Well, i did the dare & heard nothing back... wasn't expecting to.
In other news, my husband told me he hates me today. He continued on his rampage about the future living situation & I stood my ground. Eventually he came up with a solution... He is now packing to leave. But I refuse to let this get to me. I thank God that He has given me the strength & the courage to endure this... I know He is with me :) My mother in law & I spoke breifly & she was a little worried about me... but after we talked she was convinced I'll be allright. I told her I would be!
It's definately not the way I envisioned my Christmas weekend, but it's all happening for a reason. I am at peace.
A few thoughts I have had: how to we handle the kids with the living arrangements? My husband wants to see them often & I have no problem with that, but I don't think it's healthy for children to spend every other day in a new house/different parent... I am open to letting him come visit after work several times a week & I can leave him with them until bedtime... & then switch off weekends. But I know he wants to have the kids with him several night a week, too... I just don't think it's healthy for the kids, but I can be wrong. Also, when it comes to "dividing" our belongings... I don't really care what he takes or leaves, I don't need much. Thoughts/suggestions?
It saddens me to see him like this, but I realize I can't do anything for him but pray. I keep hearing from everyone how we are "meant to be" and they can't believe this is happening... I just ask them to pray for him. And I pray our children will have a fairly decent transition to this new arrangement.
First, remember God is never late. He is always on time. You must be willing to accept Christs will in your life. At times that is hard, but when we remove the ways and desires of the flesh, we find the true ability to be happy and know He knows best.
Your husband is having a very great deal of grief in his heart. He has lost control of the entire situation, and now his pride is challenged. But what he does not understand is that it is not challenged by you, but by Christs will within you.
As for the kids. This is going to be different for them. Be careful. They need as stable to their current situation as possible. Access to friends, and environment is going to be very important. They feel safe as they are now. Pulling them back and forth (depending how far away he will be) may be a not so good thing.
As for material things. Again, the children are the ones that will notice changes and their "safe haven" will be effected. He should take the least of the items as possible.
If your husband wants change in his life then let him know this is what he wants, he must pay the consequenses of it not the children.
Thanks for the advice Sean.
I am really at peace with everything. I feel like I knew it was coming & this journey helped me to prepare myself for it. I am grateful :) I trust the Lord to continue to help me & I pray He will stay & guide my husband as he goes his own way.
My biggest problem right now is my family. I love them, but my parents want to know every detail & I have to repeat it to them over & over again & they ask questions I don't have answers for (why is he like this?)... I know they worry about me but I hate reliving this over and over again. I am trying to NOT focus on it & they are forcing me to. I told them I don't want to talk about it, nicely... but they keep pushing me. I got a little upset with my dad becasue he called when I was trying to spend time with my kids & he wouldn't take no for an answer. And then when I tell them I don't want to talk about it, they give me a guilt trip about it. I feel like this is the "leaving/cleaving" issue... I know they love me & are worried about me, but I just wish they'd trust God to do His work here.
I continue to pray for strength and courage & I continue to thank the Lord for all He has blessed me with.
We're having issues over the kids. He thinks I am trying to keep him away & he is looking at things from a "legal" perspective. He thinks I want the kids all the time so that I can collect money from him- which I could care less about! He wants us to work out the "fair" amount of days per week to spend with the kids so that they have 2 homes. For example, 3 days with him, 4 days with me- switch the next week. I'm not saying it's a bad plan... but I am not sure that is what is best for them either. He still wants me to pick them up from school & obviously stay with the baby while he's at work, so what's the point?! I just don't understand it. He keeps telling me I am being selfish and that I am not thinking logically. I told him to give me time to think...
Though my husband is packing, he is not planning on moving for at least a couple of days while things get set up at his place... his "friends" are helping him furnish the place & he will be removing a few items from our place... one couch, the futon a small tv, the blender.
He talks about things like they are final... they are starting to feel that way sometimes, but I still trust that God is never late.
One thing I did insist upon no matter what happens with the kids, I want them going to church every Sunday... whether with him or by me picking them up earlier to go to an evening mass with me. He said he has no problem with that.
So this thought came to me,if he wants the kids let's say 3-4 nights in a row, then wouldnt all the responsibilities of having the kids be his? For example driving them to school & picking them up as well as takin care of our daughter who usually stays home with me? Am I being spiteful in thinking this way? I feel that if he is the one that wants to leave then he will have to either spend more money we don't have to have our kids taken care of, or he will have to not work to take care of that. I don't want to put the kids in the middle if this though. I thought that since my husband doesn't work Fridays he might take them thurs nite and keep them through Sunday night every other weekend. I need weekend time with my kids too. And maybe on the weekends they are with me he can have them thurs & fri nite & I'll have them sat & sun? Does that make sense? It's fairly stable for the kids, right? I'm trying to do the right thing for the kids. They need thier dad, but mostly they need stability & love... I know he loves them... And I don't want to keep him from them... But he's choosing to leave which is why he'll be apart in the first place...
Then let your parents know, you are trusting Christ with this situation. And if you need them, you will come to them. Right now you are at peace knowing Christ is working....
Look. He wants his cake and eat it too. Having equal custody in most minds means no child support. So, my suggestion is, that he must be willing to sacrifice for his kids if that is what he wants. Other than that it is financial.
If he wants this then he has to assume the responsabilities that come with it. This is not selfish on your part but it is on his.
I am one not to believe in flip flop with kids. When he has them, it should be consistent it should be adaptable. So when you both agree on setup, it has to be that way.... Not one day here and another there without structure. Remember your children have lives as well and you and your husbands selfishness can effect that in a big way.
Thank you Sean, I get it... Sorry if I am beig a pain! So I asked my parent for advice on this issue, in effort to help them cope... But I was also very insistent that they stop prying for answers & giving unwarranted advice & that they trust God & let Him do whatever He has to. My parents see my husband moving out as the beginning of the end of our marriage & I told them I cannot allow that type of negativity into my life. They sai they'll try to be more considerate, I hope so :)
Next I tackled the issue of the kids with my husband. I told him he can have them for 3 night weekends every other weekend & also for Thursday & Friday nights on his weekends "off". This way there is a structure to when they see him. At first he was upset & began calling me names, etc. He tried to threaten me with lawyers & that he'll quit his job so I get no money... But I didn't budge on my position. After he calmed down a bit, he accepted the terms I offered him.
He tried asking me this morning I'd I would put the electric for his new place in my name since they wanted a $600 deposit from him...he immediately realized I wasn't going to help an decided to ask his mom for help. He is starting to ask me for more items to take with him (extra pots, utensils, etc)...it's hard not to help him, but I remind myself that this is his choice & he'll have to reap the conequences.
Its funny how he keeps pointing out my "selfishness" & how unreasonable & illogical I am being...I am so glad that I am able to see this & know that my strength & courage come from God & that He is with me. I am a better person because of the love dares :). God has been so good to me by opening my eyes to patience, kindness, unconditional love, etc. & for granting me the wisdom to live my life according to His plan for me!
You are never a pain... I am here for a purpose. And will be everyday (God willing), for whatever you need.
When it comes to your parents. Do not ask them to stop praying. Allow them and allow Christ to use your situation to bring them closer to Him. But at the same time pray for them, ask Christ for His comfort, His understanding upon them.... And when they bring it up. Do not consider it negativity. Consider another blessing where Christ is giving you the ability to be a testimony. Even in the situation with your parents. When you are irritated with their input, that is bottom line selfishness. I know you hate when I point that out. But it is true. These are the things you must be open to see. You are not only on this journey to be a testimony for your husband, it is others around you as well.
So the name calling and the threat of attorneys and quitting his job, seem to be the kids is all over money. I am not saying he does not love his kids, but most fathers do not have the attachment as the mother does. So I figured that was the case. Sorry to hear that. But you did good. And praise God for getting you through it.
When you husband asks for assistance in his leaving. Let him know that you cannot do it. It would not be the right thing to do in Christs eyes to help break Christs intent on marriage. When it comes to simple things though, pots utensils etc... Things you do not use, just give to him. Those I do not think would be assisting.
Make sure you continue your journey each day. And now focus on Christ completely.
My parents are wonderful & I pray always that the Lord might comfort them & bless them with understanding. I pray as well for my in laws, because I know they are having a really hard time with this too!
Just to clarify, I haven't asked them to stop praying, I accrually encourage them to continue praying. I have asked them to stop asking me questions that aren't necessary. For example my mom will ask me when did I last talk to my husband or what he is doing or questions that aren't relevant to anything except to get information out of me. I have explained to her that I don't mind sharing what is going on & I do appreciate their advice, but when she asks unnessessary questions or advises me about things that I am not concerned about, it isn't helpful. On the other hand, I also understand what you are telling me about selfishness...
I continue to pray & trust in God.
Ah, dont worry about the questions.... Let them be. When we get to be their ages we will be the same "busy-bodies" in our childrens lives.... LOL... It is those little irritating things we will miss when they are gone.
Sean, again, it is so great to have you here on lovedarestories. you are ministry is greatly appreciated.
Forever512, you have been through you much and we are praying for you. This is not easy. And as a child of divorced parents, I can appreciate your dependence on Christ and your efforts to keep your children welfare in mind as you walk through these difficult days.
Leslie Holmes
Community Builder