So I got a hard dose of heart break again today. The first time around, my husband didnt answer the question, this time... he wouldn't stop. I know it's all a part of God's plan, but he makes everything sound so final. It was hard to hear without crying, I shed a tear or two, but did not argue. He asked me several times why I wanted to know & I finally said to better myself. He came back with " the stuff that annoys me may not annoy anyone else".
Well, he told me just by asking me the question, and the letters (dare 39) & doing the nice gestures and buying him the gifts... those were all annoying to him becasue he said it made him feel like I wasn't listening to what he wants- which is to have nothing to do with me. He said those are the kind of things you do when you are in a relationship with someone & we don't have that. He told me he sees his life going in a different direction & I am not on the same page as him & we've been growing apart for a long time. He also mentioned that he has been reserved with me for too long and he can't do it anymore. He wants to move out but cant due to finances. He complained about sleeping on the couch. He said he wants his own bank accout & that he HATES being at home. He is bored every night once the kids go to sleep & thats why he HAS to go out on the weekends because that's how he releases stress. He harped on me for not finishing my certification yet, though admitted that it was becasue of him that I wasn't working right now. He is very stressed with our finances, but doesn't see how his senseless spending and driving and hour+ away to "hang out" affects our money flow. He told me I should try to find someone else becasue I'm a very nice & great person. thats part hurt a lot...
Honestly, I just wanted to pack my clothes & get the kids and go my parents house. But I kept saying little prayers. I know God was with me. When all was said and done I thanked him for his imput. It was all very hard to hear but as I think about it, were the nails driven into CHrists hands and feet any easier to bear? It may not be easy for me to hear my husbands plans for "later" when he can move to his own place and how to split time with the kids & that he'll have to pay for everything...but I keep telling myslef it's all a part of God's plan...Yes it hurts, but I know God's got somethign great planned for me. I hope it is my husband, but if not at least I know true love and how to love unconditionally. I trust Him :)
Funny- I kind of sensed soemthing like this would happen...but I also knew that God knew best & I trusted Him to lead me through this dare. He sure is amazing :)
When you learn to listen to others in their "rants" you will soon learn that the changes Christ is making in your heart is actually convicting the other so much they do not know how to deal with it. So the venom comes about. They cannot understand that in their miserable life you should not be happy and be able to get through without being as unhappy as they.
Yes this journey get worse before it gets better. And the reason I say worse, is because these situations are teaching you and molding you to be more in Christs image. You have to experience this to be where Christ wants you to be.
But the more it happens the more of a blessing you realize it is. Then when the venom breaks and the submit to Christ, it is so wonderful. I do not know if you realize it or not, but your humbleness is such a testimony right now. Just keep it up.... Make Christ first, and worry about your journey with Him....
Watch and see what happens.
This is encouraging to read....I don't understand yet why my husband can be so nice then suddenly change and do or say such hurtful things for seemingly no reason. At times it seems as if he is plotting up ways to hurt me, but I know that is not the case. Hearing that it may just be conviction working in his life helps....I just feel like he is venting hatred sometimes and it is very damaging to the self esteem.
Feel free to read my posts & journals on my journey... still on round 6 :)
One of the hardest parts is giving up "understanding" why he does/says something. When my husband did (and believe me, it got realy nasty sometimes) I would go straight to prayer. It's hard. But I am grateful for every little moment...
Remember, God will never let you go... He will be there always. Have faith & trust in Him a little more each day- He'll guide you wherever you need to be :)
Conviction is Gods way of starting the molding process. Your husband is going to do everything he can to regain control of not only the marriage but you. These Changes Christ is doing within you scares the heck out of him. As humans we need reaction, even if it is negative. And all the ways he used to get under your skin that no longer work will drive him crazy. Eventually he will feel the change and realize that you are the person he fell in love with.
This is all part of Christs plan. It helps in His molding you in this journey. You will need to learn to be humble, kind, unconditional.....