spouse. As you start walking this road you realize that is not at all what the journey is about, which is what Sean is talking about.

    John mentioned not having any feelings for his wife when he first started. Same was for me when I felt the call to stand for my marriage. A month before I started the Love Dare I took some time away by  myself. I was ready to give up on my marriage. Divorce felt like the only option. I was numb to any feelings for my husband. Angry. Irritated. But I could not deny what Christ placed on my heart (keep in mind - Christ and I were no where near a relationship that we were now, but I couldn't shake "this call"). So after a month of pleading with my husband to work with me on saving our marriage I finally got the clue that this was not going to play out like I thought it would. Then the Love Dare came into play. A long journey (7 rounds - 9 months) that I would not change for the world. While I experienced and felt things I never imagined possibly in my life - God did an AMAZING change in my heart and eventually my husband followed suit. After a year and a half separation and on that road to divorce (in my hubby's eyes)...we were reconciled (PRAISE GOD!)

    That being said - there are a lot of vital pieces to this journey - Trusting Christ, letting go letting God, give up control, no manipulation, LEAD your heart, patience!...

    You both (elle, punkinnoodle) - have been called to this journey for good reason. Embrace it. Seek His wisdom. Allow Him to guide you every step of the way. Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE with Christ!

  • Punk, you still around?

  • I feel the same way.. I love my husband.. I want him to want to try, want to spend time with me.. But, I know I need God and everything else will fall into place. I can't make him do anything. All I can do is tell him how I feel and give it to God. It worked the first two days I started praying again. Not so much now... I feel it's worse.

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