I was apprehensive about today. I was worried that completing this dare may make it seem like I was pushing or exploiting whatever positive reactions I had been getting from her. But that would not have been putting faith in God. So I prayed and I composed a very short letter. Since I was at work I couldn't give it to her, so I sent it to her in a text message instead. Technology does have its advantages it would appear in shrinking our distances when needed.
I wrote the following:
"I have written you several times with a similar message. Generally I am saying I am sorry and I am recommitting to this. But at this point, there is nothing I can say which you have not heard already. To that end I will keep this short. My extraordinary journey this year has led me to a place of commitment and conviction. My journey is not over and I am most definitely a work in progress. But who I was is no more and I am excited about who I am becoming and what it means for our family. I don't know what God has in mind for our future but I'm convicted that if we show up it will be amazing. I am here. I am committed to you and our family. I want you. I want you and all your passion, pain, light and dark. I love you period. I want you as my wife, my life partner in this continuing journey. I know a lot has been said and done and I know the road ahead might be hard. But I also know we would not be walking it alone if we show up together. I hope you will consider taking my hand and seeing what He has in mind. I love you K and there is no one else I want to share this with."
I prayed before I hit send. I was real apprehensive. I am worried about backsliding or appearing pushy. But the reality is her choices are her's. If she chooses to take my hand and make this walk I will rejoice. If she chooses to stay her course and not, I will be sad. But either way its not my place to judge her decisions either way. I read Romans 5 today. Again one of my favorite books and I find much comfort in it. I know this story is not over. I know the 21st, while it feels like a looming axe is not the end of this journey. I pray for strength and grace and patience and faith. Things I need when I get down.
She did ask me to bring the kids by her office today which I did and we took a walk around the lake by her office. I didn't say much. It was awkward as she had pinned to her wall a valentine from someone other than me. I didn't dwell on it. I prayed. This is in God's hands.
She texted me later and thanked me for coming by. I told her no problem and told her to have a good day. I've been working on keeping the interactions short and positive. I don't want to seem pushy or fall into the rut of controlling. Which brings me to concerns I have if the 21st comes and goes as I expect it to. I've been praying to God about what to do if this does go to endgame. How do I handle things like Cellphones and insurance. Things which technically I'm no longer obligated to provide for her. I know just cutting them off would anger her. I know bringing it up would cause an argument and make it seem like I'm supporting the divorce. I've been praying on this but it feels at odds with the staying in the moment and not worrying about the future and trusting he has this well in hand. I guess I will get leading on that when the time comes.
He is never late. He is good and I can trust him.
She responded quicker than I expected. Though part of me didn't expect her to respond at all. Her response was much as I expected, though with a twist. She again stated the reasons why she didn't think things between us would ever work and acknowledged my changes as they pertained to the kids. But she also said she didn't know really how to respond and would need time to think.
I responded to her by telling her I was aware that she needed time and that I wasn't pushing. I told her she could have all the time she needed and that I was in no hurry. Now to put my money where my mouth is. Because the truth is I was very anxious when I sent that message. We exchanged another couple messages before she stopped responding and work got busy.
I went to a high point of our county and just stood out in the night air looking at the stars. I prayed that He gives me strength to stay the course and to understand that the game is not over on the 21st and to give me the strength to not only accept his will but to be patient while waiting for something to happen.
I was filled with a sense of peace after that and the night went well. I concluded my last message to her reiterating I was not looking to push and told her to take as much time as she needed. She did say at one point she wished we could be together but that she didn't know how that would ever work and she also said she likes parts of her life she has now. Her job, her friends, and her space. I told her I would never ask her to give those things up, though I am leery that one of the "friends" of which she speaks is Scott. But again, I look at it one of two ways. First, jump off that bridge when I get to it. And second, not to judge her choices. If, in the event ths chooses to work things out with me, she feels its appropriate to remain friends with him, I may not agree with that decision but its one she needs to make. I'm not saying that would be easy to deal with but that is putting the cart way ahead of the horse considering right now the horse is dead.
I did tell her that our marriage is dead and it should be. As we were we were horrible together and that was not what I envision our future to be. I was honest with her in that I don't know what God has in mind if we show up, but I'm hard pressed for it to be a disappointment simply based on what he has done in my life.
But in my prayer I asked him to help me maintain my resolve to continue my walk with him for me and the kids and K if she decides she wants to be part of it, but if she doesn't, to maintain it regardless.
I'm at peace this evening. Slightly restless but mostly at peace. I guess that means something. I looked up a bunch of scriptures on trusting in God and they made me feel better.
Gotta get back to work.
When you trust Christ, that comfort will always be with you. remember, she is being worked on by Christ. So she has a lot going through her mind as well.
The hardest part now is always being that testimony to her. But you have the Holy Spirit in your heart, so you can do it.