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Day 39 - Love Endures

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    Day 39—Love Endures

     

    “Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place that your mate will find it.”

     

    I could not believe this chapter talked about today's dare as putting my unfailing love into the most power, personal words I can after I was just praying about how to respond to my husband’s email. I definitely got my answer. I prayed for wisdom and guidance as I wrote the letter. I was a bit hesitant with what I felt God wanted me to write because I do not necessarily think my husband is ready to accept it nor did I want to show my vulnerability, but I did it anyway because it isn’t about what I want…

     

    Good morning! I appreciate you sharing your heart with me. I know that probably was not easy. You may be surprised by what my response is going to be, but this is me sharing my heart with you—

     

    I do not wish things were different and what I mean by that is this has led to the biggest change in my life. I know you are in a lot of pain and you should know by now how deeply sorry I am for hurting you. You are right, things will never be the same, but that is a good thing. They can never go back to the way they were because it is what brought us to this point in our marriage. You say you don’t know why things got to this point. I can tell you that it is pure selfishness that has brought us to this heart ache we’ve never imagined. However, I’m reminded that “it isn’t when we are behaving like an angel that God chooses to pour out His love on us. It isn’t because we are so deserving that He offers us His grace.” It is by His grace that I am where I am right now. Without all of this I could not be the person Christ wants me to be. My heart was hardened, which led me down a path I never thought possible. Also without all of this I would not be able to share a love that Christ is currently molding me to.

     

    A verse I often look to is, “I can do ALL things through Him who strengthen me.” It was by His strength I was not filled with devastation or anger, but had a sense of peace when you told me you wanted a divorce. It was by his strength that I felt that same sense of peace when you admitted to being unfaithful—yes a lot of heartache as well, but still KNEW I was going to be okay because I know who is carrying me through. It is by His strength that I will not help file for divorce. It was by His strength that I would not budge on moving out when you so badly wanted me to. I do not regret for one second my choice of not leaving—of not running away anywhere. It was and continues to be by the strength of Christ that I am able to stay at home where all the memories are, where I used to constantly wake up in the middle of the night alone in a bed knowing where you were spending your night, where I am now missing half of our stuff, where I am now sleeping on a couch. For He provides the peace and STRENGTH I need when my soul is in anguish.

     

    xxxxxx xxxxx, you know I love you and miss you too. Through all of this I have never stopped loving you. Love never fails. Though threatened, it keeps pursuing. Though challenged, it keeps moving forward. Though mistreated and rejected, it refuses to give up. It is through the love of Christ that I have an unending and unstoppable love for you. Love never fails.

     

    You end with “I am supposed to be the one you were going to grow old with. Now you know that will never happen and you are scared.” I BELIEVE the complete opposite. It CAN happen. It requires a change we’ve never experienced, but know that change can take us to a new found level in our marriage that we never thought possible and there would be no looking back!

     

    Even if you don’t like what you’re reading—even if you don’t necessarily like me—I choose to love you anyway. Forever. I have said it before and I will say it again – I STAND for this marriage till death do us part. Because love NEVER fails!

     

    Always,

     

    Jenn

     

    I did not expect a response, but I got one. I had a little bit of hope that he would accept what I wrote, but that was extinguished immediately. He negated absolutely everything I had to say although I guess you could say that is what I did to him too. I just thought after the email he sent yesterday, that maybe he had some remorse and a little bit of love to give—not even close. I am still the “most selfish person he knows” and that I have no idea what kind of pain he feels nor will I ever.

     

    I can honestly say I put my unfailing love into the most powerful, personal words I could. It was my chance to declare that no matter what imperfections exist—both in my husband and I—my love is greater still. I continue to choose to love him anyway.

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