I reviewed the vows I did the last time. They are still applicable. I prayed I may have a chance to share them with her someday.
I wasn't as much at peace today. I was restless after last night's exchange. I didn't contact her and she didn't contact me until later in the day when I told her I had dropped the kids off at her place before heading up for work.
She did call me though when she got off work. She asked me if I had a min and I told her I did. She said her boss wanted to talk to her about her career path and wanted to know what I thought. I thought it was a conversation about advice on her professional development. But instead it started out with what were my plans. She wanted to know if I intended to continue working in the mountains or if I was going to get a job closer to where we lived now. I told her I had not thought about it that much just yet.
She then told me she wants to move back to where we use to live. She has already been scouting out jobs within the same company to transfer to and says she can do it as early as December. When I pointed out that the leases on our respective apartments are through May of 2011 she said she figured we could break both of them through her company's perks. She said she hates the city, the kids hate living down there and she thinks everyone would be happier in the mountains, but that we needed to be close no matter what for the kids and also pointed out she could not live up there on her own. She said she didn't regret her decision to take this job but wants to live in the mountains again.
I was flabergasted and a bit mad. I wanted to scream in fact. Here we are, she has flipped everyone's lives upside down for her selfish actions of taking a job for her, of moving into a new apartment and away from me, for her, to having her boyfriend, for her, splitting up our family and blowing up our lives, all for her and now after four of the longest and worst months I can remember she wants to reverse it all? I didn't say any of that. But I did tell her it would need to be something we would need to talk about. I mean really what is her plan? To go through with the divorce on Tuesday and then co-habitate back up in the mountains like nothing is wrong? This isn't some episode of Modern Family. This is our life, our family.
And then the kicker. She is going out with Ryan, some guy she has described as her "break up buddy" on a no pressure date Sunday night.
I just don't get it. I don't get it at all. I mean what am I, her safety net whereas she can do anything she wants and treat me anyway she wants and all will be well because she knows me well enough to know I will still be around. I mean isn't that essentially what this 40 day journey has taught me in a sense. I've learned how to let her be human, to give her space, to forgive her and to tell her I will stand by her regardless and love her unconditionally. Or at least as unconditionally to the best of my abilities. But what does that mean for her? Almost seems like it gives her a free ticket to act insane. To date right in front of me. I mean I forgave her for Scott, why wouldn't I forgive her for Ryan? I don't really know how to process all of this.
I've prayed many times tonight and work has been busy enough whereas I don't have to think a lot. But our divorce is set to be final on Tuesday. I'm waiting patiently on God and it feels like she is playing a game of some sorts. I am not having a problem with classifying her decisions as hers and not judging them. But I am having an issue when her decisions are as irrational and damaging as they seem to be becoming. It almost feels like there is something wrong with her chemically because she speaks so nonchalantly about uprooting the world again and reversing everything she fought for during the last few months. Well not everything, she hasn't even mentioned giving us a second chance. But why would she need to. I declared undying love and told her I'd wait as long as it took. I told her to take all the time she needs. I'm just afraid that is code for her to act crazy and selfish knowing I will be there to pick her up if she falls. And the thing is I would.
I don't know if I'm looking at this right and I need to pray on it when I have more time but it just doesn't feel right.
All I know is I'm ending round III of this love dare confused and I'm starting round 4 tomorrow.
God is good and I can trust him.
I am confused about some things. First. Is she done with Scott? Second, does she expect to give up both your places you live and move and get 2 other places? Or does she plan that you get 1 place?
Did you point out that she is divorcing you and now she wants you to follow her where ever she goes?
To love unconditionally does not mean to be used as a tag along.
Understand, to love unconditionally does not mean that you allow her to do whatever she wants. To love unconditionally means you choose to love this woman, PERIOD, but it does not mean that you must choose to be her puppet.
Think about this. You do love her unconditionally right now. She had an affair, she moved out, she is going the path of divorce. And you still choose to love her. That is unconditional. But not for one second does unconditional mean that you support what she does.
All the things I went through with my wife, I chose to love her unconditionally, but I was ready to move on. I was not going to let her use me, be horrible to me, continue an affair on me, etc... But because I loved her unconditionally, God worked on her and she "woke up" just in time. Hence God is never late.
I am just as confused. I don't think Scott is out of the picture. I guess Ryan is just another flavor. I don't know. Feels like she is acting like a high schooler. I don't really know anymore.
But I do appreciate the words about unconditional love. It helps to try to see I can love her unconditionally and still move forward. I guess its up to her if she wants to join me on this path.
Guess we'll see but I don't know what this wrinkle means, it if means anything at all.
Well after your post today (day 2). I am thinking she is now in a pickle and she does not know how to deal with it herself. She is being convicted by Christ. Now she needs to start listening to it.