Some reflection - I started this Love Dare journey with selfish motives hoping God will bring her back through my actions... something *I* can do and if *I* put in enough hard work God will fix my marriage. Throughout the journey, God taught me many lessons and each lesson drew me closer to Him and made me trust Him more - it does feel like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute and trust Him to protect me. I've grown so much in these 40 days, learning who He is and what his love is like, so this might be funny to say but I do thank Him with all my heart for allowing this to happen. Otherwise, I would always be blind and now I'm starting to see. He taught me that the journey is not about bringing her back or fixing the marriage, but about me and Him - just love her unconditionally and trust Him with the rest. "Letting go" is such a cliche sometimes but I didn't know what it really meant until now ... It is the hardest thing for me because I always liked to control but now I'm learning to move on with Christ, let go and let Him deal with it.
We've been separated for 2.5 months now and we're selling our home that we built together with my heart, soul and mind. There have been signs that she's starting to question her decision to leave and thinking about God. I have no intention to interfere, but if He wants to use me in any way then I'll submit to His plan. I still struggle very much with God's way vs. my way because I'm still an imperfect being and I make mistakes. However, I learned very clearly to recognize it when it is my way (maybe not immediately but definitely some time afterwards) and then correct my thinking or thoughts. The most recent example is when I completely broke down because I was so lonely and emotionally tortured thinking of her affairs. I wanted to send a "let's divorce" type email to her then He gave chapter 39 on Love endures to stop me. I cried out to Him and He gave me strength to persevere.
I emailed her today letting her know about Day 40 and shared a bit on my journey with Him. She replied very casually with thanks and a few words about how God touches our hearts in most difficult of circumstances. Did I send it in hope to get a reaction from her, maybe I was interfering again. She will be out of town for a conference and vacation for 2 weeks. I was supposed to tag along as it was a trip we booked together couple weeks before the breakup. I still have the time off from work so it will be a good opportunity for me to reflect what happened in this journey so far. I'm totally exhausted but at the same time very excited to see what He has in store for me in the future. He has a big plan for me and for her. I don't know what the plan is but I know that He is perfect. The journey is far from over and I look forward to more lessons from Him.
And remember it is a lifetime journey.... This is just the beginning.
So are you going to start from the beginning again?
Indeed this is a lifetime journey. Thanks for the challenge to start this again but I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can wait for her. Just when I wanted to stop I saw the Love Dare book sitting on the table next to my laptop. I picked it up and looked at the first chapter again "Love is patient". I couldn't help but to read it again, maybe it's a sign from God. This could be an opportunity to check off the dares I didn't complete first time around! Day 41...
This dare is leading you on a lifetime journey.... In reality, it has nothing to do with her. She is just a tool that Christ is using for you to learn what Christ wants you to learn.
So, you are not waiting for her during this. You are growing with Christ each day. And when she comes back, she will have a lot of catching up to do. Which will take you on a whole new journey... And patience will be the biggest part of that as well.