my day 3 was on friday.. if u read about that im sure you are probably thinking "man, this dude is screwing up." You are probably right, but I am still continuing on with this book.
I woke up on my buddies couch at 5:30 am saturday morning, got up, put my shoes on and went home. For some reason, on my way home, I had this thought that she was just going to be there waiting for me for some reason. I got to the house, and got back in bed and slept for another 3 hours.
My wife had told me that she was going to stay with a married couple that we are both friends with, and I honestly believed her. But, when i woke up from my 3 hour morning nap.. I felt like I needed to drive around town looking for our blue jeep, wondering where she is and if she is ok because she didnt answer anything I said to her through text messaging the night before.
I couldnt find her.
Then, I decided to get ahold of the married couple we know who she said she was staying with to ask them if thats where she really was and they both said no they hadnt seen her. This is when I knew she was lying to me. I quickly texted her saying she was a liar and that i knew she wasnt where she said she was. I told her she better tell me where she really was or i was going to call her 1st Sgt on her because she lied to him to about where she was staying.
Turns out she was staying with another guy that she works with again. She came home almost immediately after I told her what I was going to do. I could have ruined her career with the info that I had now and I was determined to use it against her because I was so mad at her. She begged me and begged me not to call him saying she would do anything and everything, even if it was to stay with me. This made me feel like crap because now I knew she was saying all of this out of her own free will. Like I was holding her captive or something. I promised her I wouldnt call him if she would just come home and talk to me.
She left to go back and get her stuff.. but then she showed back up with the 1st Sgt with her. He held me outside while she came back inside to pack a suitcase of clothes and grab one of our dogs. She left, and he stayed her to talk to me because I was hysterically crying and begging her to stay and talk to me. After he left, 30 minutes later my supervisor from work showed up in my driveway demanding my rifles I inherited from my grandpa and for me to pack a bag and come with him. I did. A cop showed up at my house making sure everything was ok. I guess my wife or her 1st Sgt thought I was going to do something to myself.
I called my wife begging her to come back and talk to me but she said no, and that she could play games right back if she wanted. She also told me that this is seriously over and she isnt going to come back no matter how much i beg her and plead her. I texted her a couple times from the cookout saying i wish she came with me and that we could have rode horses because my commander (who was having the cookout) has horses. she just sent me things like sad faces and "im sorry".
That same night i got news that one of my good friends from work had hung himself in his room in his appartment. I didnt know how to deal with that. It made me feel like so many bad things are happening around me that nothing is ever going to get better. Hopelessness. I ended up staying with my cheif at his house saturday night because I guess I was on suicide watch for the rest of the weekend.
Sunday, I got up and went to work. Everyone had to come to work at 1pm because of what happened to my friend. I saw my wife there in civillian clothes and she was standing very closely to the guy I found out she had been staying with. I couldnt handle it, luckly the 1st Sgt was there and so was the chaplain i have been talking to. I spoke with both of them about it and they both re-asured me that no matter what happens i will be ok. I just couldnt believe it, it was all happening right there infront of my face and I cant do anything about it.
Later that night I came home and started cleaning and doing my laundry, just thinking over and over again everything that had happened over the weekend. My wife claims and swears up and down that nothing was going on between her and this other guy and that she just needed some where to stay and that she had no where else to go. All I can think about is how obvious it is that they are together. Yet she still denies it. She had already lied to me about where she was staying, how am i supposed to believe her now about anything that she says or has ever said?
I texted her goodnight and went to sleep.
The beginning of day #4....
I got up, checked my phone, no calls no texts. I checked facebook and noticed she was up online til 2 or 3 am claiming to other people that she just couldnt sleep. I also notice that we were no longer friends on facebook, that she had deleted me and deleted a couple albums of pictures that she had of us on there. I quickly texted her asking why she deleted me and that I thought we were going to remain friends. No reply.
I got ready, went to work and began searching for my own place on different realty websites.
I checked my phone again, she re-added me as a friend on facebook.... as silly as that sounds, it means something to me. She texted me claiming she deleted me because she "hates seeing my stupid posts on her wall and that i am just trying to make her look bad." i said that she was doing that on her own by just doing what she is doing to me.. i just couldnt hold myself back from saying that. she makes me so upset sometimes and I just couldnt keep my hands tied behind my back from my phone.. ughhhhh......
i spent the rest of the day looking for my own place. she texted me multiple times during the day telling me she made her own bank account and that she put in the 30 day notice for our house. i asked her to meet me for lunch and she said no and that she didnt have time.. even tho she still had 5 more hours til she had to be at work.
I asked her how she was doing and if she needed anything or if there was anything i could do for her.. She said no and that she was ok.
She then told me that she found a couple places for me to check out if i wanted.. we even spoke on the phone about it instead of texting. She acts like this isnt even happening and we were just never married. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and die.
she is at work now, i havent heard from her anymore and i am waiting to go look at a rental house.
I know i screwed up a lot the past few days. I feel like i should just step back and restart from day 1.... i just dont know. but i still have faith
Dustin, your relationship did not get to where it is in 4 days, therefore it will take longer than 4 days to repair. As you read the journeys of others on this site, sometimes it takes more than the 40 days of dares.
If you have read most of Sean's advice, he usually states that the dares are a journey between you and Christ. I encourage you to keep that in mind, so that no matter what her responses are to you, you always have your eyes on Jesus.
And remember, most things that are worthwhile are not easy.
Thank you. Every time she says something hurtful to me I always try to remember what I am doing with this journey and who I am really doing it for, Jesus Christ and myself. Things are starting to get a little better for me emotionally. I am not showing her anymore how much this is hurting me and I think she is starting to see that.
Dustin... I need to point something out... Before I do, there are times where you will find, I am strong when it comes to accountability. That is my duty as a Christian... I would not have had the success in my journey without it.
So, with that said. Never take what I say personal.
You are not God... So don't try to be. I assure you. Since you started this journey there is good news and bad news. The good news is, you start this journey and asked Christ to intervene and come into your life. And because of that, He will never let you go..... The bad news is.... you start this journey and asked Christ to intervene and come into your life. And because of that, He will never let you go..... LOL....
Why the bad news? Well you see why over the weekend. You are no longer in control. You cannot play God. Any time you do. It will back fire. Anytime you manipulate, it will back fire.
Again, read my journals. there are many things that will open your eyes there.
When she begged for you not to call the SGT. You took advantage of that. Manipulated her to talk to you.
Always remember this. God is never late. He is always on time. So, BE STILL.... FOR I AM GOD. which is translated to, stop and let Him handle it, you will just screw it up.
Leslie said about this not taking 4 days to screw up. nor to fix. But what the common denominator is- YOU... When you do it your way look where it gets you.
Do the dares for now. That is it. No more no less.