Wow, so I am really, really struggling with this one. Our counselor has even weighed in on this, to try and help me! My husband's tone of voice and frustration level is a big problem for me. Most of the time I don 't know what I do that frustrates him....the main thing is "I don't pay attention to things" and am a bit ditzy. That's all we (counselor and I) can get out of him....
If I ask him something...anything....he questions me sharply about why I am asking, why didn't I ask before (if I just thought of it...etc). I feel like NO MATTER WHAT I DO NOTHING PLEASES HIM.
I can 100% relate to the wife in the movie. We watched it together, and I am just praying it made some sort of impact.
I really need help. Over the past few months, my self-esteem has been in the toilet. Sometimes I make up excuses to do things so I don't have to be around him...yes, I am that fearful of his criticism, tone, etc. (and yes....he is aware, but just thinks i am being too sensitive and emotional....he won't even meet me halfway when the counselor politely suggested that maybe he doesn't really hear how his tone comes across....).
I also discovered a coworker flirtation (his coworker).
I really, really NEED HELP. I just want to cry everyday. But I have to keep it together for my two year old and my job (yes, I work full time). All of the housework is on me....all of the childcare is one me....and I work a 40 hour week.
I just don't know what to do. I am trying my best, but nothing is good enough.
That is the problem... You are trying your best.
Now, take the time to do this journey one day at a time. And soon you will see that the world is not what it seems.
If you have not read the appendix (the entire thing) take time to do it now.
Now, one of the biggest problems you have that you may not realize. Is you will manipulate the situation to "Fix it". That is something in this journey that does not work. In fact it will make things worse. Because your manipulation will come with expectation that will just let you down.
You need to trust Christ in this journey. Not your self, not your counselor, not your husband... This is Christs time to mold you.
For example, you sat and had your husband watch the movie with you and now you hope it works... Guess what... He doesnt care. He did not get out of that movie what you did.
Now that does not mean he wont. At this time Christ has chose you for this journey because your mind is open to Christ molding you. But your husband a total different situation. It will be your testimony of what Christ changes in you during this journey that will change your husband.
But I will tell you, the more Christ molds you the more your husband will despise the changes... Because he will find true desire to have what you do. And internal happiness with Christ.
I share your issues....my husband and I are separated and I have tried asking before I started the love dare what I could change or do differently....got nothing from him. So today, on Day 5 for me, I will ask again and I don't think I will get an answer. But I will ask anyway and if he doesn’t tell me anything today maybe he’ll think about it and I’ll get a reply later. All I can do is ask.
I too work full time, have 2 kids, and felt I carried lots of the weight around the house. It was very hard, and for years before our separating there were times I would get so frustrated because he wouldn't help out. I wish I’d found this resource before our marriage fell apart, but I am coming to realize that God is trying to use this in some way in my life. It is part of His plan for me, as frustrated as it makes me I’m trying to see that He has a purpose for everything that is happening. I just keep telling myself that I am a vessel of pottery and the fire will create a beautiful shiny glaze when all is said and done. It doesn’t take away the pain or lessen the sadness I feel day to day, but I am trusting Him that He knows what is best and He sees the end result, something I cannot do myself. Letting go is soooooo hard!!
I can relate to her as well, the wife in the movie, that entire story is MY story. I begged my husband to watch it with me, but he said he just wasn't into that right now so I watched it alone. He won’t go to counseling with me, says he doesn’t need to be “fixed” so I went alone. I share your feelings that you just want to see a result, even a little sign that something you are doing is making an impact, but I’m learning that isn’t the purpose of this journey. I am not doing this for him, I’m not doing this to change him. I’m doing it to change ME! And hopefully he will see the change in me and it will consequently affect him in a positive way, hopefully it will eventually save my marriage, but I have to accept that it may not.
God has a plan for me. He knows what is best, and He is in control of this situation. I messed up my marriage, but now I have to move over and let Him clean it up. I have to let him guide me, use me, and show me what He wants me to do.
I’ve already had many moments that I’ve said, “Now wait a minute God…are you SURE that’s what you want me to do? I think it would be better if I did this instead…”
But I keep finding that when I try to reach over and grab that steering wheel, we veer off in a ditch. I’ve got to just be obedient and trust. It is not easy, but I am trying my best to get out of His way and let Him have control.
Praise God for that ditch!! LOL...
Also I must point out. In the first paragraph you mentioned about asking what you can change... Why? Christ is going to mold you through this journey to make you the best wife you can be...
What if the changes your husband suggests is not in line with what God has in store for you?
Or better yet. Is that not trusting Christ, by taking control again?
Think and pray about it.