Day 45—Love is still not Rude
“Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.”
I should be at a point where nothing surprises me anymore because I am trusting in God’s plan, but that is not the case and I have come to the conclusion that I love the surprises—the surprises are God showing He is working—that my eyes and heart are awakened to it now. Praise God for that! Today was certainly no exception.
As I had mentioned yesterday, I texted my husband asking how he was feeling due to finding out a week ago that he was having some stress related health issues. I did not get a response back. Out of the blue today though, I did—“Besides the depression and waking up at 3am crying I feel like crap. They don’t know what is going on with me. The last time I went to the doctor they asked me to take a mental health questionnaire and gave me information on counselors.”
I was shaking when I read that. “God is working” is the first thing that came to my mind. He is starting to break. That sounds so harsh, but it is what it is. It is where I was two months ago—completely broken.
Since I was at a work-training, I hadn’t responded right away. A couple hours later I had a missed call from him. I texted him real quick asking if everything was okay, that I would call him when I was done. He responded with, “I just need you to change the name on the PSE bill.” Then a couple more hours went by and he called again and since I missed it, he texted, “Can you talk?” This was literally at the same time I was just about to pick up the phone and call him myself since I was now at home and settled.
I called him and we first talked about the PSE bill. I then asked him about his text regarding his health. That turned into a 2 hour conversation! He expressed how he has never felt so horrible in his life and does not get how this is so ‘easy’ for me. I felt God’s presence all over the conversation. I was able to express that by no means is this easy for me, but I have a strength I’ve never had before. That I don’t expect him to understand right now where I am coming from, but it is by the strength of Christ that I am where I am. I was able to open up to him about my own hurt from choices both him and I have made that I have not been able to truly express in the last couple months due to his anger. This time though I felt he was really listening rather than interrupting me left and right. He is still adamant about us not being able to work and that we are over, in which I told him is his choice and that I am still not giving up. He continually told me he was alone. It felt good to be able to tell him he is NOT alone—that Christ is with Him. I told him I was there for him too, but even though he feels I am not—he is still not alone. God even opened up the door for me to complete today’s dare in what I believe was His way—I asked my husband if there was anything I was doing that was irritating him or making him feel uncomfortable. He said there was nothing irritating, but he felt uncomfortable around me. He brought up when he came over to do the taxes together. He said his heart was beating out of his chest. I took that as a good thing whether he meant it that way or not. I reciprocated by telling him mine was too, but with excitement. I was honest though and told him that I have learned not to have expectations—prime example—that night did not turn out like I thought because of the anger he was still expressing.
I felt so blessed to have had the opportunity to talk to him like this. It is the first time in a very very long time that I really believe he was hearing what I was saying and was not responding from a place of pure anger. I have also not heard him cry in a long time and it got to that point tonight—we were actually crying together. I simply asked him, “Do you think people can change?” After beating around the bush a little bit, he finally answered with, “yes.” I told him even though he does not see it, I have changed. I have never been in such a place before with God. That I am NOT the same ‘person’ I was two months ago and I never want to go back to being that ‘person.’ He responded with, “It’s too late.” My response, “I respectfully disagree.” He ended the conversation there just saying he needed to get off. I let him know I still care deeply for him and to have a good night.
I then go to complete my journal entry and it hits me – that is why God did not want me send that email response on Friday. I had it saved in my drafts box and read it again. Here is what I had written five days ago based on his harsh email—
You are right. God did not hurt you and He is not involved in cheating/lying/deception. All those things you mention were before I got on the right path, but it was those things that made me realize my life was completely out of control and I was at rock bottom. I NEVER want to go there again. Worst. Place. Ever. I was awakened to everything I have done wrong, to all of my selfish ways, to the hurt I have caused so many people. It is through Him, though, the changes have been able to take place. Ones I've never experienced in my life. Yes, I probably was the most selfish person you KNEW, but if that is still what you think, then respectfully, I disagree with you. You are pulling from the past. God HAS molded me. That is why I have the strength I do and the forgiveness for your infidelity. It can only come from His love and guidance.
God is not doing this to you. It is the flesh that is doing this. I did this to you with my choices. You made choices. We did this to ourselves. Not Him.
You have NOT lost me. You may think you have in your mind, but you haven't because as I've said - I am still here.
You would have thought I was reading that during my conversation with him tonight, but I wasn’t. What I wrote above was just a snippet of our conversation, I literally touched on every point that email said and didn’t even realize it. You can’t make this stuff up! God is good!
Christ must really be placing the conviction in his life right now. Because he is trying to follow his heart and it is getting him no where.
Your testimony is slamming through.
Wow... This is so powerful... I keep trying to read through your everdays but i had to skip to the recent. I'm so amazed by your testimony. :) God is truly leading the way.
To make it easier for you, she writes these entries in her journal as well.