Today, I woke up ready. Ready for anything and everything.
Before I showered and layed down in my bed last night, I sent my wife a text saying just a simple "goodnight chels" and she replied with a "night".. it made me feel kind of good.. like she still cares a little. She then asked me about an hour later how the house was that I went to go look at, but i didnt answer her.. i just went to sleep.
Today was great for me. I went to work ready to accomplish anything. Yes I still had her on my mind, yes I wanted to call her and beg her to come back in my arms... but I didnt. I just went out on the flightline and did my job like I was meant to do.
I came inside a little later and checked my phone and noticed she texted me asking if i was going to stay with my supervisor or if i was going to move into the house that i had looked at last night, she also asked me if she needed to come to our house and let my dog out. I replied yes, if you would please let him out and let our other dog that she took play with him a little bit. she said "ok".
I didnt say anything to her the rest of the day, until right before I was about to go home from work. I said, "tell me 3 things about me that irritate you or bother you since we have been together" . Of course she asked "why". I replied "i am trying to make myself better, it is time for some self improvement, and also just because"
She replied... "you didnt trust me, and i felt like i couldnt be myself with you. You have mood swings when you are on and off weightlifting suplements (not steroids i dont do that), and you wouldnt get the hint when i didnt feel like having sex." I just replied with a simple "Ok." She then said that those are the main 4 things.
I then said, "have a good night Chels" as i was leaving work and she said, "you too".
It made me feel good that even though that was all through text messaging, she actually discussed something like that with me. Before she wouldnt talk to me about it at all. Is this a sign? Are things starting to move forward? All I can do is pray about it...
After that, I feel like I made have made a minor mistake, but I kept everything positive. I was checking our bank account and noticed she spent $150 somewhere and $60 at walmart. So, i said, "the leasing company still hasnt cashed our rent check for july, where did you spend $150 at?" she replied,"i got new boots". I said, "ok just wondering :) did you get marauders?". She said "Yes". I said, "Nice. I need to go to walmart and get groceries just so you know". She said, "Ok. I went to walmart today too for dog food". I said, "yeah I saw you spent 60 there too.." She didnt reply to that.
I tried to keep everything i said to her as positive as possible, I dont want any confrontations even though we only communicate through text messaging.
I saw her at work when she got there for her shift before it was time for me to go and she wouldnt even look at me or say anything.. that hurt.. but I just acted like it didnt bother me.
All I can do is pray about this now. Everything is obviously in God's hands. I know and feel that I have absolutely zero control over this, and I am ok with that now. I read the appendixes in the back of the book and it was like BAM! everything is so clear now. what I need to do and how I should go about doing it. I am just going to keep on keeping on.. even though the divorce papers have been filed and I am about to move into my own place.. I still want her back so bad. Its destiny, and through God I know that whatever is best for me and my relationship is going to happen.
2 things...
First... Even checking the account to see what she is up to is not trusting Christ. Dont worry about what she does. Worry about your journey. When you think of her, ask Christ for comfort and His will.
second. No more responses as just "ok". A thank you would have been better.
Start investing in her. Remember when you first saw her? How did you treat her? I am sure it was not that way. You are starting not from 0 but from -100. Back then she did not know you, now she not only knows you, she can only see the negatives.
And it WILL get worse before it gets better. Remember that. But trust Christ. He will never give you more than you can handle
Thanks, Sean. I'm trying my hardest.
That may be part of the problem. You are depending on your abilities...
Give it to Christ. Make Him first. Focus on your journey with Him.
He will handle the rest.