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Re: Dare 39

Dare 39

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  • Dare 39 Sorry to write a book!

    When I originally read this dare I thought to myself, "Well, this will be easy. I always find it to be very natural to express this sort of thing to my wife." But, this was yesterday's dare...and I find it becoming difficult to finish. I think this may be why...you see, my story is a little different than most. I am not looking to get back something that was lost in my marriage. I am looking for something that was never allowed to be there to begin with. My wife and I married almost two years ago. She has had a very hard time adjusting. We are both the same age and share the exact same birthdate. She was never married before me. I was married for 16 years before I met her. She was a strong Christian woman. It beamed from her! I loved her resolve for the Lord. As a Christian myself, I was drawn to that. In fact, she is the first woman I ever felt like doing things RIGHT with. And through dating I felt that was why she wasn't quite as affectionate as is normal for someone. She said she didn't trust herself and didn't want to get into a situation where she would be weak and do something wrong. I wholeheartedly agreed and respected that. But things didn't open up after we married. In fact they got worse. From what I have been told by others and from what I have witnessed and lived myself, my wife has an extremely hard time showing affection, or receiving it. Whether that be emotional or physical affection. There is a fortress around her heart. A defensiveness against me. On the other hand I am a naturally affectionate man. I find loving her very easy. And love her I do! She has always told me that it isn't me and has nothing to do with me. Nothing that I have done or not done. She realizes it is something wrong in her and has said that she doesn't do this on purpose and prays all the time that God would take this away. I have prayed that also. Many times! Constantly. I spent the first year and a half trying to figure out what could be causing it. Former abuse? Heartbreak? Mental disorder? Something physical? Etc. Needless to say I drove myself to the brink of insanity. I didn't care what it was, let's just get it out in the open so we could deal with it and get on with l oving each other. I mean, living with your wife and being so in love with her, and desiring her, but not be able to have a oneness with her on ANY level was too much. And to receive no information either was just the icing on the cake. She could never tell me why she felt uncomfortable. Overwhelmed. Why she just wanted to run away. It hurt...it killed me inside. My wife was suffering and there was nothing I could do to help. In fact, I was the source of it!! Without even trying to be. My just being there. So we have separated a few times in our short marriage to give her space to feel more comfortable. We went to counseling for eight months with no change.I have prayed and prayed and have sought Christ's guidance on this. So during this latest separation of almost 3 months I felt I had done everything I possibly could to show my wife how much I love her. How far I was willing to bend and give up my desires for her comfort. I denied my needs. I was at rock bottom. I had nothing left to give her. I couldn't keep pouring myself into this marriage and keep getting humiliated for it. My wife would absolutely belittle me for trying to love her. She had even told me on several occasions that she was at peace with God about how she was in the marriage. I will never understand that but I try to realize that is a defense for her. Anyway, I decided to divorce. Not because I didn't love her but because I just couldn't take it anymore. Too much rejection. Too little love in return. She hasnt worn her ring in 9 months. I haven't heard "I love you" in the same time frame. A kiss...anything. Enough! Was I an idiot?? She doesn't love me. Time to let go. Well, the courthouse was closed the day I went to get the papers. I had messed up the ones I bought previously so had to get new ones. That weekend I was flipping through the channels and stumbled across Fireproof. Mind you, we have had this movie at home since the day we were married. It is still in the wrapper! I watched it and the tears just wouldn't stop. And I thought to myself "Lord, you can't ask me to do this! I have given everything I can already." But ask He did. So I promised Christ the 40 days and started my journey. I came to this site daily and read all of the entries for each day I was on. I felt hope building inside of me. I felt myself daring to trust Christ again. But we have been through this cycle so many times. Separate, start talking, start spending time together, it becomes emotional, she shuts down. Start over. So I find myself afraid. Genuinely afraid. I admit it. Suddenly to write this commitment on paper is extremely difficult. My wife has been open to what I have done for the dares and I praise God for that. But there is no communication or time together unless I initiate it. Some things are moving in the right direction. She is attending church again, praise God! But I am so tired. I want to love and be loved. I desire the oneness that a marriage should be and I just don't know if she is capable of that. Christ has carried me this far and I know that. He has not allowed either of us to file for divorce so His hand is in this. I believe deep down that my wife does love me. If not, then I believe she would just divorce me. There is nothing tying us together in a worldly sense. She knows she could have her freedom in 20 days. Maybe I am just being attacked because this could be the turning point of it all. She knows I am committed by my actions. But perhaps having it in writing will turn the tide. I don't know. Only Christ does. Thank you everyone for sharing your posts. They have been an inspiration and a help to me that I can't even express. Day 40 tomorrow. My commitment to Christ will be fulfilled. I will do whatever He asks of me after that. Start again or not. I will seek His will. I pray that He honors the humility it took for me to do this. I have a much better understanding of the humility it took for Christ to do what He did for us. I will not file for divorce though! "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church". He layed His life down for His 'bride'. Gave up Himself for us. I have also and still do for mine.

     Stuart

  • I have one very important question. And it may be better that you answer through the message you sent me. Through this journey, what has opened to Christ?  I see you still long for your wife, but I am sure that Christ is still longing for you. This journey is between you and Christ, your wife is a tool that He will use in many different ways. To receive the oneness He intends you must understand love He intends and without knowing Him it cannot be done,

  • Thank you Sean. That is a very important question. What this journey has opened my eyes to the most is that I truly have no control of many, many things. Through this journey I am learning to actually trust Christ. To turn to Him and leave my concerns, especially my wife, to Him. Repeat...learning lol. I have been a Christian for almost 30 years and have certainly had my share of failures. Some that I have wondered not if He would forgive me, but more like why? I really felt like He had His foot on my neck and I was just being punished to the point that I could not do anything. It's a silly thought but sometimes we feel that way. I have finally been able to forgive myself of those things. That was a huge blessing. I definitely seek Christ more now. I truly desire that close personal relationship that I never really felt because I couldn't forgive myself before. I am now starting to feel that. He has removed that barrier that I, not Jesus, had been keeping between us. I lean on Him now for everything. I still worry at times, like when I wrote this post! But they are fewer. I am making margin for Him now and yes, I definitely can relate to how the Lord has felt in His longing for me, and know it has always been much greater than my longing for my wife. In fact, that always seems to come into my mind when I pray for my wife. I ask forgiveness. Because the same way that my wife pushes me away and keeps me at arm's length, well, I did the same to Christ. I thank Him for opening my eyes to that!

  • And there is so much more to come.

  • Sean,  I feel that is a very real and true statement.  Every time I've felt I learned a lot through this breakup, God has shown me that there was so much more that I need to learn.  Now, I've come to expect it.  I think the lesson that I now struggle with is God's timing is perfect.  

    I'm restarting the Love Dare.  I'm not sure that I magically thought we'd be together after 40 days, but I at least thought we'd be further down this road of togetherness.  And the crappy thing is that, though we've been in a long term committed relationship, we haven't been married, yet - so he has no real commitment to me - even though I keep bringing up the years we were together, and how I felt we lived as though we were married.  We were supposed to be, but we decided to buy a house instead - or rather, I thought it would be a good idea for our sanity to get out of the noisy apartment, and he went along with it. We decided to push back the wedding to next year.  Never did I realize that he would break it off with me a month after we moved in together.  

    So much has come to light over this breakup that I didn't realize - like that he proposed to me because he thought our relationship would get better after he did, and that he bought a house with me because of the same reason.  I thought our relationship was great, because he proposed to me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

    If we do get back together, which I really pray that we do, but am ultimately leaving it to God, it should all be fore the better, because I realized that my attitude was killing our relationship, and that a marriage would never survive my attitude. I also realized the multiple places where this attitude was coming from, and have been going to therapy to deal with it.  I know that if we got back together, we would be in a much more solid place than had I not done the Love Dare, so I'm glad that this all happened before we got married rather than after.  So in that, God's timing is perfect.

  • I replied to your other entry.  To anyone else that may read this in the future.  This area is not read very often.  Try to journal in the love dare section, it is under the community link.  Click on dashboard or your name at the top and a bubble should show up on the right side of the page about half way down.  Thee is where you can journal inthe area more people will read.

    Jendiah.  As I mentioned in the other note, do a dare a day, no more no less, such as keep telling him how the years together were.  Do not worry about contacting him at all, other than when the dares call for it.  This will give him the space he needs.  And it will keep you from trying to fix this or control this.  leave the control in God's hands.

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