Collaborate without boundaries

Re: just a mess....

just a mess....

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  • It took me 2 days to get this dare off the road.

    I just could not help but tell God that I do not feel secure and that this is not from my heart but I am just doing it because the dare has told me too.

    It was so hard and especially since the last dare, dare39, got a silent treatment, the last thing i needed was to start declaring how I will "Always" love this person.

    This really got my goat!

    I mean I am so exposed now, I just feel a fool and of course I wrote the vows out after some prayer and getting inspiration from other sources just to get going.

    I put the vows in a frame and hung it in the living room wall.

    Spouse said nothingh about it and drank beer all night.

    I did something that I later saw was an act of selfishness and it backfired. He was unyeilding and it hurt me so much. I thought that after all I have been dishing out the least I could get coulsd be some sign of love from him but oh no, it was not happening.

    It was as if i had violated his code and had no right to know what he is doing but he has every right to know my business.

    I just went to the room and stayed there for the rest of the night.... vows hanging on the wall all this time.

    I realised that I was trying to get something back from him and the truth is that there is nothing that he can give me. I prayed and asked the Lord to fill the void that I have where I am trying to have spouse fill.

    I didnt feel like serving dinner so he came in the room after the altercation and said " oh so becuase of that you cant serve me food?" I proceeded to get up to do it and he said "dont bother I already did it" i just ignored him and went out to do it and found that he had. So what he was trying tyo do was rub it in my face, like yeah sure you've changed.

    To be honest, I did not care about his food, I was thinking about me.

    The unsettling thing is that, it looked as if, the atmosphere of strife and contention is where he is the most comfortable.

    All this time, the dares have been creating an sense of calm but the day that I decide that I needed some space and "didnt  serve dinner" or do my duty, the atmosphere changed back to how things were and it looked as if this was where he was blossoming!  It was sick and strange all at the same time.

    you know what, this dude is on another planet. I do not know where we will end up. I am doing what the dares say to do, I did mean all I said in the vows but how to perform them is another tasks.  I told God that I would not marry spouse again if given another chance because this is not how I want to live so how can I write out vows to say that I am committed to stay when all he does gives me reasons to leave.

    If not for this dare, i dont know. Yes, spouse has been a tool that has driven me to my knees... yet he is also a tool that is wasting my time in terms of my emotions, finance and peace. The same tool is doign two jobs and as far as he is concerned,  his life goes on as usual while mine is exposed and rediculed.

    I am tired of living in fear and looking over my shoulder in this marriage. I dont know where to draw the line for not being in his business to being a caring and protective spouse. I feel that I dont have any rights in this relationship. Like there is no exclusivity to being his wife and to do these dares it feels like I am just running after him and the worse he gets.

    After 40 days I am complaining and upon completeting dare 40, I mess up.

    I just feel like I have no respect and there is no dignity in being his wife because there is his life and then a life that he wants with me that is on a need to know basis only. I wish I could just run away and leave all this behind. It is hard for me beucase the dares make me have to interact with him in ways that he does not with me and though at the end i feel a connection to the Lord, on another level i feel a fool and if I need to leave him alone to christ and all that, why cant i leave him alone for reall like really leave so that he can really be alone and I wont be distracted and confused?

    I feel like I am houndinfg him and I dont even know if I can reallyu live out those vows but I know that God can help me I just feel that after 40 days, and this is what I get in the 40th day..... lip and attitude, I just feel like I am better alone... without spouse becuase I am the only one that is married here and I feel like I am hounding him.

    I just dont see a way out of this and i feel so pressured and i get my hopes up, I can not deny it that the marriage can get better but all the same i haev to think that it might not so I am living in faith while the real world plays out and I feel like a goof ball.

  • I assume that you read this. And in the heat of the moment after writing it. Take a look at it again and see what the difference is. Well that is if you have settled down. This post and your dares are exposing a big thing, but you a not seeing it. But the reason you cannot see it is because it is exactly what is being exposed.

    Selfishness... Flat out. And so much so, that you will get no where if it continues.

    Now that you are at a point to start again, if you are willing, I am am willing to help you daily if you start over at day 1. In fact I will give you my private email to do so.

    You need accountability and guidance.

    Are you ready for the dare with an accountability partner?

  • yes

  • Friend me and then send me a pm. We will go from there.

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