I was very anxious about this one. When i first put pen to paper, I wrote pages and pages but none of it was what the dare said: write a letter of resolve & committment. I wrote draft after draft, using almost an entire pad of paper- i thought I would never get this one done. I had to take a break and go gets my kids from school & while I was waiting in the line, I prayed for guidance. The Lord has been blessing me with wisdom and strength and knowledge & I KNOW that, and I wanted to tell my husband that...that was where I kept hitting roadblocks. I finally just said, "this is in Your hands, I want my husband back, but You know what is best for me, please lead me. I will accept whatever You hand me".
After I got home & took care of all the after school madness, I went and tried to write the letter again. I felt more confident writing it this time, though I still wrote several drafts of it before I was finally satisfied. My problem with the earlier drafts was that they ended up sounding as if I was begging for him to come back, or like I was trying to convince him that I have changed and things will be different & here is why. I think it is more important for him to see the changes instead of me forcing them on him. Anyway, the final draft was short and basically stated that we have had a rough patch recently & we have both made mistakes. But the point of mistakes is to learn & grow from them. I told him how blessed we were to have our 3 beautiful children though we were faced with many obsticals. I told him how Blessed I was that God had brought me to him (my husband). I acknowledged that I took his love for granted, but resolved to honor, cherish & love him better than ever & forever. I told him I was 100% dedicated to this marriage, to him, to our family & to God. I also stated that I was all in for life, whether or not he felt the same about love or our marriage. On the bottom of the page I wrote a portion of the Corinthians "Love never fails" verse.
I left it for him on his pillow, it has been moved so i am assuming he has read it. He has said nothing about it though. I think I finally realize that I can have hope for our love & believe in our marriage, but in the end if its not what happens God will grace me with something better. It is hard to imagine someone or something (other than God) better than my husband becasue he really is amazing, but that's where I have to trust that God knows what He is doing. He has been with me and has carried me through a year of hurt, He has helped me understand how to love unconditionally & He has helped me to become a better person. He is amazing & I know all of this will lead me to a "happy ending". Is it going to be the ending I want? I don't know. But He won't fail me, so I just have to trust in Him.
So my husband did read it & I can't say I didn't see this coming. He told me it made him angry to read the letter because he felt like I wasn't listening to him again & that I was trying to give him a guilt trip. He said it wasn't fair of me to ask him for anything, but I didn't ask him for anything?! I listened to him ranting about how I never listen to him (by that he means that he doesn't think I accept his feelings, or lack thereof) & that the kind gestures need to stop & that he knows how I feel and I don't need to keep reminding him. He said I have made him so uncomfortable now he can't even sleep next to me, so he is moving to the couch. However, he is worried because he doesn't want our kids to see us not sleeping together?! He said that it's great that I have found God & that he loves God but isn't into the whole scene- it's not him. He went on to switch the subject to Christmas & that no matter what our kids will have a nice Christmas. He was also ranting about my family & asked if they have been in my business lately and I said no, but then he wondered why they don't ever come by to see the kids. Finally he asked about the baptism celebration for my nephew on Sunday. He said "we have that baptism on Sunday, right?" and he proceeded to ask me questions: what time, where, etc. I answered him politely. I didn't think he was planning to go, and even now I don't think I expect him to come. We will see.
I was surprised at my calmness. I know God was there with me. I knew I would get a negative reaction from this dare & I knew he was going to say a lot of what he did, but the Lord asked me to trust Him, so I did.
Here is the greatest part. By him pointing out that he rejects Christ (not him), you are setting up to be a testimony like you will not believe.
Be patient.... It will happen. And it is not that your husband is made at you. It is he does not know how to deal with conviction from Christ. He is being defensive, and you are the only one he can take it out on.
Just go about your way and love Christ and serve Him.
Its strange, but I feel good today. Normally I'd dwell on it & it would eventually bring me down. But today, I woke up and did everything as I normally do & I feel good. I know Gods here with me. I think I finally accepted that God will do what's best for me & only he knows what that is. It makes it easier :). I have no regrets about the past dares or this one. Day 40 today...& then back to day 1 :)
Praise God! And with that understanding you starting over will be so much more fulfilling